by aohime (\u9752\u59eb)<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
Staring at his cell phone as he sat in a quiet corner of the apartment living room, Leif\u2019s roommate took a measured breath and said, \u201cI am going to kill a man.\u201d<\/p>\n
Leif didn\u2019t even look up from his computer. \u201cWho are you killing this time?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cAyrien,\u201d Kai said, still for all appearances perfectly calm.<\/p>\n
\u201cAh. Him again.\u201d His eyes lifted from his screen to peer over the laptop balanced on his knees in Kai\u2019s direction. \u201cYou know, you said that last week and the week before that and the week before that<\/i>, yet he\u2019s still breathing. I\u2019m starting to think these threats of homicide aren\u2019t even serious anymore.\u201d<\/p>\n
Kai gritted his teeth, still scrolling through his Twitter feed. \u201cOh, they\u2019re serious. I\u2019m just biding my time for the right moment, stockpiling all my anger and spite for one glorious moment.\u201d<\/p>\n
Leif snorted.<\/p>\n
\u201cLook at this.\u201d Kai stomped over to the sofa and thrust his phone in front of the laptop screen. It had a picture of a scruffy blond haired white man with a lopsided ponytail eating an ice cream cone with the shop logo behind him. He\u2019d captioned it: \u201cGetting #CarmelMochaChip @ #Juliette\u2019s #summersweets #best #icecream<\/i>.\u201d When Leif failed to look indignant, or at least understanding, Kai jiggled the phone under his nose. \u201cLook! He found out my favorite ice cream place was and takes pics whenever he\u2019s getting my favorite flavor there.\u201d He pulled up two other pictures, both of them at the same shop with the same flavor. \u201cHe\u2019s taunting me,\u201d Kai said, glaring at the phone like he could send a modicum of his rage through its surface to the source.<\/p>\n
\u201cOr he just likes the same ice cream you do.\u201d Leif pushed the phone out of his face.<\/p>\n
\u201cI should punch him,\u201d Kai said.<\/p>\n
Sometimes Kai\u2019s jumps in what were appropriate reactions were alarming. \u201cWow, no. That is a fast track to an assault charge.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYou weren\u2019t protesting homicide a second ago.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYou\u2019re not going to kill him, but I know you. You\u2019ve already punched this guy once. You\u2019d totally punch him again.\u201d<\/p>\n
Kai huffed, giving Leif a look that said his patience with him was running thin too. He stuck his phone into his pocket instead of sending an angry tweet back in Ayrien\u2019s direction at least.<\/p>\n
Leif lounged back in the sofa and watched Kai all but vibrate in place with irritation that had no outlet. \u201cYou realize there\u2019s a solution to all of this, right?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cAnd what,\u201d Kai snapped, \u201cmight that be, of fountain of wisdom?\u201d<\/p>\n
Leif raised an eyebrow and brought out the same logical solution he had the last time this came up. \u201cHow about you, oh, I don\u2019t know, stop talking to him.<\/i>\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cHe talks to me.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cIgnore him.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWe go to the same yoga studio.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cFind a new yoga studio.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI\u2019ve been going there longer than Ayrien has been,\u201d Kai protested. \u201cAnd he\u2019s in the same painting class.\u201d They had a stare down. Kai broke it first saying, \u201cAnd if I ignore him or leave, then he\u2019d win.<\/i>\u201d He said \u2018win\u2019 like a curse word, too filthy to be considered.<\/p>\n
Leif gave him a look, and reminded himself that he was the patient one. \u201cI\u2019m pretty sure this rivalry is all in your head,\u201d Leif said.<\/p>\n
\u201cIt\u2019s not.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cThose pictures could just be him enjoying ice cream.\u201d<\/p>\n
Kai threw up his hands. \u201cHe purposely gets my name wrong every time we talk!\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cMaybe he\u2019s bad with names.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cHow hard is it to remember a three letter name after three years of yoga together?\u201d<\/p>\n
Leif sighed. \u201cPoint.\u201d Time for a distraction before Kai truly started into his tunnel vision. He clicked around on his laptop for a few seconds and waved his roommate over. Kai came, anger already becoming the familiar simmering frustration instead of hot-bright rage. \u201cIf you can pause in your hate for a moment, give me a hand and test this.\u201d Leif swung the laptop around to present the latest version of the side-scrolling interactive game he was making. Kai took it.<\/p>\n
Kai, Leif had found, was the perfect test person because if something could go wrong in a game, it inevitably did when he played it. It was either a gift or a curse. As Kai clicked and arrowed through the game world, Leif idly scrolled through Kai\u2019s Twitter feed on his phone. If Kai hated Ayrien so much, it was kind of stupid to follow the guy on Twitter. Especially if he thought the guy had it out for him. But then Ayrien was following him back, and he never replied to any of Kai\u2019s occasional passive aggressive messages from the look of it, so that had to mean something. Even Kai couldn\u2019t invent an escalating harassment over the course of the last six months. To think that before Kai punched the guy in the face, Leif had only heard complaints about him a couple of times.<\/p>\n
\u201c…Okay, it glitched,\u201d Kai said a lot sooner than Leif had hoped he would.<\/p>\n
Leif looked over his shoulder to see a dialogue box opening and closing rapidly without any input from Kai at all. \u201cCrap. Okay, I can fix that. Was that the first time you tried to have a dialogue with a NPC?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cNo there were a few others.\u201d Kai handed the laptop back. \u201cOh, and are the doors supposed to vanish after you do everything in a building?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWhat? No!\u201d Leif shut the game and brought up the work file. \u201cOh my god, how is that even possible? What did you do? It was working fine when I tried it ten minutes ago.\u201d Yet again, Kai found some glitch that shouldn\u2019t have been possible.<\/p>\n
\u201cGood luck fixing that,\u201d Kai said without much real sympathy. He snatched up his phone. \u201cI\u2019m going to head out to yoga.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cHave fun committing homicide,\u201d Leif muttered, immersing himself in his codes again.<\/p>\n
Kai laughed on the way out. At least one of them was in a better mood.<\/p>\n
***<\/p>\n
\u201cYou\u2019re grinning,\u201d Glen said. Ayrien had many grins, most of them fake, but the one he had now as they walked toward Ayrien\u2019s first yoga class of the week was not only genuine, but fell into the classification of devious. Ayrien had three different devious smiles, each with varying amounts of sadistic glee directed at some misfortune of another human being. Often due to his actions.<\/p>\n
Ayrien made no effort to look up from his phone as he walked, elbow to elbow with Glen. His grin was wide enough to see his molars. \u201cI am,\u201d he agreed. By some miracle or another he avoided tripping over the cracked sidewalk or the snarl of wire Glen stepped around.<\/p>\n
\u201cWhose life are you ruining today?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cMoser. I posted that picture from yesterday.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cThe ice cream shop?\u201d Ayrien had ordered a coffee ice cream mess and taken an unbearably smug selfie with it. It was the second time he\u2019d done that with Glen present, and who knew how many times he\u2019d done it when they were separate. Ayrien barely even liked coffee ice cream.<\/p>\n
He preferred his coffee bitter and with just the smallest splash of milk.<\/p>\n
\u201cYup.\u201d He flipped the phone around to show the picture.<\/p>\n
\u201cHas he even seen it?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cDunno, but I\u2019ll find out shortly.\u201d He was almost skipping, giddy at the thought of pissing someone off. Well, at pissing off a very particular person.<\/p>\n
\u201cYou know, one of these days he\u2019s going to punch you again.\u201d Glen hadn\u2019t been there the day Kai Moser punched Ayrien six months ago, but he didn\u2019t have to be to know that Ayrien had crossed a line somehow. It was one of his special talents, finding all the boundaries people had and testing them. Kai wasn\u2019t the only person who\u2019d punched Ayrien in the face.<\/p>\n
\u201cYup.\u201d<\/p>\n
How someone could sound happy about the prospect of being punched, Glen would never understand. But that was why Ayrien was Ayrien and Glen was Glen. Glen was far more likely to be someone doing the punching than getting punched. \u201cJust curious,\u201d Glen said, \u201cbut why Kai Moser?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWhy not Kai Moser?\u201d Ayrien said, one hand on his chest, gearing up for dramatics. \u201cWhy, clearly he\u2019s one convenient person in a sea of many, all ticking time bombs of anger waiting to go off. Why not pester Cecilio or our instructor or the group of housewives with their sketchy swingers group in\u2014ow.\u201d<\/p>\n
Glen removed his elbow from Ayrien\u2019s side. \u201cIf you don\u2019t want to answer, say so. Remember, no bullshit with me.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cRight, right.\u201d Ayrien rubbed his side, his performing face melting into one of mild irritation. It was one of the ground rules between them, one Glen insisted on. He\u2019d take Ayrien being honest with him or he wouldn\u2019t be around him at all. Ayrien was getting better at it, but he still slipped up into old habits at times. \u201cI like his expression when he\u2019s thinking about strangling me,\u201d Ayrien said with complete, blunt honesty. \u201cHis face turns red and he grits his teeth and all I\u2019d need to do is poke him for him to explode.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYou find it funny sort of like, or find it hot?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cBoth.\u201d<\/p>\n
Yet another thing Glen couldn\u2019t understand. Ayrien wasn\u2019t interested in people who genuinely cared for him or would do anything for him. That had never captured and held his attention. Instead he found people he could bother and incite to anger a lot more fascinating, especially when they stuck around rather than just telling him to fuck off and shoving him out of their lives. Kai certainly fit the bill for what Ayrien would find worthy of his attention. \u201cI\u2019m changing my ringtone for you to be Florence and the Machine\u2019s \u2018Kiss with a Fist,\u2019\u201d Glen said.<\/p>\n
Ayrien laughed.<\/p>\n
Sometimes Glen wondered if Ayrien preferred making people angry because it was so much easier to do than getting them to like you. He had a whole range of theories, proven and otherwise, on what made Ayrien Gray tick. In the end, the only way to be his friend was to take no shit from him and to give no shits in regards to how Ayrien interacted with anyone else. Pity it took the better part of a decade to figure those things out.<\/p>\n
\u201cWhen he breaks your nose,\u201d Glen said, \u201cI\u2019m going to laugh at you.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWow, some friend you are,\u201d Ayrien said, still laughing.<\/p>\n
\u201cBe glad I\u2019m not the one punching.\u201d<\/p>\n
Ayrien snorted. His nose was still a little crooked from when Glen broke it in high school, Ayrien going that one step too far and neither of them experienced enough to know where to draw those lines or have a healthy friendship at all back then. \u201cYou wouldn\u2019t aim for my face,\u201d Ayrien said.<\/p>\n
Glen wouldn\u2019t because he\u2019d break his hand again. Faces were mostly bone. \u201cIt\u2019s a pity you can\u2019t like people who don\u2019t hate you.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cIt would be pretty boring though, you have to admit.\u201d Ayrien slipped his phone away. \u201cNow I have an hour of yoga to mess with Moser today, a painting class on Tuesday to mess with him then, Thursday to poke at Che-chi-lio in the other yoga session, and maybe Saturday I can drop in on Moser working the counter at the coffee shop he works at and pick the most complicated thing possible just for the hell of it.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWhich you expect me to drink since it will be inedible for your taste buds.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cPretty much. Be my coffee date Saturday?\u201d<\/p>\n
Glen rolled his eyes. \u201cIf you\u2019re using me to help piss off your weird hate-crush, I expect a muffin to go with that coffee.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cDeal. You don\u2019t have anything going Saturday anyway.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cAnd if I wanted to sleep in?\u201d Glen asked pointedly.<\/p>\n
\u201c…You could sleep in.\u201d<\/p>\n
There, boundary reinforced.<\/p>\n
\u201cRight.\u201d Glen nodded before relenting. \u201cBut you\u2019re right, I don\u2019t have anything going on and don\u2019t mind watching you be an ass to other people. Maybe that will be the day you get punched in the face and I\u2019ll have a front row seat.\u201d<\/p>\n
It was Ayrien\u2019s turn to elbow Glen, meaning he was being a bit too mean. Ah well. He\u2019d back off then. He didn\u2019t actually want Ayrien to be punched in the face. Even if it would be kind of funny.<\/p>\n
As they neared the yoga studio, Ayrien\u2019s giddiness rose, then settled out into a sort of calm. No doubt he was just as anticipatory under the smooth smirk now on his face, but for all appearances he was currently feeling above the world at large. There was just enough arrogant smugness in that smirk to give Glen a twinge of irritation even knowing it was an act at the moment. Mostly because a lot of the time it wasn\u2019t an act, and having that smugness thrown in your face had the tendency to irritate even the most patient of souls.<\/p>\n
\u201cHow do I look?\u201d Ayrien asked. \u201cIn control?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYou look like you\u2019re about to say something rude.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cSo like usual?\u201d Ayrien joked, for once putting himself at the butt of the joke.<\/p>\n
\u201cMore or less. I like your real smile more though.\u201d<\/p>\n
That earned him that real smile, a brief flash, a bit less smug and just a bit more tilt of the lips and crinkle of his eyes. \u201cLet me know what Moser\u2019s expression is when I walk in. I\u2019m going to pretend he doesn\u2019t exist.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cCan do.\u201d It was amazing, Glen reflected, how much more fun it was being Ayrien\u2019s friend once he stopped trying to be Ayrien\u2019s social mediator. There were still times where he cringed internally and wanted to tell Ayrien he was crossing too many lines. Then there were times where it was actually funny. His mom would point out that this was probably Ayrien corrupting him. She wouldn\u2019t be wrong, but he\u2019d let himself be corrupted quite willingly with that one.<\/p>\n
When they walked in, Glen casually took a moment to get a photo of Kai\u2019s expression for Ayrien. It was his favorite death glare after all.<\/p>\n
***<\/p>\n
Irritation simmered along Kai\u2019s nerves. Ayrien was ten feet away from him on a stupid foam mat, doing annoyingly smooth yoga moves along with the instructor and no matter how much Kai tried to put it out of his head and reach for that inner peace that yoga was supposed to give, his movements remained stiff and his mind refused to clear. Kai had anger issues. He knew this, had gained control of it for the most part in his life, and most people he could tune out these days. Leif trying to downplay his surety that Ayrien was mocking him? Ignorable since Leif wasn\u2019t the one experiencing it. The car that stopped across the crosswalk at the red light on the way there? Forgivable because it took a half a second to walk around. Ayrien walks in with a smirk half an hour after posting a Tweet aimed at Kai? Insta-rage.<\/p>\n
Ayrien was a big flashing neon spot in his visual field that burst through all the coping techniques Kai had learned and seared into Kai\u2019s consciousness in a way that refused to settle comfortably. He prickled and itched along the edge of Kai\u2019s consciousness no matter where in a room he was, and could get on Kai\u2019s nerves in less than three words whenever he opened his mouth. He had a very punchable face, with a slightly crooked nose from a past break that invited breaking again. Or maybe that was just the anger in him talking. There had never been someone who filled Kai\u2019s awareness quite so completely as Ayrien could just by walking in the room, and that annoyed him immensely.<\/p>\n
It marred the peace of yoga. It marred the peace of the painting class he was taking\u2014both things he\u2019d chosen to help with the anger, both things he refused to give up even though Ayrien had showed up at them and kind of ruined their purpose by his mere existence. It marred his part-time job when Ayrien showed up and his waking moments when he stalked Ayrien\u2019s social media. It was probably unhealthy but he hated Ayrien in a way that made him feel like he was burning alive. Except it didn\u2019t hurt at all, just made everything sharper and brighter and fuller of emotional extremes that could be both exhilarating and exhausting.<\/p>\n
Ayrien shifted from cobra position into a flawless bow pose, feet almost brushing the back of his head. How dare he be that flexible. Kai\u2019s own muscles and ligaments protested as he moved along with the rest of the room, trembling as he held on to his ankles. It didn\u2019t hurt, but burned in the way using muscles he ignored the rest of the time tended to burn. Kai closed his eyes so he wasn\u2019t seeing Ayrien\u2019s stupid blond ponytail swinging against his stupid eye-searing yellow tank top that showed too much stupid sun-tanned skin.<\/p>\n
Ignore him, Leif had said. Well Kai was damn well trying.<\/p>\n
Breath flowed rougher from his lungs than it was supposed to, not quite in pattern for what they were doing. Breathing right had always been the hardest part of yoga for him. His arms reached and stretched as they moved back to standing. Kai pretended he was trying to claw Ayrien\u2019s face off.<\/p>\n
Ayrien hadn\u2019t looked his way once yet.<\/p>\n
His friend Glen had been fiddling with his cell phone when they entered, but he\u2019d sent Kai a half-apologetic, half-amused look when they entered, like he couldn\u2019t help finding the whole situation they\u2019d found themselves in a bit funny but was a bit guilty about it. Kai had nothing against Glen except that Glen had inexplicably chosen to be Ayrien\u2019s friend for reasons beyond Kai\u2019s understanding. If Ayrien was tired of their back and forth taunts or just one-upping the mind games, Glen would know.<\/p>\n
Kai wasn\u2019t going to ask. That, too, would be losing.<\/p>\n
They came to rest, back with their hands to their heart, breath released. Another yoga class where he hadn\u2019t been able to tear his mind away from Ayrien at all.<\/p>\n
This was a pattern he was having trouble getting irritated about anymore. There were enough other things to be irritated about without adding to it.<\/p>\n
Ayrien didn\u2019t look his way when they cleaned and rolled the mats. He didn\u2019t look at Kai as they got a drink of water. He didn\u2019t look as he wiped sweat off his neck and chest. Kai\u2019s fists clenched and unclenched. How dare Ayrien bait him with photos then ignore him. The ass.<\/p>\n
When Ayrien put on his shoes and started heading toward the door, Kai snapped. \u201cOh no you don\u2019t!\u201d he growled under his breath. Arisa, who had only been in the yoga group for a month and didn\u2019t know the history between Kai and Ayrien, almost got bowled over as Kai made a bee-line for the door. Those who had been attending for years were already giving him space before he even realized his feet were moving.<\/p>\n
Dimly, Kai heard their instructor, Marie, ask them to not start things in the studio. He listened in as much as he pushed Ayrien fully out the front door before he turned on him. \u201cYou,\u201d Kai said, voice as menacing as he could make it. \u201cYou.<\/i>\u201d Further words caught in his throat, choked around a lump of rage.<\/p>\n
\u201cMe,\u201d Ayrien agreed with his usual smirk on his face. He was completely relaxed considering he had just been shoved against a brick wall.<\/p>\n
Kai\u2019s fingers twitched, whether from a desire to choke or scratch lines down the fucker\u2019s face, he wasn\u2019t sure. The worst part, a tiny, rational portion of him reflected, was that by poking Kai into a rage, Ayrien was always in control.<\/i> He\u2019d been in control the one time Kai decked him too, grinning through a bloody nose and eyes flashing with something dangerous that could have been baiting him to try something further or maybe even actually enjoying the whole thing. He hadn\u2019t had a chance to find out because Marie had been between them and talking Kai down from murderous to his usual level of seething irritation. They had both almost got banned that day and Kai\u2019d changed his yoga day because of it. A fat lot of good that had done.<\/p>\n
Kai sucked a breath through clenched teeth, hand tangled around Ayrien\u2019s shirt and fought for words. It wasn\u2019t only Ayrien\u2019s body language that was relaxed; nothing in his stupid gray-green eyes gave away anything more than confidence either. Confidence, control, certainty that he was above Kai in every way. Kai should punch him just for that. Instead he stomped on the part of him that wondered if Ayrien\u2019s composure would break if he moved his free hand to his throat. He unclenched his fist from the front of Ayrien\u2019s tank top, finger by finger. Then he poked Ayrien in the chest once, hard. \u201cStop,\u201d he bit out.<\/p>\n
Ayrien raised an eyebrow. It had to be plucked or something to have that kind of neat curve. He was all a mixture of artifice and false sincerity and obnoxiousness. \u201cI\u2019m not sure what you want me to stop. This time I didn\u2019t do anything at all.\u201d His smirk got just the slightest bit bigger. \u201cI thought that was what you asked last time.\u201d<\/p>\n
Fuck him. Fuck him for turning Kai\u2019s angry \u201cStop pulling all this bullshit!\u201d from last time into a new taunt this time. \u201cI hate you so much,\u201d Kai hissed.<\/p>\n
\u201cHmm.\u201d Ayrien tilted his head and his hair caught against the brick, pulling strands free of his ponytail to float around his face like some stupid golden cloud. \u201cYou want me to stop bothering you and when I stop, you want attention. I could think you don\u2019t really know what you want, Mouser.\u201d<\/p>\n
Surely it would be justifiable manslaughter rather than outright murder if he killed him. Surely it would be understandable to a jury. \u201cDon\u2019t call me that.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWould you prefer Kia?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cKai<\/i>. It is three letters, why are you like this?\u201d<\/p>\n
Ayrien\u2019s lips twitched and Kai knew he was going to do something like quote Lady Gaga\u2019s \u201cBorn This Way\u201d or something equally grating.<\/p>\n
He stepped back before he could and said, \u201cNever mind!\u201d<\/p>\n
A throat cleared next to them, Glen, still fiddling with his phone. \u201cIf you two are finished?\u201d he said. Kai couldn\u2019t read Glen for shit half the time, so it was hard to tell if he was amused or annoyed. \u201cAyrien, you have lunch with your mother today, in case you\u2019ve forgotten.\u201d A crack in Ayrien\u2019s mask, a brief purse of his lips like it was a reminder he could have done without. Glen looked up from his phone and met Kai\u2019s eyes. He smiled, polite and impersonal as acquaintances were. \u201cThanks for not giving him a black eye.\u201d<\/p>\n
Sincere or more mind games? Any friend of Ayrien couldn\u2019t be as sincere as he appeared. Kai scowled at them both and stepped away. \u201cIf he keeps pulling shit, I will next time.\u201d<\/p>\n
Ayrien brushed by him, amused and in control again. \u201cYou\u2019ve said that four weeks in a row.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI meant that every time.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYou\u2019d get bored without me,\u201d Ayrien said with full confidence that this was true.<\/p>\n
The truly annoying part was that with how much Ayrien infiltrated his life these days, he probably wasn\u2019t wrong. Kai rolled his eyes. \u201cI\u2019d get some peace for once.\u201d<\/p>\n
Ayrien flashed his teeth in a grin as he pulled out a pair of sunglasses that looked like they had to have cost a fortune. \u201cSee? Bored.\u201d<\/p>\n
All the comebacks to that tangled up on Kai\u2019s tongue as Ayrien walked away with Glen like it wasn\u2019t worth looking back.<\/p>\n
\u201cI\u2019d find a hobby,\u201d Kai finally said as Ayrien\u2019s back rounded the corner. He stared after them for a moment, all the burning irritation fizzling into cinders. Usually there was a bit more back and forth than that. He almost was disappointed. It felt like he\u2019d lost. Lost what exactly, he couldn\u2019t say, but a loss nonetheless.<\/p>\n
***<\/p>\n
Ayrien Gray made it something of a habit to be as unpleasant as possible whenever it didn’t suit him to do otherwise. It had started with his parents\u2014of course it had started with his parents; few deep-rooted emotional issues didn\u2019t start with parents\u2014who took one look at him after his older brother\u2019s perfect records and life and had been disappointed before he could even try to prove not to be a disappointment. Naturally, if he couldn\u2019t get their goodwill, he\u2019d be as much of a pain as possible. It had snowballed from there. Between being ahead of most of his class, enjoying dancing around people until they lost themselves in anger, and bored by most of the world, he\u2019d cultivated a very specific personality calculated to grate on as many nerves as possible. It was always so interesting<\/i> to see how people would react when angry.<\/p>\n
But part of cultivating that personality had been insuring he was about as far from his perfect brother meeting their parents\u2019 expectations as was possible. They wanted him to be neat and groomed; Ayrien grew out his hair and wore high end distressed clothing. They wanted him to be polite; he pointed out the things polite society was supposed to overlook and played innocent as his target succumbed to embarrassment and anger. They wanted him to pursue a respectable career in law or business or politics like everyone else in the family; Ayrien had dropped out of college after taking nothing but criminology, psychology, and art classes, and started his own private investigating business while pursuing artistic goals on the side.<\/p>\n
It didn\u2019t really matter than he was horrible at art, or that he tended not to get many repeat customers despite always getting requested results for his investigative work. Ayrien knew his customer service was majorly lacking, he just didn\u2019t care to fix it. (Truly he didn\u2019t need to; despite being the family shame and failure, his parents had yet to cut him out of the family and supported him far more than they needed to in the mistaken assumption that he would otherwise waste away in poverty. He actually could survive well on what he made, but the financial help never hurt.)<\/p>\n
No, Ayrien knew he was the last person anyone could get along with easily and he liked it that way. Anyone who actually stuck around in his life was someone who either took no crap or accepted his quirks (or both in Glen\u2019s case, though that hadn\u2019t always been the status quo between them). It was hard to be a disappointment when his worst was his normal; he liked to think that people knew exactly what they were getting into if they stayed.<\/p>\n
The continuing art classes were more of a self-challenge than anything else. It was the one thing he proved to be bad at despite his efforts, so naturally he had to keep trying. It was fun to play with all the worst color combinations. Create enough bad works, after all, and maybe he would work around by some paradoxical means and come out semi-decent.<\/p>\n
It was truly a coincidence that these classes ended up being the same place Kai Moser went.<\/p>\n
Kai Moser, five foot seven, auburn hair, hermit-pale, and forever restless. He was serious and introverted, entirely unremarkable to Ayrien’s first notice until he was angry. And oh did he ever have a short temper. When he was angry, it was like all social filters ceased to exist and his every thought was plain as could be across his face. He also tended to tunnel vision and it was an addictive feeling to have someone\u2019s complete focus that way. Ayrien didn\u2019t need his psych classes to understand why it appealed; it also didn\u2019t take much thought as to why it appealed in a less than platonic fashion either. What could he say? He liked what he liked.<\/p>\n
Their shared art class was held on the second story of a building that was once a general store with apartments above it, the classroom itself in a modified living room. Ayrien gave a practiced smile to the woman who ran the class\u2014fifty-two, married, teaching this class for supplemental income, nicknamed Ms. May for her preference for floral shirts\u2014and she smiled back. He could be polite. He could be downright charming if he wanted to be, and in her case, he was because being polite to her meant she overlooked some of the times he poked at Kai.<\/p>\n
Watercolors today, individual spots at the table set with cups of water and brushes and pieces of paper, individual sets of paints mixed alongside tubes for those who wanted to mix in one of the plastic paint reservoirs. The centerpiece was a vase with dried flowers and a draped cloth ready to be sketched and painted. Last week had been working with people and had involved a model standing in the middle of the room for an hour. Ayrien took his usual place at the back of the room where he could see the rest of the class easily. It was also the perfect vantage point to watch Kai as he was also someone that preferred the edges of a room and consistently sought out the corner across from the entrance, putting him as far away from Ayrien as possible without him sitting with his back to the door.<\/p>\n
Kai was late. Other students were already filling the seats, but his remained empty. He seemed to either run early or late, but never on time in Ayrien\u2019s experience. It was probably a day he worked, Kai\u2019s job being far enough away from the studio that it would lead to him being late here on days he was scheduled to work. Contrary to Kai\u2019s accusations, Ayrien had not memorized Kai\u2019s work schedule; he only knew about a few of his regular work days from happening to go in for coffee.<\/p>\n
Kai rushed in a few minutes after the start time, out of breath and irritated already. Ayrien gave him a cheery wave. He got a scowl back and a pointed cold shoulder.<\/p>\n
Ah well. That was probably meant to be revenge for last time. It was more like a child pouting in effect though. Cute.<\/p>\n
While the rest of the class got down to sketching or painting the still life, Ayrien played with his colors, mixing an orangey brown with a bit of burnt sienna undertones and made it flow around his page. He liked water colors; they could do things that were impossible with thicker paints. For the hell of it, he added chartreuse to one part and a swirl of bubblegum pink toward the bottom left arcing toward the green. It was hideous. He kind of liked how it all turned muddy where the colors ran together.<\/p>\n
When the teacher passed by, he made a dutiful show of attempting the still life on a different paper. As usual, the shapes refused to be what he wanted them to be. It was funny how he could have an image so clearly in front of him or in his head, but be entirely incapable of translating it from brain to hand. His vase resembled a pool of water, his draped cloth a pile of sand. The flowers were so much bursts of color, amorphous and blurry.<\/p>\n
Ayrien tilted the page. Now lines of watercolor ran down the page from the mess. It almost looked intentional. He was informed that he was using too much water and shown a method of shading. He copied it and managed to just get a diluted watery mess instead of a bright one. Across the room, Kai seemed utterly focused on his painting, each brush stroke deliberate and precise. His painting probably looked like a proper vase of flowers. His work tended to be rough but full of life where Ayrien\u2019s just tended to be rough on a good day.<\/p>\n
He tried to depict the vase in one color. It ended up a watery silhouette. He added more colors and made it look more like a firework melting into a blue and red chasm than a failed still life. He could almost say that this painting could be called aesthetically pleasing. There were more pointers before the class ended\u2014take his time, try sketching, wash the brush thoroughly, use even less water than that, no that\u2019s too little, try diluting the colors, no not that much, let sections dry and layer colors. He made mental notes to experiment with later.<\/p>\n
At the end of class, Ayrien had five watery messes, only one of which really resembled the still life. Kai had one painting that Ayrien would never admit to his face that he found it pretty. Ayrien all but skipped after Kai as he left, still trying to pretend that Ayrien didn\u2019t exist, which would have been more effective if the hunch of his shoulders didn\u2019t say he was very aware of where Ayrien was the whole time.<\/p>\n
\u201cHmm, Ms. May is right, a bit more shading would make the whole piece come together more,\u201d Ayrien said, peeking at Kai\u2019s painting.<\/p>\n
Kai bodily blocked his view. He held onto the pretense of ignoring Ayrien for three more seconds before hissing out a breath. \u201cThe advice would mean more coming from someone whose art didn\u2019t look like cat puke.\u201d<\/p>\n
Ouch. Granted some of the things he\u2019d made did look like cat-sick. But ouch. \u201cAh, Mouser, you just don\u2019t have the appreciation of my fine art. Abstract expression is so much deeper than a mere still life.\u201d<\/p>\n
Kai almost audibly rolled his eyes. \u201cMoser.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cRight, Mosura.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI hate you.\u201d The words were resigned, not sharp. Shoulders tense, but angled a bit toward Ayrien, so not actually closed off. A mix of aggressive and inviting. The tilt of his chin said prepared to confront, but his feet and hips said he was prepared to book it out of there if his anger started to get the better of him. Interesting, so very interesting and why it was so much fun to poke. <\/i>And if Ayrien ever pushed past that line of what was safe to prod at and irritate Kai on into too far territory, he was certain he\u2019d get decked. Since he didn\u2019t actually want to push past those boundaries, he tended to flit around their edges. Getting punched once was enough. He hadn\u2019t minded being punched\u2014he was used to it really\u2014but he hadn\u2019t liked how Kai looked hurt in addition to his usual rage. Guilt was an uncomfortable emotion.<\/p>\n
\u201cYou know you always say that,\u201d Ayrien said, letting some of that fascination leak into his voice, \u201cand yet here we are. You talking to me. Willingly. One would almost think you enjoy it.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cHa!\u201d Kai spoke the word more than laughed it incredulously, taking a step back. Not running, not yet, more a step back to take in the full picture, distance, clear his head only it was Kai so the distance made no difference at all when it came to interacting with Ayrien. \u201cEnjoy? What is there to enjoy about this?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cThe adrenaline rush,\u201d Ayrien said. \u201cThat single-minded focus you can only get when you\u2019re angry, and you feel conflicted about being angry. You like it but you hate it too and you like getting angry at me because I\u2019m safe to be angry at\u2014I give you plenty of reason to be angry.\u201d Kai\u2019s lips went white with pressure, hands fisting, body balanced at the edge of fight or flight. There was a familiar rush of knowing that he was dancing on the knife blade of Kai\u2019s self-control. \u201cIt\u2019s addictive, I know. I\u2019m addicted to that rush too.\u201d<\/p>\n
For a second Ayrien thought Kai really would punch him because he just breached something that was mutually understood but unspoken and uncomfortable about both of their personalities. Instead Kai reigned it back and down. It was almost disappointing really. Ayrien could see him packing emotions into little boxes and shutting down all his impulses one by one in the way he shook, frozen for a few fleeting moments. How brightly would Kai burn if he didn\u2019t reign it in? Fists relaxed. \u201cIt is really,\u201d Kai said with clipped words, \u201cannoying to hear you admit you\u2019re doing this deliberately. Even more that you blame it on a sick addiction.\u201d<\/p>\n
Pot to kettle<\/i>, Ayrien thought, but he kept his smile. \u201cIf I am an addict, what does that make you?\u201d He leaned closer. Kai\u2019s chest puffed out, ready to argue or act, ready for confrontation and all his attention so wonderfully focused on Ayrien and Ayrien only. \u201cIs it hatred when you enjoy the game?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cIs it a game?\u201d<\/p>\n
Neither of them blinked, smile versus glare, until the art teacher stepped out of the building and frowned at them.<\/p>\n
\u201cIs there a problem?\u201d she asked.<\/p>\n
\u201cNot at all,\u201d Ayrien said, not looking away from Kai. \u201cJust discussing our differences like the mature individuals we are.\u201d<\/p>\n
Mature<\/i>, Kai mouthed like it was a foreign concept.<\/p>\n
\u201cOf course,\u201d their teacher said, not sounding like she bought a word from Ayrien\u2019s mouth. Not when Kai was still glaring at any rate. \u201cPerhaps take the discussion somewhere else, boys.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cCan do, ma\u2019am,\u201d Ayrien said, all false smiles and false sincerity. Neither he nor Kai moved. Ms. May sighed and left anyway, not interested in getting into whatever argument they might or might not be having.<\/p>\n
\u201cI hate you most when you do that,\u201d Kai said.<\/p>\n
\u201cDo what?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cAll that<\/i>,\u201d Kai said, waving one hand in Ayrien\u2019s direction, entirely disgruntled. \u201cPretending. Fake.\u201d<\/p>\n
It was so close to something Glen had said to him once that Ayrien had to stare a second. It brought emotions up in him besides his usual amusement and anticipation, a tangled mass that he set aside to analyze to death later when he could properly categorize all its nuances. Now, he pulled on a smirk that he didn\u2019t feel as acutely as he ordinarily would and leaned into Kai\u2019s bubble of personal space for the disgruntled look it would get him. \u201cSo you mean you hate me less when I\u2019m being my asshole self.\u201d<\/p>\n
Kai\u2019s lips twisted, face flushed, refusing to even admit out loud that Ayrien being himself was preferable to him being polite but fake. Ayrien would take this discovery and hold it close to his heart. And perhaps lord it over Kai for a long while to come because Kai\u2019s current conflicted expression was especially entertaining.<\/p>\n
\u201cWell, I prefer being me too, so I suppose I\u2019ll keep being me toward you.\u201d Where the masks ended and Ayrien began were confusing and very thin lines at times, but it was interesting to note that Kai could tell the difference for some of them. Most people didn\u2019t bother, either concluding he was all bullshit or always up to something if they bothered to notice at all. Ayrien generally was planning something but right now he wasn\u2019t thinking beyond wondering if actually touching Kai in any way would be crossing the line too far. Kai had a smudge of watercolors along the corner of his jaw, left when he rubbed a hand against his face in class or some similar motion. His painting was between them like a wall while all of Ayrien\u2019s paintings were stuffed in his bag, slowly bleeding dampness and pigment onto everything in there.<\/p>\n
The air felt heavy like it often did these days, but there was a surprising lack of anger in it; the interruption had burst the worst of the animosity brewing in the air to leave a different tension.<\/p>\n
Kai kept looking at him, had never looked away. Ayrien could read all the signs he wanted from his body language\u2014mixed defensive and open in a strange mix, intent on face and eyes and lips, flushed face could be more than anger\u2014but he couldn\u2019t trust those signs because they weren\u2019t read with the proper detachment, his own interests shading his interpretation of them.<\/p>\n
He stepped back.<\/p>\n
\u201cGoing to paint more cat puke paintings?\u201d Kai asked as the distance grew. Disengage, walk away, do not take things further than is acceptable, push but no further than he could quantify within boundaries of \u2018safe\u2019. Safe wasn’t just Kai’s boundaries.<\/p>\n
\u201cOr something,\u201d Ayrien said, voice sunny, agreeable, entirely fake. He heard a hiss of breath behind him.<\/p>\n
\u201cDo you hate me or something?\u201d Kai called after him. Not the first time. He\u2019d yelled that before, multiple times, yelled it after he gave him a bloody nose six months ago, with a bewildered sort of hurt and anger at why Ayrien would prod at what turned out to be a deep hurt. He\u2019d said it a few other times in the last few months when Ayrien neared the line too closely, and maybe he was too close to an entirely different line right now.<\/p>\n
\u201cOr something,\u201d Ayrien repeated. He sent a teasing smile over his shoulder and did not laugh a bit hysterically like he wanted to. He couldn\u2019t resist still pushing even though he should stop for now.<\/p>\n
There was raw frustration on Kai\u2019s face and some confusion. Not worth filing away because that would lead to more emotions he would have to analyze and Ayrien knew himself well enough to know he wouldn\u2019t be happy with his conclusions anyway. There was baiting Kai, Ayrien playing with himself at the same time, and then there was taking the game too far and letting it mean something. Glen would probably laugh in his face and point out it had meant something ever since he gravitated to Kai increasingly often even after getting punched.<\/p>\n
Glen would know because he had punched Ayrien and walked away and walked back into his life and made himself someone Ayrien couldn\u2019t ignore or walk over, made himself central and real in Ayrien\u2019s life with that one action.<\/p>\n
He was self-aware enough to know it didn\u2019t say anything good about his psyche that being pushed back was what it took to start caring. He was self-aware enough to know why he had self-destructive tendencies too.<\/p>\n
Ayrien walked away fast. It seemed he\u2019d lost this encounter this time.<\/p>\n
***<\/p>\n
Working at the coffee shop wasn\u2019t terrible. Kai had had worse jobs, lost to his temper, and better. It had an inevitable rush of people in mornings, afternoon, and around dinner as people needed their coffee fixes, but so long as he got the orders right and quickly, his customer service was less important than it had been at his job as a waiter or at the college help desk. He\u2019d had the job a bit over half a year, the longest stint he\u2019d held onto a job to date, and he was loath to lose a job that was so accommodating toward his school schedule and occasional personality quirks.<\/p>\n
That was in part why he knew without a doubt that he had to be on his best behavior on the rare occasions Ayrien showed up.<\/p>\n
Like today.<\/p>\n
Which thankfully\u2014or not thankfully, Kai wasn\u2019t sure\u2014was not during the rush hours. No, there were only two or three people milling around trying to decide what they would order or if they wanted one of the giant muffins in the display case to distract Kai from Ayrien strolling through the front door like he owned the place. Glen was at his side which could be a good thing or a neutral thing, but probably not a bad thing since Glen occasionally stomped on Ayrien\u2019s worst moments. Ayrien saw him at the counter and grinned. He gave a flippant wave as he stepped into line. This was not what he wanted from eight thirty on a Saturday morning.<\/p>\n
Kai glanced over his shoulder at his coworker Alyssa. She looked back, neither accepting nor outright refusing his silent plea to swap places so she could deal with customers and let Kai make the coffee. She raised an eyebrow. He raised one back. She wasn\u2019t going to trade, probably because he still owed her from a few weeks ago when Ayrien last showed up and Kai had managed to spill coffee all over the countertop. He turned back to the customers.<\/p>\n
There was a mix of dread and anticipation as Kai made quick work of the other people in the line, their orders straightforward and taking only half his attention to plug into the register and ring up. He couldn\u2019t quite raise his usual anger. Maybe because of the way they parted last time, or maybe because he was too busy wishing he could dive under the counter just to avoid it all. That only lasted until Ayrien leaned on the countertop though, irritation at the presumption flooding through him. The damnable smirk was at eye level when he leaned like that.<\/p>\n
\u201cWhat are you getting?\u201d Kai asked, as close to neutral as he could get his voice to go.<\/p>\n
\u201cHmm, that\u2019s a good question,\u201d Ayrien said. He leaned a bit more on the counter to crane his neck at the boards like he always did. As usual it made Kai\u2019s eye twitch at the invasion of space and the show of it because Ayrien came here often enough that he had to know what was available by now. Kai breathed in through his nose, out through his mouth. Repeated it. It didn\u2019t help much. If anything, he was now aware that Ayrien had a body wash that smelled like citrus.<\/p>\n
Ayrien tapped a finger on his lips as he mouthed different order names. And now Kai was staring at that finger feeling his blood pressure rising because that simple action drew Kai\u2019s attention to places he usually ignored. \u201cWell?\u201d Kai asked as the seconds ticked on and his irritation grew. Alyssa was watching like this was her weekend entertainment. Some friend she was.<\/p>\n
\u201cEh, I\u2019ll go with…\u201d He trailed off. Kai\u2019s finger hovered over the register. Just finish the damn order!<\/i> \u201cA double shot mocha with extra chocolate, milk, and whipped cream on top. Skim milk, not whole, and make it a frozen drink actually.\u201d Kai opened his mouth to sarcastically ask if there was anything else he wanted with that, but Ayrien cut him off with, \u201cActually, add a shot of peppermint flavor to it.\u201d<\/p>\n
Kai scowled. Ayrien leaned just that bit more so he was directing that smirk up at Kai instead of down, eyes half lidded and so so smug. Kai stabbed buttons like they were Ayrien\u2019s eyes. \u201cDouble shot mint mocha, extra chocolate and milk, skim milk, frozen with whipped cream,\u201d Kai repeated. \u201cAnything else.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cA small black coffee and a cinnamon muffin,\u201d Glen said. He was on his phone again today, not bothering to give either of them more attention than peripherally. Kai was so glad<\/i> that he was bored by them. No, actually, it was better than Alyssa\u2019s grin lurking behind the espresso machine as she got started on…Glen\u2019s coffee. She was going to make him make Ayrien\u2019s mess of a drink. Kai didn\u2019t owe her anything after this.<\/p>\n
He rang Ayrien up, scowling to himself, and all but tossed the change in Ayrien\u2019s direction. Alyssa patted him on the shoulder as she passed with Glen\u2019s coffee to get the muffin from the case. Ayrien\u2019s eyes followed him through the steps of making that frozen coffee, from adding the espresso and flavorings to jabbing the blender button with extreme prejudice. The grating roar of ice being crushed into miniscule pieces wasn\u2019t enough to block out the itchy feeling between his shoulders of being watched. Kai put the least amount of whipped cream he could get away with on top of everything and stomped back to the counter.<\/p>\n
Ayrien took the coffee with a serene, overly done, pleased expression that couldn\u2019t be more put on if he tried. He sipped it, staring Kai in the eyes. \u201cNot bad. A bit too much mint.\u201d<\/p>\n
Instead of the fuck you and your stupid mint<\/i> that Kai wanted to say, he just said, \u201cYou have whipped cream on your nose.\u201d He didn\u2019t; it was on the corners of his upper lip, but Kai took pleasure in how Ayrien immediately swiped a hand over his nose like the vain person he was. No one went to the trouble of buying high end distressed clothing and cultivating a purposely scruffy look the way Ayrien did if they weren\u2019t vain.<\/p>\n
\u201cNext time I\u2019ll have to get you to do latte art,\u201d Ayrien said.<\/p>\n
\u201cNext time you\u2019ll have to come up with a reasonable order,\u201d Kai said before stalking away to clean up the blender. Was it rude? Yes. Was it worth the chance of getting reprimanded for? The flash of disgruntlement on Ayrien\u2019s face ranked up there in things Kai\u2019d risk a lecture for.<\/p>\n
\u201cHave a nice day!\u201d Alyssa called, now playing up the customer service. That and she genuinely found it funny whenever Ayrien bothered Kai. The sadist.<\/p>\n
It was surprising that they were leaving though. They normally hung around at least a little bit. Scrubbing at the inside of the blender pitcher, Kai craned his neck to watch them go. He looked just in time to see Ayrien swap cups with Glen and drink hot black coffee with no discernable distaste at all. The blender clattered into the bottom of the sink. That bastard. That bastard had been coming in for months, ordering up complicated, overly sweet monstrosities. And he liked freaking plain black coffee. What the actual fuck.<\/p>\n
\u201cYou okay in there?\u201d Alyssa asked, waving a hand in front of his eyes. \u201cYou have your murder face on again.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cNext time he comes in I am spilling hot coffee all over him,\u201d Kai said.<\/p>\n
\u201cAh, just a delayed reaction today. Okay.\u201d<\/p>\n
He attacked the blender with new vigor. Come the next yoga class he was going to have Words with Ayrien. Perhaps something more physical than words. Replaying the memory of Ayrien going down from the last time Kai punched him gave him the energy to finish off his work shift. Kai all but sailed out of the coffee shop, plotting exactly what he\u2019d say to Ayrien\u2019s stupid face when they next were in a room together.<\/p>\n
***<\/p>\n
\u201cI\u2019m going to start charging you for therapy,\u201d Leif said. He wished he had his computer as a distraction from this conversation. Instead he was crammed on the couch with his three sisters using him as a convenient foot and head rest as Kai paced on the other end of the room, muttering to himself.<\/p>\n
\u201cI have a therapist already,\u201d Kai said, breaking off his rambling to answer.<\/p>\n
\u201cA therapist you stopped seeing two years ago.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI have the tools, I can use them.\u201d<\/p>\n
Leif rolled his eyes. He winced when Ember dug her elbow into his side. She made a sideways nod toward Kai. Kai was still steadily wearing down the floorboards in the corner. Leif raised an eyebrow back. He wasn\u2019t getting paid for this. Gale was also looking at him. River was still on her cell phone at least or he\u2019d have a foot to the gut to go with Ember\u2019s elbow. He sighed.<\/p>\n
\u201cLet me guess, there was another chapter opened in your grand conspiracy of Ayrien being out to get you.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cIt\u2019s not a conspiracy if it\u2019s true!\u201d Kai said.<\/p>\n
\u201cMm.\u201d He squirmed to dislodge his sisters and got that kick anyway. Ow. \u201cKai.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWhat?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cKai.\u201d Leif made him stop pacing. Kai was all but vibrating with energy and irritation. \u201cWhat tools should you be using right now?\u201d<\/p>\n
He got an uncomprehending blink and scowl combo.<\/p>\n
\u201cTherapy, Kai. I was joking about being your therapist, but you\u2019re tunnel-visioning again.\u201d<\/p>\n
A frown instead of a scowl and Kai shifted back and forth in place like he\u2019d still be pacing if Leif didn\u2019t have a hand on him. For a second it looked like the anger might turn target on Leif as the nearest person, but Kai took a breath and let it out slowly.<\/p>\n
\u201cBreathe, relax, restructure, take a break.\u201d Kai breathed again. \u201cVisualize humorous scenarios, communicate, change routines to reduce the issue if necessary.\u201d<\/p>\n
Leif nodded. \u201cGood. You have a list. What have you tried?\u201d<\/p>\n
Kai\u2019s lips pressed together. He looked to the side. \u201cRestructuring. Communicating…ish. Technically relaxing, but he\u2019s crashing my relaxing activities, so it\u2019s not really relaxing anymore.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cIt might be time to change routines.\u201d There was subtle and there was blunt, Leif knew, and Kai was not someone subtle worked with most of the time.<\/p>\n
Instant backlash, protest clearly on the tip of Kai\u2019s tongue as he looked up again. Leif waited for the protests, the rant about Ayrien winning. He got silence and a look of frustration instead.<\/p>\n
\u201cOkay,\u201d he said. \u201cYou clearly don\u2019t want to do that. It might be a good time to try and think through why. Write out a list or something. And it can\u2019t just be gut reactions and that he\u2019d \u2018win\u2019 this…whatever it is going on here.\u201d He glanced at his sisters. Ember gave him a thumbs up. He grimaced in her direction.<\/p>\n
A huff of breath informed him that Kai was less than pleased with him as well.<\/p>\n
Leif held up both hands in mock surrender. \u201cI\u2019m not your therapist as you said, just saying that it\u2019s been awhile since you were this…\u201d Distracted? Upset? Neither quite fit what Leif was seeing. \u201c…like this over anything. And the last time you were really mad at Ayrien ended with you punching him and changing your schedule around.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cHe\u2019s been ordering the wrong coffee,\u201d Kai said like an explanation and a plea. Maybe it was both considering he never said straight what had him mad this time.<\/p>\n
\u201cIs it worth losing sleep over?\u201d<\/p>\n
Kai sighed. Maybe, just maybe, this time he\u2019d listen to Leif\u2019s suggestions. Leif could only hope. \u201cI\u2019ll try to be less…\u201d He waved a hand.<\/p>\n
Leif patted his shoulder. \u201cGreat.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cHey Kai,\u201d Ember called across the room. \u201cIf you\u2019re feeling calmer, want to go out to dinner with us?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cSo we\u2019ve decided on dinner?\u201d Gale asked.<\/p>\n
\u201cI call sushi,\u201d River said.<\/p>\n
\u201cYou always call sushi.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cSushi\u2019s good.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cCraving anything?\u201d Leif asked Kai.<\/p>\n
\u201cMeat,\u201d he said. \u201cSomething that isn\u2019t noodles or instant meals.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cSo…the hibachi-sushi place,\u201d River said.<\/p>\n
\u201cI wanted Mexican,\u201d Ember said.<\/p>\n
\u201cNext time.\u201d<\/p>\n
Not for the first time, Leif reminded himself that he was glad he\u2019d gotten a different roommate rather than rooming with his sisters in a quad. He loved them dearly, but they\u2019d have driven each other insane if they lived in each other\u2019s pockets for four more years. He\u2019d take Kai\u2019s issues over the personality clashes his sisters had on the regular. Kai looked a bit more grounded in reality with them there though. It was only when Leif\u2019s sisters were around that he remembered that Kai was the youngest of four kids as well.<\/p>\n
***<\/p>\n
Yoga came with the best intentions. Kai had journaled, meditated\u2014well, tried to meditate. Meditation was a pain and he\u2019d never really got the knack unlike the rest of his siblings\u2014and reminded himself of all the things he was supposed to do to keep anger from getting the best of him. These things all worked with his day-to-day life. It kept the little irritations from spiraling into big ones and kept him from lashing out at loved ones or random bystanders. As Kai watched Ayrien arrive and felt the curl of indignation bubble up again, he was reminded that these techniques had never helped much when it came to Ayrien. He either burst through Kai\u2019s calm, pulling it apart strand by strand, or Kai would let it drop willingly because Ayrien was someone that losing that control around wouldn\u2019t scare him away. And perhaps Ayrien was right. Kai did like getting angry at him. It felt like righteous anger because Ayrien usually intentionally provoked it.<\/p>\n
It was more than that, though, like Ayrien drew him in and repelled him with equal measure, a flip-flopping magnet aimed in Kai\u2019s direction in the most aggravating way. It was so often Kai losing his control that it was tempting to turn the tables and have it go the other way. It was addictive to focus on someone so intently and have that focus turned back in return. And it was funny how he could hate someone and would miss him if he were to vanish. He was starting to wonder if he had been defining hate wrong all these years because surely it should mean he\u2019d be glad if Ayrien got hit by a bus tomorrow. The thought made him want to punch a bus instead and that was a weird impulse even for him.<\/p>\n
Normally Kai tried to stay far away from Ayrien or keep him behind him and out of sight during yoga. All the better to reach for that internal peace he was supposed to be working at. Instead he went with a mat a row back and two down, close enough that he could watch every move Ayrien made.<\/p>\n
It was a stupid choice and he knew it. Kai did it anyway.<\/p>\n
Who the hell even was Ayrien under all that posturing? Some rich wannabe who slummed it in cutoffs that probably cost more than Kai\u2019s whole outfit put together, unironically perching sunglasses on his head to hold hair out of his eyes. Someone who almost never smiled and meant it, or when he did mean it, it was almost always mocking. Someone who probably had worse tunnel vision than Kai since he\u2019d figured out Kai\u2019s schedule and worked his way into it. Someone who took a punch to the face and smiled for real and got compliments and smiled falsely.<\/p>\n
It added up to who the fuck knew. An even more tangled mess of impressions and contrariness that prickled the wrong way. As Ayrien twisted with yoga moves, catching Kai\u2019s eye with a wink, only the most recent revelation stuck in his mind. Ayrien was a guy who\u2019d buy expensive, complicated, sweet<\/i> coffee just to annoy Kai but preferred black coffee.<\/p>\n
And Kai couldn\u2019t let that go unaddressed.<\/p>\n
Class ended, and Kai acted. He was peripherally aware of their instructor watching and Glen off to the side. He let Ayrien take one long swallow from his water bottle before he grabbed his arm and dragged him out the door. Ayrien sputtered and spilled water down his front. Kai didn\u2019t have a destination in mind, just somewhere away and private because he was trying not to cause a scene for once. The bathroom ended up being the closest choice and had a locking door.<\/p>\n
The lock slid shut with a weight that Kai felt in his bones.<\/p>\n
Ayrien didn\u2019t seem to sense the same magnitude of the action because he pulled his arm free and capped his water. It was a bit late for that; more than half its contents were either spilled on Ayrien or the floor. \u201cWow, have you finally decided to murder me?\u201d he joked.<\/p>\n
Kai turned on him, eyes narrowed into slits. \u201cYou.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI?\u201d<\/p>\n
The sheer nonchalance was insulting. As usual, Ayrien ignored all of Kai\u2019s warning signs and all but waved a red flag in his direction. Kai took a breath. He was not going to punch Ayrien. He was going to make his point very clear.<\/i> Kai advanced, and Ayrien actually retreated, backing step for step until he hit the wall. His eyes were wide though the smile hadn\u2019t left his face, lit with something that still wasn\u2019t panic despite the situation.<\/p>\n
\u201cYou are an asshole. No, that\u2019s too generous. You\u2019re a shit stain on a square of toilet paper flushed down to the troll king\u2019s sewers. Months. Months<\/i> you come into my goddamn work and pull shit and you drink. Black. Coffee<\/i>.\u201d Kai punctuated the words with three sharp jabs of his finger to Ayrien\u2019s sternum.<\/p>\n
Ayrien laughed. \u201cThat\u2019s what you\u2019re angry about? The coffee?\u201d<\/p>\n
He wasn\u2019t even trying to deny it. \u201cYes!\u201d Kai growled. \u201cNo!\u201d That was and wasn\u2019t the issue. \u201cI\u2019m angry because you barge into every bit of my life outside my home. I hate how you act like you think you\u2019re better than me just because you don\u2019t get angry as fuck over anything I say. I hate how you wear fucking expensive shit and treat it like crap! I hate your stupid smirk and how you get away with shaving only once a week! I\u2019m angry because this is all some sick game to you! I hate how there never seems to be consequences for your asshole ways!\u201d Kai took a breath, aware on some level that he was shouting and up in Ayrien\u2019s face, hands gripped tight in his shirt. \u201cI hate how all you have to do is walk in a damn room and you\u2019re all I fucking think about!\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cJust walk into a room?\u201d Ayrien asked. He sounded out of breath, most likely from being shoved into the wall from the force of Kai\u2019s grip. He was still smirking.<\/i> \u201cI\u2019m not trying hard enough then.\u201d<\/p>\n
Words tripped on Kai\u2019s tongue, trying to form as he saw red. \u201cYou\u2014I could just! Fucking\u2014!\u201dHe tried to break out of that headspace, breathe, focus on his senses instead of his emotions and thoughts. But the first thing he smelled was Ayrien\u2019s citrus shampoo and sweat, the first thing he felt was the soft cotton shirt in his grip and the warmth of Ayrien\u2019s body, the first things he heard were the rasps of their breaths mingling together, and he could only see gray-green eyes, a smirk, and dusty blond hair sticking to the side of Ayrien\u2019s face. With all his other senses already full of Ayrien, it only made sense for taste to be as well. Words failing completely, Kai bit him. On the mouth.<\/p>\n
Ayrien jerked beneath him, a small sound escaping him as Kai\u2019s teeth sunk into his lip. It wasn\u2019t a hard enough bite to bleed, not quite, but it couldn\u2019t be comfortable. Ayrien tasted awful too, like stale breath and sweat from his upper lip. He tried to pull back, but Kai tightened his grip, a snarl of frustration rising from his throat with nowhere else for the emotions to go. Ayrien shuddered and didn\u2019t fight back at all.<\/p>\n
Kai pulled back and tried to breathe, but that was hard to do when Ayrien was finally shaken from his control. He was dazed and a bit disheveled and bracing his arms against the wall as if they and Kai\u2019s grip on his shirt were all that was keeping him upright. It should have been validating or something, but Kai couldn\u2019t feel like he\u2019d finally won when this Ayrien had his attention just as acutely as smug Ayrien ever did. More so, even, as he couldn\u2019t look away from the red tooth impressions on his lips or how Ayrien bracing himself only put him in fuller body contact with Kai. Or how he couldn\u2019t tear his eyes away either.<\/p>\n
\u201cFuck.\u201d Kai wanted to laugh or cry or punch something, but he settled for biting Ayrien again, hard along his jaw. Ayrien\u2019s breath hitched, his heart beating fast under Kai\u2019s lips and fist. \u201cDammit,\u201d Kai said like he\u2019d dropped a plate rather than thrown his control and sanity out the window. His teeth scraped against Ayrien\u2019s stubbly throat.<\/p>\n
A sound vibrated against his lips, from Ayrien, not him, then, \u201cMoser.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWhat?\u201d His teeth never left the surface of Ayrien\u2019s skin and he felt Ayrien swallow hard enough that his throat clicked.<\/p>\n
\u201cWhat. What is this exactly?\u201d<\/p>\n
Kai laughed, one sharp burst and hid his face in Ayrien\u2019s collar bone. \u201cI have no fucking idea.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cBecause where I\u2019m standing it feels like you\u2019re trying to eat my face off,\u201d Ayrien said in a parody of his usual controlled voice, just a bit too breathy to be normal. \u201cNewsflash, that\u2019s not how you kiss.\u201d The combined impulses to kick him and protest that it hadn\u2019t been a kiss rose in Kai\u2019s gut. \u201cOr did no one tell you that you\u2019re supposed to use your lips instead of teeth? Because that was one of the worst kisses I\u2019ve ever\u2014\u201d<\/p>\n
Fuck him,<\/i> Kai thought. He\u2019d damn well show Ayrien what the hell a proper kiss was. Ayrien\u2019s words were swallowed, pursued by lips and tongue to their source, chasing them from every bit of Ayrien\u2019s mouth that Kai could manage. Ayrien\u2019s words lied but his body didn\u2019t. His words threw criticism, but his body surrendered into it, meeting him and trying to keep up with the onslaught. Kai scraped teeth over bruised lips and felt Ayrien struggle for breath and composure. They pressed together, chest to toe, with Kai still pinning Ayrien willingly there. Fuck Ayrien. Kai would rip away every last shred of his goddamn control and finally wipe away that superior look in Ayrien\u2019s eyes. He\u2019d take Ayrien to pieces and leave him marked for every last time he\u2019d sent Kai over the edge.<\/p>\n
Kai released one fist from Ayrien\u2019s shirt and thrust it down between them. Ayrien\u2019s words lied, but his body didn\u2019t. Kai had him literally by the balls at this second and Ayrien was hard as could be, straining away in his stupid overpriced cutoffs.<\/p>\n
Ayrien\u2019s eyes were huge, just black pupil ringed with a narrow band of color. He licked his lips. He was still thinking, still holding on to that stupid control and superiority complex and already reforming that smirk. \u201cToo much for you or are you\u2014ah!\u201d<\/p>\n
Kai squeezed and released. That…wasn\u2019t pain on Ayrien\u2019s face, or not much. It figured he was just as fucked up as Kai was, just in a different way than Kai\u2019d figured. He undid the annoying European button fly and could swear that Ayrien almost looked relieved for a second there.<\/p>\n
\u201cHaving second thoughts?\u201d Ayrien asked when Kai let his hand linger for a moment without continuing.<\/p>\n
Kai snorted and dropped to his knees. He yanked Ayrien\u2019s pants down with him. The shock on Ayrien\u2019s face was worth everything. He reached up and caught Ayrien by the balls again. An honest to god whimper came from his mouth. Kai smirked. He could see Ayrien trying to pull everything together, but he didn\u2019t let him have the chance. One hand on Ayrien\u2019s hip, the other still between his legs, Kai leaned forward until he took the tip of his dick in his mouth.<\/p>\n
Salty from sweat, and really, sweat was mostly what he could smell too. Kai looked up through half lidded eyes as he slid his mouth forward, lips tight around Ayrien\u2019s girth. Ayrien\u2019s mouth was open like he went to speak and had forgotten hallway through. His legs shook against Kai\u2019s forearms and his hands still clutched the wall for dear life. The sight felt like victory, heady and intoxicating to his eyes. He slid still further, then had to turn his attention away from the rapid rise and fall of Ayrien\u2019s chest to the more intimate bits of him at hand. It had been a few years since he last did this. Thankfully it wasn\u2019t hard to fall into again.<\/p>\n
Kai alternated between suction and light licks to the head, taking pleasure in how he could feel Ayrien\u2019s control breaking bit by bit with each rapid heartbeat or additional tremor to his legs. He was almost entirely silent, and that also felt like a victory. Words were Ayrien\u2019s weapon and for once he\u2019d finally shut up<\/i>. His hand shifted its grip on Ayrien\u2019s hip, digging hard into the flesh there to bruise, leaving crescent shapes of his fingernails in evenly spaced divots.<\/p>\n
\u201cThis,\u201d Ayrien said, tried to say, his voice wrecked like he\u2019d been shouting instead of holding sound in. \u201cThis. You.\u201d<\/p>\n
Not good enough. He wanted Ayrien to forget his own name instead of always messing up Kai\u2019s. He wanted him broken.<\/i> Kai pulled back, teeth scraping against sensitive flesh. Ayrien choked on nothing, head thunking back against the wall. Kai left sharp, stinging bites\u2014small red rings of tooth marks that would darken to bruises on the seam of his thigh and up along his hip. He gripped Ayrien by the balls and felt him shudder like he was falling apart and felt vicious satisfaction.<\/p>\n
He dove back onto Ayrien\u2019s dick, taking him in as deep as he dared and set a brutal pace, lips tight with suction. Above him Ayrien cried out, broken and stifled halfway through by one arm covering his face. His legs final gave out and Kai had to let go of Ayrien\u2019s balls to slam his hips against the wall and slow his descent down.<\/p>\n
It couldn\u2019t be long now, not with the way Ayrien\u2019s dick was twitching or the increase in bitterness in Kai\u2019s mouth. Not with the way breaths came shaking from Ayrien\u2019s chest. The hand not stifling Ayrien\u2019s voice fumbled against Kai\u2019s shoulder\u2014to push or pull, it wasn\u2019t clear, and moments later Ayrien was coming. He curled around Kai, clutching him like Kai was the anchor of the universe in that moment.<\/p>\n
The nasty taste of Ayrien\u2019s come filled his mouth. He almost pulled back, but he kept up his efforts until Ayrien choked on a sob, shaking hard and definitely pushing at Kai\u2019s shoulder this time as the stimulation crested the point of pleasure to too much.<\/p>\n
Kai pulled back, breathing almost as hard as Ayrien was breathing, to take in the moment. Sprawled against a tiny bathroom\u2019s tile floor and painted wall, Ayrien couldn\u2019t be further from his usual fa\u00e7ade if he tried. His hair was wild around his head, half-pulled from the tail he usually kept it in from the slide down the wall. Kai\u2019s bite marks covered his neck and jaw and hips and left Kai with a heady rush of dark pleasure as he palmed himself through his yoga pants, for once glad of their stretch. There were bite marks that didn\u2019t belong to Kai on Ayrien\u2019s right arm.<\/p>\n
It only took three tight strokes from his own hand before he came all over the floor and a part of Ayrien\u2019s bare leg. He contemplated the mess as he came down from his high. Kai\u2019s body felt like it was buzzing, but the ache of his knees and jaw were starting to come through the high already. He tucked himself away and shifted off his knees.<\/p>\n
When he lifted his gaze, Ayrien stared back, eyes unreadable. They both licked their lips. Kai fixated on the bruises left by that first biting kiss. Ayrien opened his mouth.<\/p>\n
He was cut off by a firm knock on the door. \u201cOkay, it\u2019s been twenty minutes since you two locked yourselves in here. Ayrien, did he kill you or are you still breathing? I really don\u2019t want to have to call the police for this.\u201d<\/p>\n
Glen. Kai looked at Ayrien. Ayrien looked back. All the pleased, angrily satisfied feelings in Kai\u2019s gut dropped like a meteorite. His face must have reflected this because Ayrien\u2019s expression shifted into concern, an emotion so foreign on him that Kai could think he was imagining it. The bruises forming on his knees said it was real. He almost ran his hands through his hair, remembering at last moment that one had a bit of semen on it. He wiped it on Ayrien\u2019s cut offs where they were still tangled around one ankle.<\/p>\n
The knock came again. \u201cGuys? I was joking, but now I\u2019m actually getting worried.\u201d<\/p>\n
Ayrien cleared his throat to get words out, still locked onto Kai with a frown. Kai didn\u2019t give him a chance to come up with some excuse or another; he got to his feet and half ran for the door. He shoved past Glen, not sticking around to find out what sort of reaction he\u2019d have. If he walked fast enough, maybe no one would notice what he\u2019d just been doing.<\/p>\n
Fuck.<\/p>\n
Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuckity fuck. Angry Kai did not make rational decisions. Angry Kai was an idiot. Kai couldn\u2019t even blame this on Ayrien as much as he wanted to. It wasn\u2019t Ayrien that kissed (bit) first. It <\/i>was Ayrien that goaded him to keep going.<\/i> Nope. Nope, not thinking about that. Kai laughed hysterically to himself, walking as fast as he could down the street. He\u2019d forgotten his water bottle and yoga mat. He was lucky he had his wallet and bus pass in his jacket.<\/p>\n
His legs burned. His knees throbbed. Kai didn\u2019t stop walking until he reached his apartment, even though it took twice as long to walk than take the bus.<\/p>\n
***<\/p>\n
It took three tries to open his eyes, two more seconds to focus on anything, and even then it was only to watch with dazed interest as Kai came all over his leg. Ayrien\u2019s head was ringing, so tangled up with feeling he wasn\u2019t sure where to start with it all. This had all been… unexpected. Caught him flat footed and unprepared and like something right out of one of his naughtier daydreams, like Kai had seen right into the worst bits of Ayrien\u2019s imagination. Kai was flushed, breathing hard and hair a bit tousled, sweat clinging to his face and neck. Lips red. Ayrien licked his lips reflexively and saw Kai mirror him, eyes filling with something that made Ayrien shiver inside. Holy shit.<\/p>\n
Ayrien opened his mouth to say that out loud because it was a sentiment worth speaking. Instead, Glen\u2019s voice came through the door, words that filtered in one ear and out the other. The predatory, possessive look in Kai\u2019s eyes was gone faster than Ayrien could blink. He went so pale he was almost green.<\/p>\n
\u201cGuys? I was joking but now I\u2019m getting worried,\u201d Glen said outside the door.<\/p>\n
It was a struggle to try and pull words together, to try and form sentences when his brain still felt like mush. Ayrien frowned, trying anyway, as Kai looked briefly like he was going to faint dead away. Instead, before Ayrien could even get a word out, Kai slapped his hand against Ayrien\u2019s shorts and bolted to his feet.<\/p>\n
\u201cWhat are you…?\u201d Ayrien croaked, but the door to the bathroom was shoved open and Kai was running out of it. He glimpsed Glen\u2019s shocked expression before the door swung back shut.<\/p>\n
There was a distinct, distressed gut feeling that if Kai ran off now, Ayrien might never talk to him again.<\/p>\n
Ayrien swore under his breath. His shorts caught around his knees as he tried to struggle back into them. The bathroom door opened again, then slammed.<\/p>\n
\u201cJesus, fuck,\u201d Glen muttered, presenting Ayrien with his back.<\/p>\n
\u201cLike this is the worst thing you\u2019ve seen,\u201d Ayrien shot back, mouth finally working. His shorts finally settled over his hips properly. They were stained and didn\u2019t hide the rising bruises on his thighs very well.<\/p>\n
\u201cWhat the hell is going on?\u201d Glen asked the wall.<\/p>\n
\u201cExactly what it looks like.\u201d A handful of paper towels and a bit of water and, hey, water stain was better than cum stain and would dry faster. \u201cShit.\u201d Ayrien caught sight of himself in the mirror. There were tooth marks on his neck. Shit. There was no passing this off as anything other than what had happened. \u201cWhat did Moser look like when he ran past?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cLike he was on the edge of a panic attack,\u201d Glen said. \u201cAyrien, what the hell?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI don\u2019t know. He was fighting, and I goaded him, then he kissed me and… I kind of goaded him to keep going?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cThat\u2019s one way of dealing with that tension you two always have,\u201d Glen muttered. He turned around, judging it safe enough to look. \u201cWhat are you doing?\u201d he asked as Ayrien frantically tried to fix his hair into less of a mess.<\/p>\n
\u201cTrying to look less like I had had sex against a bathroom wall so I can go after him,\u201d Ayrien shot back. \u201cI can\u2019t just leave things like that.\u201d He caught Glen\u2019s eye in the mirror, frowning.<\/p>\n
\u201cHuh. You actually have a crush. You legitimately like him.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cDidn\u2019t we go over this just the other day?\u201d Ayrien scrubbed at his pants with a dry paper towel to absorb at least some of the wetness. \u201cI know you think I\u2019m not capable of that sort of thing but\u2014\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYou\u2019re twisting my words from back then. I said you were emotionally stunted, not that you can\u2019t feel.\u201d<\/p>\n
The reminder of their argument a few years back hung unpleasantly between them, not quite as buried and forgotten as they liked to pretend it was. Ayrien did what he always did when he didn\u2019t want to think about something and changed the subject. \u201cOn a scale of one to ten, how bad would it be to show up at his apartment?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cDo you know his apartment?\u201d Glen asked.<\/p>\n
\u201cNo, but fifteen minutes of internet surfing and I could figure it out. Between him and his roommate, it\u2019s not that hard to find.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI\u2019d rate that a seven or eight. Even worse if you managed to get there before him.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cDo you have any other ideas?\u201d Ayrien snapped. \u201cBecause he has had a considerable amount of time to have a head start, and it\u2019d be pretty pointless to go aimlessly running off down the road hoping to find him.\u201d<\/p>\n
Glen grimaced. \u201cPhone call?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYes, because that isn\u2019t something that can be easily ignored until he works himself into a full panic and runs away forever,\u201d Ayrien said, sarcasm sharp on his tongue. The situation was…frustrating. He\u2019d been shoved into an endorphin high in a matter of minutes and left with an equally abrupt crash; it wasn\u2019t Glen\u2019s fault he knocked at a bad time, but Ayrien couldn\u2019t help but feel irritated because of it. Ayrien balled up damp paper towels and tossed them in the trash. That was about the best he could do for his appearance. He flicked out his phone and typed in a name one-handed. \u201cMoser has a minimal online presence, but his roommate is the exact opposite. They have a landline in their apartment for business reasons\u2014Leif Chaudrhi uses it as his secondary phone line for the coding projects he runs. Now, if I look up that phone number and follow it back to the address it\u2019s connected with…\u201d He had accounts with places that sold personal information for his investigative work. He felt a tiny sliver of guilt in using those accounts for this, but there had been something in Kai’s expression… \u201cAnd there you go. An address. And it took me more like five minutes, not fifteen.\u201d<\/p>\n
Glen gave him a pinched face look of resignation. He\u2019d seen Ayrien\u2019s determined face too many times to bother trying to argue him out of the plan.<\/p>\n
Ayrien met the look unflinchingly. \u201cI don\u2019t want a few minutes messing around in a bathroom to ruin years of interactions.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cAyrien,\u201d Glen said, \u201che hates<\/i> you. I highly doubt having sex with him changed that.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cOf course it didn\u2019t.\u201d Ayrien memorized the address, plotting a course for it in his mind as he tucked his phone away. \u201cI would never expect it to.\u201d It wasn\u2019t just hate there though. It wasn\u2019t just buried lust either. Ayrien had more than a bit of experience with both of those things being tossed in his direction, and whatever was going on with Kai, it wasn\u2019t so simple. On either end. He frowned, mentally pushing away the mess of emotions. He didn’t like<\/i> caring. Somehow he’d ended up caring anyway despite his initial intention to keep Kai as one more person he messed with and moved on.<\/p>\n
\u201cDon\u2019t get hurt,\u201d Glen said with a sigh. \u201cOr arrested,\u201d he added probably seeing this ending in a restraining order or something.<\/p>\n
God, it had better not end like that. Ayrien waved a hand in Glen\u2019s direction, refusing to acknowledge his concerns. It was nice to have someone that cared, but it was also a pain sometimes. \u201cTake care of my yoga stuff, will you?\u201d Ayrien tossed over his shoulder. He shoved the bathroom door open.<\/p>\n
\u201cI\u2019m not your servant,\u201d Glen said after him. He was resigned though, so it meant he\u2019d do it and probably not hold it against Ayrien. Glen was always soft to emotion.<\/p>\n
Ayrien set off from the yoga studio. If there were any stares at his damp pants or rising bruises on his thighs, he determinedly didn\u2019t notice them at all.<\/p>\n
***<\/p>\n
Kai didn\u2019t know if he was in a state of shock or a state of abject depression, sitting on the apartment couch staring at the ceiling and feeling hollow and blank at last rather than the tumult that had burned through him in his walk back. His thighs ached and his knees were bruising up, but the physical discomfort was as distant as the emotions at the moment. His old therapist would tell him that these things weren\u2019t good things, but his old therapist had had a midlife crisis and left to find herself so Kai figured it wasn\u2019t that bad so long as he wasn\u2019t explosively unstable at the moment. He kind of liked the emptiness. It was like the eye of a hurricane. Unfortunately that meant it would pass and everything would rush back in again and he\u2019d actually have to deal with the things he was feeling instead of existing apart from them for a bit.<\/p>\n
Leif was out. One of Leif\u2019s sisters had left a bunch of leftover Chinese carryout containers in the fridge that Kai was welcome to if he felt hungry. Kai didn\u2019t think he\u2019d be feeling much of anything for the rest of the night. He had homework he was supposed to be doing. His limbs might as well have been made of lead weights for all he could get them to move.<\/p>\n
It took a while for the knock on the apartment door to register through the blank muteness of everything. When it did, Kai stared at the door for a solid thirty seconds, lacking comprehension.<\/p>\n
The knock came again, maybe the second time, or maybe the fourth for all Kai knew. A sharp, staccato rapping for three or four beats.<\/p>\n
He forced heavy limbs onto the floor and stood up. Everything protested. All the little aches and pains came rushing back and Kai groaned. \u201cWhat?\u201d he said flatly, pulling the door open an inch.<\/p>\n
Ayrien was on the other side. Kai slammed the door, adrenaline spiking again and burning through the haze of emptiness with a sudden resurgence of panic.<\/p>\n
\u201cWow, I didn\u2019t even get a word in,\u201d Ayrien\u2019s muffled voice said on the other side of the door. \u201cThis is already going worse than expected.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cHow did you get here?\u201d Kai asked.<\/p>\n
An even more muffled, \u201cI tracked your roommate\u2019s landline,\u201d came through. \u201cThough I could have looked you up,\u201d was almost unintelligible.<\/p>\n
Kai\u2019s heart beat like it would race through his chest and away from all his problems. Why, why<\/i> did Ayrien have to follow? He was a good twenty minutes behind Kai too. What had he done in the meantime? Did he also walk here?<\/p>\n
\u201cWe need to talk,\u201d Ayrien said.<\/p>\n
\u201cNo we don\u2019t!\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cReally. We don\u2019t need to address how you sucked me off in\u2014\u201d<\/p>\n
Kai wrestled the door open, red faced, to get him to stop blurting out embarrassing things in a public hallway. Ayrien stopped talking the moment the door was open, revealing that he\u2019d said it just to get a response. \u201cShut up, Ayrien,\u201d Kai said through gritted teeth.<\/p>\n
Ayrien was still in the clothes from earlier though he\u2019d cleaned up some. It didn\u2019t hide what had happened though. He had hands shoved in the pockets of his cutoffs, a would-be casual slouch that could have been real except that Kai could see his hands clenching and unclenching in those pockets. \u201cTalk?\u201d Ayrien said, an eyebrow raised pointedly.<\/p>\n
Kai growled in the back of his throat and dragged Ayrien through the doorway. He slammed the door and locked it behind them for good measure. When he whirled to face Ayrien, he found Ayrien glancing around the apartment, lingering on little things littered around the space. It felt invasive and a little surreal. \u201cTalk fast,\u201d he said.<\/p>\n
\u201cWell,\u201d Ayrien said, looking too calm and comfortable in Kai\u2019s apartment, it wasn\u2019t fair<\/i>, \u201cI wanted to ask if you\u2019re ok first off. You kind of ran out looking like the world was ending.<\/p>\n
\u201cDo I look okay to you?\u201d<\/p>\n
Ayrien gave him a once over that was so obvious it was weird because usually Ayrien tried to be subtle with that kind of thing. \u201cTo be blunt, you look like shit and like you might have a meltdown at any moment.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWell what a coincidence, that\u2019s about how I feel too.\u201d Kai ran a hand through his hair. It was probably already a mess between his freak out and then laying on the couch. \u201cI don\u2019t do this sort of thing. I\u2019m not someone who does bathroom hookups. I don\u2019t do hate sex either, but here we are!\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201c…So you\u2019re upset it was out of character for how you see yourself?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cAnd because it was you!\u201d Kai threw his arms up and out like he was throwing all his problems into the mix. Ayrien was still too calm, standing with his arms crossed and stupid tooth marks still on his jaw and his hair all neat like usual just….! The worst part of it was that Kai still wanted to kiss him and it was all so confusing. He hid his face in his hands. If he couldn\u2019t see Ayrien for a bit, maybe that would help. \u201cThink of it from my perspective; all I ever want to do is smack you and suddenly I\u2019m kissing you instead.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cIt was pretty nice kissing,\u201d Ayrien said.<\/p>\n
\u201cI bit you in the fucking face.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cLike I said, nice.\u201d<\/p>\n
There was something, Kai decided, extremely wrong with Ayrien.<\/p>\n
\u201cIf it helps,\u201d Ayrien said, \u201cI wouldn\u2019t have minded kissing you at any point in our acquaintanceship.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI\u2019m not sure that that does help,\u201d Kai said. He rubbed at his temple with one hand, feeling a headache coming on from all the emotional ups and downs and whatnot. He was tired. Very tired and would really rather go back to that not-feeling quiet state of emptiness. At least there the heaviness was already present instead of lingering at the edges and slowly dragging on his reserves. \u201cIt just makes me question every interaction and wonder how much all of this is just you being a schoolyard stereotype.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI don\u2019t poke at you because I like you\u2014well, I do a bit, but it\u2019s mostly because it can be fun, not because it\u2019s attractive. Although when you\u2019re really annoyed it can be.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI don\u2019t want to hear your kinks right now.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cMaybe another time.\u201d<\/p>\n
It was so…presumptive that Kai couldn\u2019t help feeling sheer disbelief at his gall. He stared Ayrien down and Ayrien shrugged, though he grimaced a bit like he really wasn’t as comfortable as he looked.<\/p>\n
\u201cI don\u2019t have much to lose at the moment, might as well put it all out there. You\u2019re troubled by us having sex. Okay. I can respect that even if it\u2019s not something I share. I liked what happened. Kind of blew my mind because I was not expecting things to go there.\u201d Ayrien shrugged again. \u201cBut.\u201d He pursed his lips, eyes going far away for a moment for the first time clearly introspective rather than giving Kai all his attention. \u201cBut I don\u2019t like that it upset you, because what the hell is the point of having sex if both people don\u2019t have a good time before, during and after?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI kind of figured you\u2019d be one of those people who were just glad to get off and think no further,\u201d Kai mumbled.<\/p>\n
\u201cOh, I like that kind of sex too. But if you\u2019re going to have no-strings sex, for me at least it\u2019d be with people I haven\u2019t known for years and I don\u2019t already have a complicated relationship with.\u201d Ayrien leaned forward. \u201cIf you wanted no strings, I\u2019d say ok in a heartbeat. But you just said that\u2019s not your thing. Would you rather I just leave you alone and cut contact?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cNo!\u201d Kai blurted before he could even finish the thought of Ayrien never being around again. Considering Kai had been planning to avoid Ayrien indefinitely on his way home, the idea of Ayrien removing himself from Kai\u2019s life filled him with a lot more horror than it should. Ayrien sat presumptively on the couch looking pleased.<\/p>\n
\u201cGood, because I don\u2019t really want that either.\u201d Ayrien patted the couch next to him, inviting Kai to sit. Kai frowned. Ayrien waited, his smile and raised eyebrow a conscious challenge. Kai sat reluctantly, putting as much distance between them as the couch allowed. He didn’t trust his self control or impulses at the moment. \u201cSo. Since you don\u2019t want casual and you don\u2019t want to go our separate ways, that leaves the question of what do you want? The way I see it, we can pretend nothing happened and go on with life. Or… we hope we don\u2019t kill each other and see where it takes us.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWhere what takes us?\u201d Kai asked.<\/p>\n
\u201cA relationship,\u201d Ayrien said. \u201cSpecifically a romantic one. Ish. I\u2019m not really a romantic person, I\u2019ll admit.\u201d<\/p>\n
Kai stared. \u201cAyrien, you don\u2019t do relationships. You barely even do friends. Or do you have any other friends besides Glen?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI don\u2019t do them, no,\u201d Ayrien said ignoring Kai\u2019s jab, \u201cbut you do.\u201d He pursed his lips and it struck Kai that Ayrien was trying to actually be sincere. Getting him to be straightforward was usually pulling teeth, but he wasn\u2019t pulling out their usual banter, he was trying to actually make things right between them. It left Kai feeling off balance as Ayrien continued. \u201cI don\u2019t know how well it would work, and like I said, we could just bring the worst out of each other and end up pretty much killing each other. Hopefully not literally. But. Yeah. Willing to give it a shot if you are.\u201d<\/p>\n
It was ridiculous. Absurd. Kai should be laughing at the absurdity. Instead he looked Ayrien in his damnably bright gray-green eyes and felt his stomach twisting with something that might have been apprehension and might have been hope. He really couldn’t trust his impulses right now.<\/p>\n
\u201cIt would be really stupid to say yes,\u201d Kai said.<\/p>\n
Ayrien winced. \u201cYeah, too much to hope that-\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cBut.\u201d Kai cut him off. \u201cBut…God, I know I\u2019ll probably do something stupid like get angry and kiss you again anyway if we pretend nothing happened.\u201d He hugged his legs. \u201cI don\u2019t…. I hate you but I don\u2019t want you to leave me alone and it doesn\u2019t really make much sense in my head. I really don\u2019t like how you show up everywhere\u2014really don\u2019t like how you showed up here\u2014too stalkerish and that\u2019s not okay, not even remotely okay. Don\u2019t ever do that again.\u201d<\/p>\n
Ayrien blinked slowly, like that made more sense to him than it did to Kai even though the words were coming out of Kai\u2019s mouth. When Ayrien showed up like that or knew things he shouldn\u2019t it reminded Kai of that guy that stalked his sister Wisteria, and that reminded him of other bad memories, and yeah, that put him on the defensive even before Ayrien opened his mouth.<\/p>\n
\u201cOh,” Ayrien said. “I…is it better or worse that the only time I intentionally found any of that out was your address to talk now? I didn\u2019t know what yoga class you switched to, I just switched to one that was open for my schedule. I didn\u2019t know you would be taking the same art class, and I didn\u2019t know you worked at the coffee shop when I first went in there. I\u2019ll admit I went back hoping you\u2019d be there a lot of times though. I\u2019m actually not trying to be like that with you. Part of it is I just compile information on people unconsciously. Though I do stalk people professionally sometimes as it kind of comes with the whole private investigating business… Which I probably should mention is my job…\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cJust let me know if you\u2019re going to be somewhere I\u2019m at from now on,\u201d Kai said. He didn\u2019t know if it would be a problem or not. He\u2019d find out, he supposed.<\/p>\n
Ayrien nodded. \u201cI\u2019m…sorry for making you uncomfortable.\u201d His face scrunched up like apologizing for anything was extremely uncomfortable for him.<\/p>\n
Kai snorted. \u201cDon\u2019t hurt yourself.\u201d He looked away for a moment and sighed. “I don’t think I am comfortable with dating you either though.”<\/p>\n
He wasn’t imagining the flash of disappointment on Ayrien’s face. For someone who said he didn’t do relationships, that seemed to be the result he was most hoping for. It was almost funny in a stupid kind of way that after years of knowing him and months of being annoyed, this was the most open and laid bare he’d seen Ayrien ever be. He wasn’t hiding or putting on airs at all.<\/p>\n
It took a moment, but Ayrien nodded with acceptance. “Okay. What do you want?”<\/p>\n
Kai thought about it. A life without Ayrien would be going to school, yoga, work, painting, sitting in the living room with Leif or taking a weekend to visit Gramps and help him weed his garden. There wouldn’t be the worry of losing control in a public place on a regular basis. It’d also be boring as hell, and as much as he occasionally crashed from post-Ayrien outbursts, Kai was aware that all those little outbursts also acted as an outlet for all the little things that built up in his life. He hated that it was all on Ayrien’s terms, not necessarily the back and forth itself. Ayrien was an ass and like hell was Kai going to ignore that. He pushed back when someone pushed him. The few times Ayrien backed off because Kai made him retreat felt like winning an unspoken challenge. But as they were now, even attempting a romantic relationship would be like sitting on a bomb and pretending it wouldn’t go off. They didn’t have the foundation, the lack of animosity, to keep it from going off even if they did throw sex in to lessen the tension between them. And right now Kai’s emotions weren’t exactly romantic anyway.<\/p>\n
“I wish life had a reset button,” Kai muttered, only half meaning it.<\/p>\n
Ayrien sat straighter. “Huh.”<\/p>\n
“What?”<\/p>\n
“I should have thought of that sooner.” Kai frowned at him. “Reset,” Ayrien said. “Everything’s a mess so…” He held out a hand. Kai looked from it back up at Ayrien’s serious expression. “Hi. I’m Ayrien Gray. I’m a private investigator and hobby artist. I like people watching and mystery novels.”<\/p>\n
“You’re joking,” Kai said. Ayrien raised one eyebrow, hand still held out for a handshake. Kai took it and laughed disbelievingly. “Fine. Hi. I’m Kai Mosura. I’m a history major. I like reading about conspiracy theories and cryptids.” Ayrien’s eyes flicked around the room, probably piecing together Kai’s connections to posters and other belongings in the room. “This feels ridiculous.”<\/p>\n
Ayrien shook his hand and let go. He’d kept an abnormally respectful observation of Kai’s personal space the whole time since he got there. One more thing Kai wasn’t sure how to take. “Well, the first step to starting over is a proper introduction, right?” Ayrien shrugged. “So, now we’ve introduced ourselves properly. Drawn up a blank slate, if you will.”<\/p>\n
“To do what with?”<\/p>\n
“To go wherever it goes from here,” Ayrien said.<\/p>\n
Kai frowned at him skeptically. “Ayrien, if you’re just going to jump into annoying me again once you think I’m no longer freaking out, then this whole blank slate bullshit is pointless. We both know that pretending nothing happened isn’t going to work. Something needs to change, and that change needs to be you.”<\/p>\n
Ayrien’s expression went unnervingly blank for a moment. Kai braced himself for Ayrien’s doubletalk and avoidance of the issue. Instead, Ayrien’s brow creased in frustration. “I’m aware. I’m not sure how.”<\/p>\n
“Don’t do things expressly to annoy me all the time,” Kai said. “Talk to me less like I’m a puzzle to pull apart and more like I’m a person you want to know.”<\/p>\n
“You make it sound easy,” Ayrien said.<\/p>\n
Kai snorted. “Change? Isn’t easy. It’s hard as fuck but if you actually give two shits, you do it. You screw up, you apologize, you try again and you get better at it. I did it. But I didn’t do it until I fell out of touch with most of my family, got expelled, and got deep in debt for putting someone in the hospital. I’m still picking up the pieces. But if you really want to change, you shut up and do it.”<\/p>\n
Ayrien looked at him with new understanding. It was uncomfortable, like he could see more than what Kai intended to share. He nodded slowly. “Okay. I’ll try. Just… give me hell if I relapse. That’s what Glen always does.”<\/p>\n
“…I’m starting to get the impression that there’s a lot of unspoken issues between you two.”<\/p>\n
“You don’t know the half of it,” Ayrien said with a tiny, lopsided smile. It didn’t have a trace of smugness or mocking in the expression at all. Kai stared and had the realization that this was the longest they’d talked to each other without getting into a fight. Maybe there was something in starting over after all.<\/p>\n
The silenced stretched on, an uncomfortable uncertainty of what to do next hanging over them.<\/p>\n
“So,” Ayrien said, breaking it, “aliens?” He nodded to one of Kai’s posters.<\/p>\n
Kai didn’t know what Ayrien did with his free time, but apparently whatever it was had left a giant X-Files shaped gap on his education. That, Kai supposed, was a good of a place as any to reset their interactions with.<\/p>\n
When Leif returned a few hours later, he walked in on X-Files playing on Kai’s laptop and Kai half-heartedly trying to smother Ayrien with a pillow because it was just his luck that Ayrien was one of those people who couldn’t shut up and watch a TV show without commenting on everything. Kai had to defend his favorite show’s value. That night he learned Ayrien had a really ridiculous sounding laugh when he laughed for real.<\/p>\n
Kai refused to let that revelation make him soft. Ayrien had a long way to go to convince him he was sincere.<\/p>\n
***<\/p>\n
Glen fiddled with an app on his phone, twirling a virtual pot of plants around and around in circles as he waited for Kai\u2019s work shift to end. Ayrien didn\u2019t know he was here. Ayrien would probably be annoyed when he found out, but likely not angry. For a man that loved to incite anger in others, he rarely seemed to reach it himself. Inside, Kai exchanged jokes with a female coworker. Glen had seen her before, but didn\u2019t come often enough to have a name to go with her face. There was a coil of uneasiness in Glen\u2019s stomach that indicated that this was overstepping, but he knew if he didn\u2019t say something he\u2019d regret it.<\/p>\n
The phone\u2019s screen went dark and vanished into Glen\u2019s pocket as Kai headed for the door. There was a pause between one step and another when he caught sight of Glen, the smile on his face dimming.<\/p>\n
\u201cHello,\u201d Glen said.<\/p>\n
\u201cHi.\u201d Kai paused just outside the door. Glen jerked his head, indicating they could walk together. With some hesitation, Kai did. \u201cI can honestly say I\u2019ve never seen you without Ayrien,\u201d Kai said as they fell in step together, Kai a step and a half behind Glen on his right. \u201cYou\u2019re like his shadow.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cMm. Contrary to appearances, we both have our own lives. He is my oldest friend though.\u201d Glen paused. \u201cAnd I\u2019m one of his only friends,\u201d he added a few steps later.<\/p>\n
\u201cOkay?\u201d Kai Moser had always reminded Glen a bit of a skittish cat. Around Ayrien, he was usually puffed up and ready to lash out, but now he was more like one of the strays Glen\u2019s upstairs neighbor fed; wary but hopeful that there would be a good end to an interaction rather than a foot coming his way. \u201cIs this some kind of intervention?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cNot at all.\u201d It was not surprising that\u2019s where his mind jumped to though. They sidestepped a bicycle rider and a man leading a large, fluffy dog. \u201cI thought I should check in to see that you know what you\u2019re getting into.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWow,\u201d Kai said, sounding a bit irritated at Glen, though not anywhere near the level he showed Ayrien on a daily basis. \u201cAs usual, everyone doesn’t seem to think I can make my own decisions.\u201d<\/p>\n
Glen waited his irritation out, but Kai didn\u2019t add more. \u201cThat isn\u2019t what I meant. You know Ayrien by now, or at least how he can be toward you at his worst. If you think you can handle him like that, then that\u2019s fine.\u201d They were heading forward aimlessly, though it was the road Kai took when he came to and from work. It was a neighborhood Glen didn\u2019t frequent and he trusted that Kai would lead if they went off track. Now, Kai was still that step behind with a small frown clouding his expression. Over a month since Ayrien declared they’d ‘started over’ and so far Ayrien’s behavior toward Kai had changed a lot. Kai’s had changed in response as well, and Glen wasn’t quite sure what to make of it all still.<\/p>\n
\u201cPeople think he\u2019ll change for them,\u201d Glen said, blunt. \u201cBecome a whole new person entirely. He won\u2019t. How he is to individuals might change, but it’ll take more than me or you to ever get him to change toward the world at large. Even if you date him, he\u2019ll still be an asshole. He\u2019ll forget your birthday and pout like a toddler if you forget his. He\u2019ll point out the flaws in things you create and pick apart things you enjoy. He\u2019ll refuse to use your name and pick at your vulnerabilities because to some extent he can\u2019t help it. He\u2019ll always push you away while not letting go and every vulnerability you get from him will be like trying to tear teeth from a crocodile.\u201d Glen had spent years to reach the equal footing and openness he had with Ayrien now. Ayrien might have found someone else he wanted to be open with, a bond he wanted to hold onto instead of break before it could form, but that didn’t make years of self-defensive and self-destructive habits go away.<\/p>\n
\u201cI don\u2019t expect him to be a new person,\u201d Kai muttered. \u201cHe’s still an asshole now, just… that’s not all he is anymore. He’s a whole person not just someone trying to get on my nerves.\u201d<\/p>\n
Good. Glen breathed a small sigh of relief.<\/p>\n
\u201cAnd what the heck,\u201d Kai said, speeding up so he\u2019s a step ahead of Glen and frowning back at him. \u201cAre you guys even friends? What kind of friend says that?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYes,\u201d Glen said, \u201cwe are.\u201d He smiled thinly. \u201cAyrien\u2019s an ass, a bit of a sadist, manipulative, and about as open as a lockbox. But.\u201d He had Kai\u2019s full attention now. \u201cHe will also tear down people who try to break you, remember the oddest details about what you like at the oddest times, will never miss a meeting, and always keeps his promises. He doesn\u2019t seem it, but he\u2019s hard working and resilient and stubborn. I wouldn\u2019t call him a good person, but I wouldn\u2019t call him a bad one either.\u201d<\/p>\n
Kai narrowed his eyes, waiting for something to trip him up the way Ayrien laid traps in conversations, but Glen wasn\u2019t Ayrien. Glen kept walking as Kai rubbed his forehead and sighed. \u201cI really don\u2019t get you two. Is he a friend or an enemy?\u201d It seemed to be a rhetorical question since Kai followed with a much more serious, \u201cAre you in love with him then? You’re weirdly defensive of him and he actually uses your first name.\u201d<\/p>\n
It was a question he\u2019d heard a hundred times and no longer felt like a punch anymore. Glen could only laugh now. \u201cHell no, not romantically.\u201d He shook his head. \u201cBeen there, done that, no way I\u2019d walk down that road again. Loving Ayrien is an exercise in frustration and I get enough of that in my day to day life without it.\u201d<\/p>\n
Kai looked bemused. \u201cHe laughed when I asked him that too.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cHe would,\u201d Glen said blandly. \u201cHe<\/i> never thought about me that way.\u201d It wouldn\u2019t have been a healthy relationship anyway, and Glen knew that he wanted more from a relationship than Ayrien would have been able to give him. \u201cAnyway, don\u2019t hesitate to let him know when he\u2019s pushing too hard. He never stops pressing some button, but he tends to respect when something\u2019s a touchy subject.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cHe\u2019s always been like that then?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cNot always,\u201d Glen said, a slow tilt to his head. They passed a woman playing a guitar on a street corner, his feet automatically falling in time with the song for as long as it is within earshot. \u201cNot when he was younger and… He changed for me once and I changed too. I doubt it\u2019s the kind of big change you\u2019re thinking of though. He still can take my presence for granted or that I\u2019ll agree to whatever he\u2019s planning as a given. I call him out on it though and he actually listens if I don\u2019t agree with his plans. He seeks me out instead of the other way around. It was a compromise.\u201d<\/p>\n
Kai hummed. He fell back a step again. It would be interesting to see if he and Ayrien actually managed a friendship–or a relationship. It was hardly love between them, but Ayrien wouldn\u2019t have fallen for someone who looked at him tenderly either. Kai had stuck around this long. Either things would work out and he\u2019d stay longer, or they\u2019d explode and Glen would help Ayrien pick up the pieces. He\u2019d just had to be sure that Kai wasn\u2019t one of the people who thought a budding romantic feelings would wipe away Ayrien\u2019s personality flaws. The real world didn\u2019t work like a romance novel. Love didn\u2019t make people change. Only the person themself could do that.<\/p>\n
Glen hoped they\u2019d find some kind of balance. There was less underlying tension between the two of them the last time he saw them together and Ayrien had been happier lately. That was about the best Glen could hope for.<\/p>\n
\u201cI think,\u201d Glen said, \u201cwe\u2019ll probably be seeing a lot more of each other from now on.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cMost likely.\u201d They stopped for traffic at a crosswalk, and this was as good a place to part as any.<\/p>\n
Glen stuck out a hand. \u201cI hope we can get along. Thank you for clearing up a few of my doubts.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cDoubts?\u201d Kai mouthed, bemused and a little annoyed all over again. He truly did get irritated easily. He shook Glen\u2019s hand a bit too firmly. \u201c…You know that I never was angry with you even if I was angry with Ayrien, right?\u201d<\/p>\n
Glen shrugged. \u201cThat\u2019s good to know, though I wouldn\u2019t have blamed you. Association is a powerful thing.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201c…Right.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cThis is where we part,\u201d Glen said, nodding at where the crosswalk had changed to walk. \u201cThanks for humoring me.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYou\u2019re welcome?\u201d Kai hesitated a few seconds. \u201cGoodbye?\u201d he said like a question as he made to cross the street.<\/p>\n
Glen waved him on, not moving. Kai went, glancing over his shoulder a few times. He was still heading toward his apartment so far as Glen could tell. Glen had a lot of backtracking to get back to his. He felt a bit more confident that Kai wasn\u2019t going to hurt Ayrien and wouldn\u2019t be hurt badly in return when expectations weren\u2019t met. It seemed like Kai didn\u2019t have much expectations going into this at all which was probably for the best.<\/p>\n
He pulled out his phone again. There was a message from Ayrien on it, a picture of something that under closer examination was some kind of contraption that would cast strange looking shadows and sounds as soon as the light level was low enough. The caption attached to it said \u201csomeone thought they were being cute<\/i>.\u201d Out of habit, Glen filed away the details, discerning that Ayrien had been hired to figure out the cause of some strange noises and shadows and had come away with someone\u2019s idea of a prank as a result. Glen didn\u2019t keep Ayrien\u2019s case files anymore, but old habits died hard even if he was only keeping mental files these days. The first message was quickly followed by one saying \u201cyou could have rigged something better.\u201d<\/i><\/p>\n
Glen smiled. \u201cLet\u2019s make a better one come Halloween,\u201d he sent back.<\/p>\n
He got a smile emoticon in return, as good as an agreement really.<\/p>\n
The phone went back in his pocket and he crossed the road in a different direction than Kai had taken. There were other things to be done today that didn\u2019t involve Ayrien\u2019s presence in Glen\u2019s life at all and now that that had been resolved, Glen was going to go do them.<\/p>\n
***<\/p>\n
If anyone told Kai a year ago that he’d end up on a date with the guy he punched in the face, Kai wouldn’t have gotten angry, just laughed himself silly at how stupid they sounded. But here he was, a year later, six months since the second Yoga Incident, with Ayrien.<\/p>\n
For their first unsupervised (third-wheeled according to Glen) date, everything had gone remarkably well. They ate a meal without it degenerating into poking each other with forks or stealing food, conversation after had been engaging, and it had transitioned seamlessly into making out in Ayrien\u2019s tiny, crappy apartment. It was probably the best mood Kai had ever been in when interacting with Ayrien, all the fluttery intense interested<\/i> emotions and almost none of Kai’s flashbang anger rearing its head. He would never admit it, but he was feeling practically romantic as Ayrien made his way down his body.<\/p>\n
He resisted the urge to fist a hand in Ayrien\u2019s hair and help him along. It felt kind of nice like this, not rushed like the couple of other times they\u2019d messed around. Ayrien\u2019s hair fell loose in dirty-blond strands of gold across his abdomen, ticklish. In his tolerable moments, Ayrien could be called handsome with his hair framing his face and square jaw. Or perhaps pretty with his long eyelashes and kissed-red lips.<\/p>\n
Ayrien slid hands up along the back of Kai\u2019s thighs, holding, feeling, pulling down his underwear to bare him to Ayrien\u2019s lips and teeth and tongue. He was half hard, already firming further with the damp warmth of Ayrien\u2019s breath. Kai hissed breath out between his teeth as Ayrien took him just into his mouth, lips soft and slick around him. He couldn\u2019t help but reach out to brush the curtain of hair away to better see, tucking it behind Ayrien\u2019s ear. It was also apparently the last straw for Ayrien because he pulled back.<\/p>\n
He pushed his hair out of his face and frowned up at Kai. \u201cYou know, I\u2019m not going to break. I think we established that.\u201d<\/p>\n
Kai frowned back, reflexive. \u201cI know you\u2019re not, asshole.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cThen why\u2019re you treating me like glass?\u201d<\/p>\n
Kai mentally retraced their make-out session to now. Yes, he\u2019d been gentler than normal. He\u2019d slowed things down instead of going hard and fast, his good mood making him want to linger and savor. \u201cI guess I\u2019m not annoyed at you for once.\u201d He was getting there though; he\u2019d liked how things were flowing but apparently it wasn\u2019t what Ayrien wanted.<\/p>\n
\u201cYou only play rough when annoyed?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI haven\u2019t really been rough with most people I\u2019ve been with at all.\u201d<\/p>\n
Ayrien grabbed one of Kai\u2019s hands and put it on his head. \u201cWell you can be. Or do I need to annoy you?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI was having such a good night, too,\u201d Kai sighed. Was this something Ayrien enjoyed or something he needed<\/i>? Sometime\u2014sometime when they weren\u2019t in the middle of sex\u2014he would need to clarify that.<\/p>\n
\u201cI could keep trying to find a good nickname for you,\u201d Ayrien said, pressing a soft bite against the soft curve of Kai\u2019s stomach. \u201cSparky.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cReally?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cMm…\u201d He nibbled lower. \u201cFlame?\u201d Another bite. \u201cOr Flare?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWhy is everything fire themed?\u201d It was a never ending battle to get Ayrien to use his first name. Kai shifted his hips, hand tightening on Ayrien\u2019s hair without much thought.<\/p>\n
\u201cFor your lovely, fiery personality of course.\u201d Ayrien paused and snorted, face all but in Kai\u2019s groin. \u201cReally? So banter\u2019s your kink?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cShut up,\u201d Kai groaned. Kai shoved Ayrien\u2019s face where he\u2019d been headed anyway. He was hard from being touched, not the…the teasing or anything like that! Ayrien laughed once more before fitting lips around him again, tighter than before as Kai was a lot harder than he\u2019d been a few minutes ago. He bit his lip as he watched Ayrien dip lower. Felt the slide, the wet, warm softness of his mouth that made his hips twitch and his hand clench tight enough to pull Ayrien\u2019s hair taut against his scalp. Ayrien made a tiny pleased sound around him that vibrated through Kai in the best sort of way. His hands were nothing compared to his mouth and he couldn\u2019t say a damn word with his mouth full.<\/p>\n
Kai tugged at Ayrien\u2019s hair, saw his eyes flutter shut, going still to let Kai control this, the depth the speed. Use him, if he wanted. Kai shivered, caught off guard at how there was trust there that Kai wasn\u2019t sure he deserved. It brought back a bit of the tingly warm feeling from earlier, the vague fondness that was overpowering the irritation more often when they interacted. Ayrien wanted rough and Kai was in the mood for intimate, so Ayrien would get both.<\/p>\n
Both hands caught in Ayrien\u2019s hair, tight with fingers scraping the curve of his skull to grip and pull, thumbs smoothing against Ayrien\u2019s brows in a gentle dichotomy. Kai\u2019s hips rolled up into the warmth, felt the drag of Ayrien\u2019s tongue and the slick drip of saliva when Ayrien couldn\u2019t swallow fast enough. Ayrien\u2019s fingers dug into Kai\u2019s thighs, bruising counterpoint to the pleasure; in that he could understand how there could be pleasure in pain.<\/p>\n
He felt Ayrien choke, once, when he thrust deeper than before and hesitated. Ayrien moaned deep in his throat and Kai swore under his breath as it made his toes curl. He scowled at the face between his legs and Ayrien looked back, pupils blown wide but still so smugly amused that it ticked up Kai\u2019s heart rate from more than arousal. \u201cI swear,\u201d he panted, hips moving shallower again, \u201cif you fucking throw up on my dick, we are never doing this again.\u201d<\/p>\n
Ayrien choked again, and pulled back so he could burst into ugly laughter against Kai\u2019s thighs. Kai kicked him in the hip and he still kept laughing. \u201cGod,\u201d Ayrien giggled, \u201cI promise I won\u2019t, but you should have seen your face.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI hate you.\u201d<\/p>\n
“You always say that.” Ayrien licked a long stripe up the side of Kai\u2019s dick. “I don’t think you mean it.” Kai\u2019s dick jumped, not turned off in the least by Ayrien\u2019s smug face. Traitor. Ayrien tilted his head back into Kai\u2019s hands even though it had to be half ripping his hair out to do so. \u201cGo ahead,\u201d he said, voice husky. \u201cChoke away.\u201d<\/p>\n
Fuck, that should not be as sexy as it was. Kai let his head thump back against the pillows and yanked Ayrien forward again. He stopped thinking and second guessing and chased how it felt, winding the arousal in him tighter and tighter. Ayrien choked again at some point, but Kai could feel him fight past it and swallow, and that\u2014it\u2014<\/p>\n
He lost track of exact motions. He thrust, gripped at smooth, thick hair, reached for that place he was spiraling toward. Ayrien was hair under his fingers, sharp nails biting into Kai\u2019s thighs, aborted sounds and rushed breaths, lips and tongue and throat around him. A low whine built in his chest, escaping out of him as he realized Ayrien was practically nose deep to his pubic hair.<\/p>\n
He felt Ayrien swallow again, hard, and Kai broke. He forgot to be careful as his hips pushed up into that heat one last time. His breath felt punched out of him, heart beating wildly as his body shuddered with aftershocks.<\/p>\n
Ayrien jerked back and away, losing strands of hair to Kai\u2019s grip as he gasped for breath. Kai was dimly aware of his head resting on Kai\u2019s belly as he curled in on himself, chasing his own completion. Two breaths, three, and Kai fumbled to drag Ayrien up for a kiss. Ayrien came from his own hand between them, lip trapped between Kai\u2019s teeth.<\/p>\n
There were tears at the corner of his eyes. Kai wiped them away with his thumbs as Ayrien shook and shivered against him, coming down from the high and reclaiming his breath. They collapsed into a pile together. The sheets tangled lumpily under Kai\u2019s back; he couldn\u2019t remember how they\u2019d gotten rucked up in the first place.<\/p>\n
\u201cOkay?\u201d Kai asked when his breath and heart were mostly back to normal.<\/p>\n
\u201cMm…\u201d Ayrien stirred. He stretched like a cat, lazy and satisfied against Kai\u2019s shoulder. One hand lifted to rub at his neck. \u201cMy throat aches<\/i>,\u201d he said. He sounded rough, like he\u2019d spent an evening shouting instead of getting his face fucked.<\/p>\n
Kai frowned, shifting a bit away. \u201cShit.\u201d He hadn\u2019t meant to be that rough. \u201cIf it bothers you so much, stop me next time or something.\u201d<\/p>\n
Ayrien snorted and propped himself up on Kai\u2019s chest. \u201cWow,\u201d he rasped, \u201cno, did it sound like a complaint? Because it wasn\u2019t.\u201d He smiled all smug and predatorily that Kai almost smacked him away on instinct at having that look directed his way. \u201cI\u2019ll be thinking about tonight every time I notice it.\u201d<\/p>\n
What was Kai supposed to say to that? A part of him liked the thought. That part of him liked how Ayrien\u2019s lips were red and swollen and the bruises Ayrien\u2019s fingers had left against his thighs too. That part of Kai\u2019s brain was moronic and possessive and had the IQ of a cave dweller.<\/p>\n
Ayrien stretched again, this time to reach for his discarded shirt to wipe them both clean. He was surprisingly gentle about it as he had been the few other times he had cleaned up. One more thing Kai didn\u2019t know how to reconcile with or where to place it among his other observations.<\/p>\n
There was no set routine from there though. Kai propped himself on his elbows as Ayrien tossed his shirt somewhere in the direction of his laundry hamper. Last time they did this Kai had been over during the day and they\u2019d cleaned up, talked a bit, and he\u2019d left. The time before that, he\u2019d left almost as soon as the afterglow had gone, not wanting to push his luck on the off chance that sex would change their fragile new dynamic. The atmosphere was different this time though, and, well, Kai didn\u2019t feel like moving.<\/p>\n
Ayrien settled back against Kai\u2019s side, head resting against Kai\u2019s shoulder even though he was the taller of the two of them. It left his feet dangling off the edge of the bed like a dork. Ayrien shifted to get comfortable, glancing at Kai sidelong. \u201cSo…staying the night?\u201d<\/p>\n
Kai opened his mouth, closed it. He probably shouldn\u2019t get too comfortable. But. Ayrien was warm and the bed was stupidly comfortable for a mess of a bed that Ayrien kept piled with too many blankets and pillows. And Ayrien had asked, more or less directly, when it was always pulling teeth with him. Kai thought that perhaps Ayrien wanted<\/i> him to stay. All reservations crumbled at that possibility. \u201cSure,\u201d Kai said.<\/p>\n
Ayrien nodded, all casual like this wasn\u2019t the first time Kai would be staying over. \u201cNice. In bed with me or would you rather the couch?\u201d<\/p>\n
Ayrien\u2019s couch was an overstuffed giant thing that he swore was something his parents had planned to donate when they got a new one, something about being too worn. It was a bit worn, but Kai had a feeling it was since Ayrien got ahold of it, faint paint stains on the armrests and pizza grease in places. A couple of holes in a cushion from dropping an exacto knife on it. It also had a giant, hideous painting behind it that was supposed to be\u2014according to Ayrien\u2014a portrait of Glen. A joke gift that had been left behind when Glen got his real one.<\/p>\n
Glen had to have the patience of a saint some days. If Ayrien had tried to give him that, Kai wouldn\u2019t have been able to be polite about how much he didn\u2019t want it.<\/p>\n
\u201cBed,\u201d Kai decided on finally. \u201cSo long as you don\u2019t mind the possibility of being kicked out.\u201d Kai was a restless sleeper at the best of times.<\/p>\n
\u201cI\u2019m a blanket thief so it will all work out.\u201d<\/p>\n
This was probably the worst idea ever. They\u2019d probably wake up in the middle of the night and end up arguing over who had more blankets. Still… Ayrien seemed almost giddy under his nonchalance. For someone who said he didn\u2019t really do romance or intimacy, he seemed to be happy that Kai was choosing to stay. It was a bit cute. Sex did weird things to Kai\u2019s brain if he was finding Ayrien of all people cute, but what the hell, here he was and he wasn\u2019t moving. Might as well embrace one more insanity among all the others.<\/p>\n
\u201cI can\u2019t sleep in too late tomorrow,\u201d Kai murmured. Now that he\u2019d decided to stay, it was surprisingly easy to feel sleepy and content.<\/p>\n
\u201cI have a morning appointment,\u201d Ayrien said. \u201cIf you don\u2019t wake when I do, I\u2019ll kick you out of bed before I leave.\u201d He paused. \u201cKitten.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWas that your new attempt at a nickname?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI\u2019m running out of ideas, you\u2019ve shot too many down. I\u2019m moving on to animals.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYou could just use my name<\/i>.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI don\u2019t use names casually,\u201d Ayrien complained, \u201cI told you that.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYou use Glen\u2019s name.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cGlen is always the exception.\u201d<\/p>\n
Why Ayrien never dated Glen despite all the exceptions in his many rules for interacting with people was a mystery. Or maybe not a mystery if Glen had laughed the question on their relationship off.<\/p>\n
“You use my last name, so is it that hard to use my first?”<\/p>\n
\u201cI\u2019ll use it when I\u2019m being serious or if we\u2019re in bed,\u201d Ayrien said a minute or so later. \u201cHappy?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cIt\u2019ll do.\u201d Kai prodded him in the side. \u201cWe\u2019re in bed now…\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI mean during sex, nightingale.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cUgh. I think I prefer kitten.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cMy mouse, my seal, my cute caribou\u2014oo!\u201d<\/p>\n
Kai kicked him off the bed. Ayrien laughed the obnoxious cackle he had when he was laughing for real instead of putting on a mask. Kai wrapped himself up in a few of the many blankets and put his back to Ayrien giggling on the floor. \u201cI\u2019m stealing the bed. You can have the couch.\u201d Kai still wasn\u2019t angry at him and only the slightest bit annoyed. He\u2019d transcended to another plane of existence where Ayrien didn\u2019t make him want to punch him for being a shit at all. Weird.<\/p>\n
\u201cKai<\/i>,\u201d Ayrien complained. He used his name though. Kai hid a smile of his own in one of Ayrien\u2019s obnoxious real-feather pillows. He didn\u2019t kick Ayrien out again when he crawled under the blankets to join him.<\/p>\n
Read this piece’s entry on the Shousetsu Bang*Bang wiki.<\/a><\/p>\n