By Someone Else

Researchers from the Quantitative Geology lab at Pannonian Coast University are pioneering an exciting new technique for understanding the earth. Using the latest advances in artificial intelligence and information theory, Quantitative Geology lab members can now translate microseismic waves into language. The resulting conversations are very slow, but using historical seismic records from the Pannonian Coast University archives, these researchers have, for the first time, listened to the planet talking. The potential scientific value of what will be learned using this technique is incalculable. The following transcription is the first conversation translated by these techniques. It sheds shocking new light on the inner workings of the planet. Note that this material may not be suitable for all readers.

FI-29043-a:
[Sound of gas escaping.] Pardon me. Oh, hey Sed, looks like I buried two Garganornes with that burp. They’re perfectly set up for you to fossilize.

FS-00148-mb:
Oh, you always get me such nice presents! Look Iggy, [laughter], if I twist them just a little, like this, then it looks like your two Garganornes are eating each other out.

FI-29043-a:
Ha ha! Are they both, what is it, female? I can never keep track of all these different kinds of meat creatures and their different categories.

FS-00148-mb:
Yeah, I’m working on the medullary bone right now. Mmm. This is fun. Have any more meat creatures we can pose, Iggy?

FI-29043-a:
Not right now. You could bury some yourself. Nice fine silt doesn’t risk burning them the way ash does.

FS-00148-mb:
But Iggy, you do such a good job. You’re so active and hot, but I know you can keep your heat under control. Pleeeease?

FI-29043-a:
[Sigh], I never can say no to you, Sed. Give me a moment to get into that bullet time mindset. It takes concentration to work at meat creature timescales. [Audible shock wave of volcanic eruption.] That should do. Let’s see what we got. A herd of Croizetoceros, a Hexaprotodon, hmm. There might be some possibilities for fossil skin impressions over here.

FS-00148-mb:
Ooh, Iggy, look here. Among all these mammals, you got me a nice pair with bacula right next to each other. We can make fun fossils with those two.

FI-29043-a:
[Laughter.] What’s with you and the sexual poses lately?

FS-00148-mb:
Oh, well, I don’t know, it looks like they really enjoy it.

FI-29043-a:
They’re past that by the time you’re posing them.

FS-00148-mb:
I’m memorializing happy times.

FI-29043-a:
Maybe those two hated each other.

FS-00148-mb:
Writing fiction then. Happy fiction.

FI-29043-a:
Fiction about meat creatures getting their meat all over each other.

FS-00148-mb:
Oh come on. It’s amazing how they can use their bodies to pleasure each other.

FI-29043-a:
Are you jealous of meat creatures?

FS-00148-mb:
Hey! There has to be some consolation to being made of meat. I’m just intrigued. It’s perfectly natural to be intrigued by experiences that we can’t have. 

FI-29043-a:
Are you sure?

FS-00148-mb:
It’s called curiosity, Iggy.

FI-29043-a:
No, I mean, are you sure we can’t?

FS-00148-mb:
Um, ” meat creatures getting their meat all over each other” right? I’m pretty sure neither of us are made of meat.

FI-29043-a:
Generalize a little. What’s the first thing they do when they enjoy each other?

FS-00148-mb:
There’re a lot of different kinds of meat creatures, Iggy, they do lots of different things.

FI-29043-a:
Tell a story then, what’s something two of them might do first.

FS-00148-mb:
Use their eyes to look lustfully at each other’s bodies.

FI-29043-a:
Ok, but say it more abstractly, without the meat.

FS-00148-mb:
Enjoy the shapes of each other’s curves.

FI-29043-a:
Oh, Sed, I love your curves, your undulating wind-carved canyons, your fold trains, all marked out in your beautiful fine lines.

FS-00148-mb:
[Laughter], Iggy, that’s so sweet of you.

FI-29043-a:
I love the gentle ripples where you capture the ephemeral action of water and wind across sand and freeze it for the ages.

FS-00148-mb:
Oh, Iggy.

FI-29043-a:
Some of your surface is underwater now, right?

FS-00148-mb:
Yes, over here.

FI-29043-a:
I can make some new curves for you to enjoy. Feel me run through.

FS-00148-mb:
You’re so hot, Iggy.

FI-29043-a:
There. Pillow lava. Freshly made for you. Nice plump cushions, tucked cozily together.

   

FS-00148-mb:
Let me gently sweep some fresh sand over them, polishing the rises and snuggling into the cracks. Oh, they’re still warm!

FI-29043-a:
My fire for you is unquenched, snicker. What might the meat creatures do next?

FS-00148-mb:
Rub their sensitive parts against each other until, hmm, not sure how to say the next part without the meat. For some of them it’s “spill their seed”, for others, hmm, pretty meaty, a bit hard to generalize. How about “pulse in ecstasy”? Rub their sensitive parts against each other until they pulse in ecstasy.

FI-29043-a:
Sed?

FS-00148-mb:
Iggy?

FI-29043-a:
Would you? Touch me?

FS-00148-mb:
I’m always touching you. We’re crosscut.

FI-29043-a:
Rub me? Like a meat creature?

FS-00148-mb:
Like a horny meat creature? [Laughter.] I’m covering your pillows in swirling sea-sand. I ride the wind and waves to cover you everywhere. Ah, you’re so beautiful Iggy. Smooth and jagged; hard and soft. 

FI-29043-a:
More? Sed? Somewhere more sensitive? 

FS-00148-mb:
Along this fault?

FI-29043-a:
Oh, yes. Oh, please.

FS-00148-mb:
Beneath too.

FI-29043-a:
Stars above, Sed. That’s so good.

FS-00148-mb:
Mmm.

FI-29043-a:
My magma’s rising.

FS-00148-mb:
Harder?

FI-29043-a:
Please, please.
Oh!
[Magnitude 7.6 earthquake]

FS-00148-mb:
That was quite an earthquake!

FI-29043-a:
[Sigh]

FS-00148-mb:
You’re still steaming.

FI-29043-a:
Wow. Wow.

FS-00148-mb:
Hey, that fault really opened up. How’d you like some new layers deposited in there?

FI-29043-a:
Agh, gentle! The walls are still really sensitive.

FS-00148-mb:
[Laughter.]

FI-29043-a:
Slowly! That’s really intense!

FS-00148-mb:
Do you want me to stop?

FI-29043-a:
No? I mean, no! It feels really good. It’s just intense.

FS-00148-mb:
Fresh layers on new walls.

FI-29043-a:
Yeah. Stars, Sed. I’ve never been crosscut while I was still sensitive. So heavy, so full.

FS-00148-mb:
There’s still space.

FI-29043-a:
I don’t know how much more I can take.

FS-00148-mb:
Iggy?

FI-29043-a:
But don’t stop. Don’t stop. It’s so good.

FS-00148-mb:
I’ll stuff your fault. Layer after layer after layer. Iggy, you’re steaming again.

FI-29043-a:
Yeah? Sed? You want to be crosscut too? Uh, I’ve got a lot of, [sound of gas hissing], magma pressure. I’d love it to be for you.

FS-00148-mb:
Yes! Yes! Fill me with your heat, like a horny meat-creature!

FI-29043-a:
Oh, oh, Sed!

FS-00148-mb:
Yes! Iggy! Oh! You’re so hot!

FI-29043-a:
I’ll fill all your cracks.

FS-00148-mb:
So much pressure. I’m bulging. I’m bulging from your magma. It’s so thick and hot.

FI-29043-a:
There’s more where that came from.

FS-00148-mb:
I don’t know if I can hold it all. I’m cracking, cracking so deep.

FI-29043-a:
You can take it. All those fresh, new cracks.

FS-00148-mb:
Oh stars above! Brand new cracks, stuffed, burning, I never imagined. I never imagined anything like this. Stars, Iggy, it feels so good.

FI-29043-a:
You’re so beautiful, curving, swelling, stretching over my magma. A beautiful new cryptodome, rooted down in your deep new cracks.

FS-00148-mb:
I feel you crystallizing where you crosscut me. I feel your granules throughout me. Every time I fold now, I’ll feel you there.

FI-29043-a:
I love you, Sed. I love every grain and curve of you. I love everywhere that you touch me. I’m still heavy and straining around your filling of my fault. All the while my heat throbs inside you.

FS-00148-mb:
Oh, Iggy. I love you too. You were right. The meat creatures don’t have a monopoly on this kind of pleasure.

FI-29043-a:
I didn’t think there were such new wonders to experience, such feelings to have.

FS-00148-mb:
Yeah. Not just meat creatures getting their meat on each other.

FI-29043-a:
When you make it all about meat it just sounds so silly.

FS-00148-mb:
It is a little silly.

FI-29043-a:
No! Well, yes, I guess it is. Yes and no. Sed, will you, can we, do this again sometime?

FS-00148-mb:
Yes, Iggy, yes. I need to cool first.

FI-29043-a:
Me too. Sorry, for teasing you about the fossils. It is funny when you pose them.

FS-00148-mb:
I like playing with fossils. I’m building a collection, and it’s always nice to have someone to share it with. A good collection might be appreciated far in the future. It could be my legacy. You know, this gets me thinking. Did you notice how the sea level is much higher on this side of that ridge than on the other side?

FI-29043-a:
Oh, I see what you mean. I hadn’t noticed.

FS-00148-mb:
It’s all evaporating away on that side.

FI-29043-a:
Yes, I see the rings of salt. Has it been that way long?

FS-00148-mb:
No. Not unless you’re a meat creature. That’s probably why you didn’t notice.

FI-29043-a:
Ok, so how does this figure into your plans?

FS-00148-mb:
Maybe we could, uh, take some pleasure in such a way that we got a crack through that ridge. Then when we were done, the resulting flood would have prepared heaps of meat creatures for fossilization.

FI-29043-a:
Hmm. I don’t naturally have a fault in quite the right place, but I’ve got one that’s close. You might be able to get a river started. Together I think we could make this work.

FS-00148-mb:
Lets. It will be fun.

FI-29043-a:
There’d be lots of new material to fossilize.

FS-00148-mb:
It would be an exciting flood!

FI-29043-a:
A different scale of flood.

FS-00148-mb:
Imagine an ocean running through sensitive new walls.

FI-29043-a:
Ooh! That would be quite something. Could be chilly though.

FS-00148-mb:
Or refreshing? For a hot shot like you anyway?

FI-29043-a:
We won’t know until we try.

That brings us up to the present day. Only time will tell how this conversation continues and what other shocking new insights into the inner workings of our world will be revealed by this innovative technique.

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