{"id":6688,"date":"2017-06-20T10:06:22","date_gmt":"2017-06-20T14:06:22","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/shousetsubangbang.com\/mirror\/?p=6688"},"modified":"2017-06-20T10:06:22","modified_gmt":"2017-06-20T14:06:22","slug":"still-love-after","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.shousetsubangbang.com\/mirror\/still-love-after\/","title":{"rendered":"Still Love After"},"content":{"rendered":"
\n
by aohime (\u9752\u59eb)<\/p>\n

The soft press of lips is grounding, centering amid the scents of stale sweat and remnants of chemical cleaner. Suhayl touches rough cloth, under to smooth skin damp from the heat. \u00c9tienne gasps, arching closer, head tilted up to catch Suhayl\u2019s lips in his own, hand pulling Suhayl down to his level. The disadvantage of almost a head\u2019s difference of height.<\/p>\n

The dim light brings \u00c9tienne\u2019s sun-bleached hair to a shade closer to its natural brown. There isn\u2019t the time to savor the feeling of it between his fingers or to strip out of uniform to touch skin and see it contrasted with his own. He wants, but want is all they can do at the moment. \u00c9tienne works Suhayl\u2019s belt open, breaking the kiss with a soft French swear Suhayl is starting to recognize, to look at what his hands are doing. \u201cIt is too complicated,\u201d he complains, in English, always in English when they are like this because it is the only language they can still think to communicate with in these moments, the only one in which they are both fluent.<\/p>\n

Suhayl laughs. \u00c9tienne\u2019s forehead presses against his chest as their hands free their arousals. There are faint dust motes in the air, lit from dim sunbeams, and there is sweat on \u00c9tienne\u2019s neck. \u201cIt is only complicated because you are excited.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cOf course.\u201d Rough hands\u2014rough from forever washing them\u2014pull Suhayl free. He sighs, leaning for another kiss. \u00c9tienne meets him halfway. \u201cHow could I not be?\u201d he says against Suhayl\u2019s lips. Soft sounds slip between his lips when Suhayl touches him in return. There is the ever present wonder of how he would sound if it wasn\u2019t in a stolen moment like this, if they could take things slowly and enjoy each other fully. Whenever that chance occurs, Suhayl will take full advantage of the desires he has stored up from moments like this.<\/p>\n

Their hands move just out of synch with each other, Suhayl a beat slower in his strokes because he wants this to last even though he knows it can\u2019t. \u00c9tienne breathes fast against him, hips rocking up into Suhayl\u2019s touch. It is quiet desperation. Soft gasps. Slick sounds of lips and mouths and hands. The rub of cloth on cloth. Suhayl drifts in it, lost in the bubble of the moment and sensation. He is taller, broader, than \u00c9tienne, but he is the one pinned by a kiss. He is the one who leans back against the wall to remain standing. He is the one struggling to keep his voice in check and his breaths as breaths only.<\/p>\n

\u201cSuhayl,\u201d \u00c9tienne says. \u201cSuhayl, come for me.\u201d His fingers twist in the upstroke, almost too much against sensitive skin. \u00c9tienne rubs under the head with his thumb, once, twice, but it is the feeling of his breath and the press of his lips to Suhayl\u2019s neck that are Suhayl\u2019s undoing.<\/p>\n

His knees wobble before firming, his body all but curled around \u00c9tienne\u2019s. He rests his head back against the wall and watches through shuttered eyes as \u00c9tienne twists higher, higher, then breaks. Suhayl works him through the aftershocks, pressing soft kisses across his face and neck. Each kiss is a declaration, an \u2018I love you,<\/i>\u2019 that he can\u2019t bring himself to say yet.<\/p>\n

o*O*o<\/p>\n

\u201cWow, you\u2019re big,\u201d a man says in English.<\/p>\n

Suhayl looks up from his meal, because it is always him those words are directed at, and because it\u2019s not common to hear English between members of the Israeli Defense Force. The man is fair skinned with sun burn across the bridge of his nose, stiff in the way that people still unused to uniform often are. The pin on his beret marks him as part of the medical brigade.<\/p>\n

The man waves a hand in greeting, then hastily mutters a quick, \u201cShalom.\u201d The man clears his throat. \u201cCan I sit here?\u201d he asks in halting Hebrew.<\/p>\n

Suhayl slides to the side, offering a bit more space. \u201cGo ahead.\u201d<\/p>\n

He gets a smile in response. Most people don\u2019t smile at Suhayl until they get to know him. Many still don\u2019t smile after that because a man two meters tall with mixed heritage tended to attract more negative attention than positive regardless of personality.<\/p>\n

\u201c\u00c9tienne Duval,\u201d the man says, holding out a hand.<\/p>\n

\u201cSuhayl al-Madhoun.\u201d He shakes the hand and goes back to his meal.<\/p>\n

Duval takes two mouthfuls of his own meal before talking again. \u201cIs it always this hot here?\u201d In English.<\/p>\n

\u201cNo,\u201d Suhayl answers in the same language. He\u2019s grateful for the tourists he practiced on growing up. It isn\u2019t his most fluent language, but he is clearly more fluent in it than Duval is in Hebrew. \u201cIt will get hotter before it gets colder though.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI was afraid you would say that. It was so much cooler back home.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cHome was where?\u201d Or no, \u201cWhere are you from?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cNorthern France. Parlez-vous fran\u00e7ais<\/i>?\u201d Suhayl waits for clarification. At the nonresponse, Duval sighs. \u201cI thought not. No one seems to speak it.\u201d<\/p>\n

Ah. \u201cHebrew is the national language,\u201d Suhayl said. \u201cEnglish is also taught in most schools, but French is one most people would have to learn on their own.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI don\u2019t suppose you know anyone interested in learning? I would gladly exchange French lessons for more Hebrew.\u201d<\/p>\n

Of all the room full of people Duval could have sat next to, he chose Suhayl, who has made languages a hobby. It\u2019s fateful enough that Suhayl has to laugh. Duval stares. Suhayl thinks for a moment he is intimidated, but there\u2019s something else in his stare, and it isn\u2019t intimidation. \u201cYou have asked the right person,\u201d Suhayl says, still smiling. \u201cI would love to learn what you can teach me, and I will gladly share in return, Duval.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201c\u00c9tienne, please.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201c\u00c9tienne, then.\u201d<\/p>\n

The meal passes much faster with company and conversation. It\u2019s the best meal Suhayl has had since he left home.<\/p>\n

o*O*o<\/p>\n

If someone had told him five years ago that he would spend three days a week at a public library in America, Suhayl wouldn\u2019t have believed them. But at twenty-six, Suhayl was a very different person than he had been at twenty one. At twenty-one he had still been in his compulsory military service, feeling torn between national loyalty and what that meant to him, and then reeling with the loss of his lover. At twenty-six he was halfway through his medical undergrad program, living in a tiny one room apartment in New York, and no closer to feeling sure about his life choices than he had been at twenty-one.<\/p>\n

There were hundreds of people that came and went at the library on any given day, any one of them who could have been in the exact same position as Suhayl, struggling with medical school concepts over cups of horrible, bitter coffee, and feeling relieved every morning that it was another morning that he didn\u2019t have to hold a gun in his hands. Suhayl had a pattern to his life now, a pattern of his own choosing which was both freeing and terrifying in its freedom. He had class, a part time job for a few hours, then hours spent abusing the library\u2019s light, heat, and table space next to other people who had lives and things to do just like he did.<\/p>\n

There was a particular regular that showed up on Tuesdays and Thursdays. Or, Suhayl should say, he was always there those days when Suhayl got there and was there presumably until closing, since Suhayl left a half hour before then. He had scraggly black hair that he tied back half the time, carried a seemingly bottomless cup of coffee, and was always at a laptop with headphones plugged in. He also had sunglasses on at all times.<\/p>\n

It took a few weeks to realize this was because the man was blind, not just a fashion choice.<\/p>\n

At any rate, he was someone Suhayl didn\u2019t mind sharing a table with. He kept to his own space and didn\u2019t have loud phone conversations that broke Suhayl\u2019s concentration like some of the other people who shared a table did. The only time his presence did distract Suhayl was due to Suhayl\u2019s tired brain wondering what the man\u2019s life was like outside of typing at a laptop and drinking large amounts of coffee in a public library. Or wondering what his face looked like when the overlarge sunglasses weren\u2019t blocking it.<\/p>\n

It was one of those days today. Suhayl tried to read his organic chemistry text, but it was one of those days where his brain refused to untangle complicated English terms. He found himself watching his table partner instead. The man had a sharp face, Suhayl thought, all angles and narrow features. Thin lips, thin nose, sharp chin and cheekbones. He typed three times faster than Suhayl could ever manage, only pausing to sip at the giant coffee cup at his elbow.<\/p>\n

Maybe he was an author. That was why he was never parted from his computer. Or maybe he was researching. Or perhaps he wasn\u2019t a student and he did work with computers. Coding or something else that went over Suhayl\u2019s head.<\/p>\n

It was fascinating how despite how much liquid the man drank, he never seemed to have to make trips to the restroom like Suhayl did.<\/p>\n

\u201cYou\u2019ve been staring a lot lately,\u201d the man said suddenly, the first words he had ever spoken to Suhayl as he hadn\u2019t even verbally given permission back when Suhayl first asked to share a table weeks, or maybe months ago. The man unhooked the headphones from his ear, not turning toward Suhayl. \u201cAnd yes, before you ask, I can tell. I\u2019m not totally blind. You\u2019re this blurry brown shape out of the corner of my eye, and I can sort of tell if your head\u2019s pointed toward your book or not.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cApologies,\u201d Suhayl said after a moment. \u201cI was not trying to be rude.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cIt doesn\u2019t bother me,\u201d the man said. \u201cJust curious. You sit at this table even when other ones are open.\u201d<\/p>\n

Suhayl blinked, realizing this was true. He hadn\u2019t thought about the habit; somehow this table had become \u2018his\u2019 spot. \u201cI do not mind sharing a table with you.\u201d<\/p>\n

The man snorted. \u201cYeah, after the third time you sat next to me, I kind of figured. After the tenth time, I guessed you just wanted company.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI did not put that much thought into it.\u201d It was a little funny to spend weeks sitting next to each other two days a week and not interact though. \u201cAlthough I suppose I have enjoyed sharing the space.\u201d After living with three younger siblings, then in military housing, his little apartment was rather lonely.<\/p>\n

\u201cYou\u2019re not a bad table buddy,\u201d the man said. He stretched and plopped his headphones on the table. \u201cI\u2019m about out of coffee, want me to grab you one while I get a refill?\u201d<\/p>\n

Suhayl, not sure what to make of the offer, politely declined. \u201cI am afraid I am not too fond of American coffee regardless.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cReally? I thought they were doing pretty good here. A step above chain stores.\u201d<\/p>\n

Suhayl smiled. \u201cI would offer to share some proper coffee, but I would need a stove to make it.\u201d<\/p>\n

The man made an intrigued sound. \u201cI\u2019ll have to keep that on a to experience list then. I\u2019m Cecilio, by the way,\u201d he said as he picked up the cane he kept folded under his seat. \u201cIf I come back and find my laptop stolen, I will be so pissed, so don\u2019t do it.\u201d<\/p>\n

Suhayl laughed. \u201cI promise it will be where you left it.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cIt better,\u201d Cecilio said with an answering grin. \u201cI got my eye on you.\u201d<\/p>\n

Suhayl stifled laughter into his chemistry book for a lot longer than he would willingly admit.<\/p>\n

o*O*o<\/p>\n

\u201cKhat\u00fal,\u201d<\/i> Suhayl says against the wall watching the world hurry on around them.<\/p>\n

\u201cChat,<\/i>\u201d \u00c9tienne says, eyes on the indicated cat. He points to a wheelbarrow. \u201cBrouette.\u201d<\/i><\/p>\n

\u201cMeritza,<\/i>\u201d Suhayl replies. He looks for something more complicated than a simple noun. \u201cLashir,<\/i>\u201d he says pointing.<\/p>\n

\u201cWait, the people running or the woman singing?\u201d \u00c9tienne asks in English.<\/p>\n

\u201cHa\u2019isha.<\/i>\u201d Suhayl smiles as \u00c9tienne switches his mind back over.<\/p>\n

\u201cLashir… Lashir…<\/i>Oh! To sing?\u201d he asks. Suhayl\u2019s smile widens. \u00c9tienne looks proud of himself. \u201cChanter,<\/i>\u201d he says in French. \u201cLa femme chante.<\/i>\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cDujaj,<\/i>\u201d Suhayl says to see if he can trip \u00c9tienne up.<\/p>\n

\u00c9tienne frowns, looks at the chicken and back at Suhayl. \u201cThat isn\u2019t Hebrew at all, is it? It should be \u2018of\u2019<\/i>\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cArabic,\u201d Suhayl says. \u201cYou remembered the correct word just fine.\u201d \u00c9tienne looks so offended, Suhayl can\u2019t help laughing.<\/p>\n

\u201cT\u2019es con,<\/i>\u201d \u00c9tienne says, shoving his shoulder, a smile fighting with his scowl. Smile aside, Suhayl knows an insult when he hears one.<\/p>\n

\u201cAre we on to swear words, then?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cVery funny.\u201d He rolls his eyes, still stubbornly refusing to smile. \u201cHow many languages do you even know?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cHebrew,\u201d Suhayl says. \u201cI am near fluent in Arabic and somewhat fluent in English. I also know some Amharic.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cAmharic?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cMy mother was born in Ethiopia. Her family made aliyah<\/i> when she was young. My father is Arabic.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cOh.\u201d He is surprised, understandably so. It is against halakha<\/i> to intermarry. It would have been strange if his mother had been born an Israeli citizen. The immigrants from Ethiopia rarely married outside their communities at all, Jewish or not. \u201cThat makes a bit more sense now, why you\u2019re always…\u201d He waves a hand.<\/p>\n

\u201cApart?\u201d Suhayl nods. \u201cI could have dodged conscription if I chose to identify as Arab and Muslim,\u201d he says. \u201cBut I have always been closer to my mother, and being Jewish always felt more right.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI know what you mean. My family is not very religious. My father is Christian\u2014or perhaps Agnostic? He never attended church at any rate. My mother used to joke she was only Jewish when there was a holiday. My aunt was religious though, and moved here with her husband. I visited one summer and something fit. It\u2019s like finding a new part of myself. A good thing.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cLove and respect your parents, but children will find their own way, hmm?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u00c9tienne shrugs. \u201cSomething like that.\u201d He looks back at the passing people. \u201cMore vocabulary?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYes, why not?\u201d It is funny, Suhayl accepted the exchange for learning some French, but his English has improved in leaps and bounds since they started as well. He has never spent so much time just talking to someone outside of family.<\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019ll start,\u201d \u00c9tienne says, pointing at a potted flowers in a windowsill. \u201cFluers.\u201d<\/i><\/p>\n

Suhayl settles back to enjoy the moment, glad for once that he doesn\u2019t have anything to do for a while longer.<\/p>\n

o*O*o<\/p>\n

\u201cOkay,\u201d Cecilio said from where he sat on Suhayl\u2019s single kitchen chair, \u201cthat does not smell like coffee you\u2019re grinding there. Also. Hand grinder?\u201d<\/p>\n

Suhayl smiled, finishing turning the crank. \u201cIt is cardamom seeds.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cCardamom. You put cardamom in your coffee?\u201d Cecilio leaned over the table where Suhayl had put ingredients out earlier, smelling them. \u201cAnd\u2026cloves?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYes.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cOkay, you\u2019re right, this isn\u2019t like any coffee I\u2019ve ever had.\u201d<\/p>\n

Suhayl laughed softly to himself. He couldn\u2019t help feeling light as he moved through the preparation process. It had been a long while since he made coffee for someone else. It was nice to host a friend at the moment. Tracking down the best ingredients were worth the effort. Cecilio listened to him work, head tilted to the side, trying to guess at what he was doing.<\/p>\n

\u201cOkay, so boil the water?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cRemove it from the heat and add the coffee grounds,\u201d Suhayl said, narrating his actions. \u201cThen put it back on the heat.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cOkay\u2026\u201d Cecilio crossed his arms, leaning back against the kitchen table. \u201cThis is a ridiculously complicated process just to make some coffee.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cIt takes longer than your drip coffee,\u201d Suhayl agreed, leaving the pot to simmer for the next ten minutes, \u201cbut it tastes far better.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019ll hold you to that,\u201d Cecilio muttered. \u201cSo what else goes in it?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cOnce the coffee grounds have simmered, I will add the cardamom and cloves and bring it to boil again.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cAh, twice boiling, wow, really time-consuming.\u201d<\/p>\n

Suhayl tossed a towel at him, grinning as Cecilio sputtered and swatted the cloth away. \u201cThen I let the grounds settle before pouring it into a thermos with rose water to serve.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cNo sugar?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cNo.\u201d Sweetening it or adding cream the way so many Americans did to their coffee would only ruin the flavor. He had set some of each out just in case Cecilio was someone that preferred his beverage that way, but he would have him try it first before offering. \u201cIt is often drank with dates or sweets on the side.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cHuh, cool.\u201d Cecilio tilted his head, listening to the soft sounds of bubbling water. \u201cYou make this often?\u201d he asked after a few minutes.<\/p>\n

\u201cSometimes.\u201d It was rarely worth the effort for himself, though he did love the taste. \u201cIt is made often for guests, though, as hospitality.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cAnd I\u2019m a guest,\u201d Cecilio concluded, grinning. \u201cYou just wanted an excuse to have something other than drip coffee.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI admit to nothing.\u201d Cecilio laughed as Suhayl removed the pot from heat again and added the next ingredients. It didn\u2019t take much longer for the foam to bubble up again after that. He removed it from heat a second time, moving about his tiny kitchen to grab the other items he had bought while the grounds settled.<\/p>\n

\u201cDates,\u201d Suhayl said, setting a plate before Cecilio. \u201cAnd on the left, rugelach.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWhat\u2019s that?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cA pastry with fruit and nut filling.\u201d<\/p>\n

Cecilio looked pleasantly surprised, his smile meeting his eyes. Suhayl was still not used to seeing him without his ever present sunglasses. It was only recently that Cecilio was comfortable enough to remove them indoors when Suhayl was around. He had dark brown eyes and surprisingly long eyelashes. Suhayl busied himself with pouring the coffee into the thermos.<\/p>\n

\u201cHold out your hand,\u201d Suhayl said. He curled one of Cecilio\u2019s hands around a tiny cup.<\/p>\n

\u201cIt\u2019s so small,\u201d Cecilio said.<\/p>\n

\u201cIt cools quickly this way and is more satisfying.\u201d Far more satisfying than guzzling half a liter of the sort of coffee Cecilio normally drank at any rate.<\/p>\n

\u201cThank you.\u201d<\/p>\n

Suhayl poured himself a cup and leaned against the counter as Cecilio took a sip. Cecilio\u2019s eyebrows went up. He took a sip of his own coffee and found it almost as he remembered making at home.<\/p>\n

\u201cIt\u2019s barely bitter at all,\u201d Cecilio said. \u201cReminds me a bit more like tea actually with the spices.\u201d He took another sip. \u201cDifferent, but not bad.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI am glad it is within your range of enjoyment,\u201d Suhayl said.<\/p>\n

Cecilio stuck his tongue out at him. \u201cYou say things the weirdest way sometimes. You could just say \u2018glad you like it.\u2019\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cGlad you like it,\u201d Suhayl parroted, finishing the small cup. He poured another, helping himself to a date. \u201cTry the food.\u201d<\/p>\n

Cecilio tried both between sips of coffee. \u201cGood,\u201d he said. \u201cSometime I should bring over some pastries I grew up with. Since we\u2019re practically neighbors now.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI would like that.\u201d Suhayl poured Cecilio a second cup of coffee.<\/p>\n

He would like to learn more about Cecilio very much.<\/p>\n

o*O*o<\/p>\n

Suhayl does not like guns. He does not like bullets or the acrid stench of gunpowder after he takes a shot. He does not like the crack like thunder each shot makes or the inevitable result of said shot. He had not liked it in training when it was only dummies and balloons, and he did not like it now when it is men who bleed out onto the sand. He does not like it, but he is good<\/i> at it, like he somehow always knew he would be.<\/p>\n

He shoots a man, and another, and another because he is trained to do so. His hands do not shake. His breath comes no faster than the first rush of adrenaline at the start of the attack made it, steadying the longer time goes on because he has settled into the routine they practiced. He takes his shots, supports his squad around him, and doesn\u2019t let himself think beyond the moment.<\/p>\n

He has killed more men since he was conscripted than he has had friends in his whole life.<\/p>\n

It is chaos around him with screams and gunfire and the heavy mechanical sound of the advancing tank but he barely hears it. There is only him and his gun and the people who are trying to kill him and hurt his country.<\/p>\n

He takes the shots and doesn\u2019t think, doesn\u2019t think at all.<\/p>\n

o*O*o<\/p>\n

The sharp hospital scent of antiseptic is not enough to cut the lingering scent of blood and dirt and gunpowder from Suhayl\u2019s skin even if his clothing has been changed. It stings in the hundreds of tiny cuts along his body and has sunk into his pores. His injuries are minor enough that he isn\u2019t here for them. He is here more for the shock than the three centimeter cut along his right eyebrow\u2014three stitches required\u2014or the abrasions along his right side from debris.<\/p>\n

A grenade, they said after it was over, but it doesn\u2019t matter what it was after the fact when in the moment it was an explosion and bodies. He is not sure how he came out almost unscathed while the man next to him (Yosef, youngest of three) ended up dead from a shard of metal catching his throat. Natan (sent money to his mother every month, only child) lost a leg, lost part of his side, lost a life bleeding out too quickly. Three others (David, Anis, Fathi) wounded bad enough to require surgery. Suhayl does not know if they lived or died. The others are like him, covered with minor wounds and wondering how they survived.<\/p>\n

He is not feeling the deaths yet, but he wonders how acutely he will feel them anyway. Units, his neighbor told him once, become like family; for Suhayl this has not been the case. He is just as willing to work alongside them as when he first came, but while he cares for them, he does not care for them like he would his brothers or sister. And he has never reacted to death as he feels he should. He feels more for the grief of those around him than grief over the dead themselves. Sadness will come, but it will come harder when he sees the others mourn. Now it is like ripples in a pool he can tell exists, but cannot see past a curtain of fog.<\/p>\n

There are footsteps. He expects the nurse, ushering him on his way so the room can be used for someone else. Instead, he looks up to see \u00c9tienne. \u00c9tienne pale and out of breath and wide eyed like he is the one that witnessed someone die.<\/p>\n

\u201cTu es en vie,<\/i>\u201d he says all in one breath, then in struggling English, \u201cYou are not-dead. Okay.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cAlive,\u201d Suhayl says. \u201cSomehow.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYour unit, I heard\u2026\u201d \u00c9tienne crosses the space between them with a soft sound of frustration. \u201cWords are not coming now.\u201d He catches Suhayl\u2019s face in both hands, inspecting the damage.<\/p>\n

\u201cI am fine,\u201d Suhayl says. \u201cI am\u2014\u201d \u00c9tienne cuts his words off with a press of lips, hard and fast, pulling back again so quickly only the lingering pressure confirms it happened at all. Suhayl has thought about kissing him. He has never thought it would actually happen.<\/p>\n

\u201cYou are okay,\u201d \u00c9tienne says, unable to look away like if he did, Suhayl would vanish. He touches the edge of the bandage at Suhayl\u2019s brow, ghosts over a patch of tiny cuts. \u201cOne in surgery died. I don\u2019t know who. No one said names.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cOh.\u201d Was it David or Anis who had been hurt worse?<\/p>\n

\u201cI would have come sooner, but work\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n

Suhayl understands. They are soldiers; you check on friends on your own time.<\/p>\n

\u201cI am sorry,\u201d \u00c9tienne says. \u201cI am sorry, but I am glad.\u201d There are tears in his eyes and they push past the fog in Suhayl\u2019s mind. He feels tears in his eyes too. He clutches at \u00c9tienne\u2019s forearm and hip as he is kissed again. It tastes like salt. \u201cThank you for living.\u201d<\/p>\n

The fog clears and Suhayl weeps. \u00c9tienne holds him through it and weeps with him.<\/p>\n

o*O*o<\/p>\n

The world had a sleepy non-reality to it, curled up with Cecilio in a dark room at one in the morning on a Saturday\u2014Sunday, now. It was Cecilio\u2019s couch in Cecilio\u2019s apartment because despite moving in only a few months ago, he had more furniture and small comforts than Suhayl had amassed over the last two years. He also, as Cecilio liked to point out, kept it at livable temperatures. (\u201cFor the love of fuck, if you weren\u2019t a human furnace, you would freeze, I swear to God.\u201d) Suhayl had had the evening free, so they had watched\u2014or listened in Cecilio\u2019s case\u2014to a movie on Cecilio\u2019s laptop.<\/p>\n

The credits had rolled an unknown amount of minutes ago, but Suhayl had no desire to move away from the bubble of warmth they had created leaning against each other. He enjoyed feeling Cecilio\u2019s chest rise and fall against his side and the soft sounds of his breath in the silence.<\/p>\n

\u201cSuhayl?\u201d Cecilio murmured against his shoulder. He twisted around so he was facing Suhayl, one hand lifted. \u201cCan I touch your face\u2026? It\u2019s not\u2026it\u2019s not the same as seeing but.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYes.\u201d<\/p>\n

Cecilio\u2019s hands were unexpectedly soft. His fingers were cold and Suhayl blinked at the first brush of them against his cheek. They explored the contour of his jaw and the trace of stubble there, up along to his ear, his hair, skating along the tight curls that were growing too long until he reached Suhayl\u2019s forehead. Cecilio\u2019s lips parted, his face a mask of concentration in the dark. The pad of a thumb brushed over one eyebrow, then skimmed cross Suhayl\u2019s closed eye. \u201cI know you have dark skin and hair,\u201d Cecilio said, voice falling into an almost reverent whisper as his finger followed the curve of Suhayl\u2019s cheekbone. \u201cAnd you are very tall and wide. Like you could fit two of me in one of you.\u201d Suhayl smiled as Cecilio investigated his nose, sweeping across the breadth of it. His second hand moved to join the first and Suhayl shut his eyes and let Cecilio touch. \u201cI kept wondering what you looked like. Not that it matters. Just.\u201d He understood. It was the same sort of curiosity that had had Suhayl wondering what Cecilio looked like under his sunglasses months ago.<\/p>\n

Cecilio\u2019s thumb brushed Suhayl\u2019s lips. He lingered there, brushing back and forth. The moment that could have been platonic became charged. Suhayl held still.<\/p>\n

\u201cCan I kiss you?\u201d Cecilio asked.<\/p>\n

Suhayl drew a breath past the pressure on his lips. \u201cYes.\u201d He met Cecilio halfway, tilting his head to make it easier. It felt like they had kissed a dozen times before, comfortable and right.<\/p>\n

\u201cOh,\u201d Cecilio said against his lips, then, \u201cagain?\u201d<\/p>\n

Suhayl pulled him closer and did some facial exploration of his own until they were both warm and breathless.<\/p>\n

They fell asleep on the couch. It was worth the ache in his neck the next day.<\/p>\n

o*O*o<\/p>\n

\u201cThere\u2019s a scar on your eyebrow,\u201d Cecilio said, tracing fingers along Suhayl\u2019s face, over eyelids, across his brow, and down the ridge of his nose. \u201cWhatever did that had to just miss your eye…\u201d<\/p>\n

Suhayl let him touch a moment longer before catching his hand and dragging it down to kiss the palm. \u201cIt is healed now,\u201d he said.<\/p>\n

Cecilio wrinkled his nose. \u201cWell, yes, that\u2019s what scars are.\u201d He had a half smile at the edge of his lips. \u201cWounds that have hea\u2014\u201d<\/p>\n

Suhayl pulled him into a kiss, and all talk of scars was quickly forgotten.<\/p>\n

o*O*o<\/p>\n

\u201cSomeday you should visit my family home,\u201d \u00c9tienne says. \u201cMy parents would like you. Mama would make you clafoutis and Papa would ask about your father\u2019s shop and the books you have read.\u201d He traces patterns on Suhayl\u2019s skin and it has been worth the cost of the apartment to have this, to lay next to him in these twilight moments of peace. \u201cI can show you where I grew up and the best places to watch sunrises. I would take you to see where I went fishing in the summer and let my grandmother smother you in pastries.\u201d<\/p>\n

Suhayl tilts his face into \u00c9tienne\u2019s hand as it trails up along his jaw. \u201cI would love to meet them. You really think they would like me?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u00c9tienne snickers. \u201cThey would love you. You are polite and kind and a gentle soul.\u201d<\/p>\n

Suhayl\u2019s smile dims at the description; he is not as gentle or kind as \u00c9tienne insists. Gentle souls do not kill men who could be distant cousins. Gentle souls do not choose the life of a soldier if they can help it. There is a sharp pinch to his side and he twitches away from it.<\/p>\n

\u201cI know what you are thinking,\u201d \u00c9tienne says in the knowing way he has. \u201cAnd you are wrong.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cAnd you, of course, are always right,\u201d Suhayl says more forcefully than he means.<\/p>\n

\u00c9tienne smooths his hand over Suhayl\u2019s skin again. \u201cIn this at least, I know you better than you know yourself.\u201d He presses soft kisses along Suhayl\u2019s neck and back until he lets the tension fade away. \u201cAnd your parents? If they met me? Would they accept their son with a man?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cThey know where my interests lie,\u201d Suhayl says honestly. \u201cThey love me the same. My father would ask what brought you here. Mother would take you for a walk and probably barely speak a word, but by the end of your stay she would give you a shirt she made herself.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cShe is quiet, then?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cShe is someone of actions more than words,\u201d Suhayl says and thinks of small tokens that brightened his childhood, and his mother\u2019s quiet, steady support no matter where his heart took him over the years. Her words meant more when she used them too, more powerful for the rarity of offered advice and opinions. He has never doubted either of his parents\u2019 love though.<\/p>\n

\u201cWe will have to visit sometime,\u201d \u00c9tienne says. \u201cI want to see the people and places you love.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cSometime,\u201d Suhayl agrees. \u201cThey would like you as well, I think.\u201d He cannot imagine them disliking anyone Suhayl loves.<\/p>\n

\u201cThe next time we are both free to go, then,\u201d \u00c9tienne says. \u201cI\u2019ll hold you to that.\u201d<\/p>\n

o*O*o<\/p>\n

When Suhayl reached his usual library table, Cecilio greeted him with a wave as he so often did these days. One side of his headphones were already tucked back from his ear in anticipation of conversation. It was one of his neater days, hair tied back and an actual button down shirt on instead of whatever t-shirt he happened to pull on that day.<\/p>\n

Suhayl sat at his spot, the work he had to do forgotten for the moment. \u201cWas something different today?\u201d<\/p>\n

Cecilio plucked at one of his shirt cuffs, nose wrinkled. \u201cCounselling appointment,\u201d he said. \u201cDon\u2019t have them very often these days, but sometimes I have to, you know, actually make an effort.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYour counsellor cares about what you wear?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cNah, the other people we met with do though.\u201d He paused. His fingers drummed across the table in a nervous tic Suhayl hadn\u2019t seen from him before. \u201cI got into some trouble as a teen, so sometimes I get checked in on to make sure I\u2019m becoming a proper member of society or something. …For the record, I didn\u2019t kill anyone or go to juvie or anything.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI would not presume the worst of your past, or that you are the same person you were then. I know I am nothing like I used to be.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYeah?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI am no longer a soldier, for one,\u201d Suhayl said. \u201cAnd I never intended to go to medical school.\u201d<\/p>\n

Cecilio relaxed with a sharp exhale. \u201cWouldn\u2019t have pegged you for the soldier type. Maybe it\u2019s cuz I only ever meet you when you\u2019re studying, but you seem more the scholarly type.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI am both,\u201d Suhayl said, and it doesn\u2019t sting any longer to accept both sides, the person who can do what needs done in the moment and the person who loves to think about all that lies outside of the moment.<\/p>\n

\u201cWell I\u2019m neither,\u201d Cecilio said. \u201cDon\u2019t suppose you know any apartments looking for rooms around here? I\u2019ve been working toward moving out and my counselor finally convinced my parents to let me.\u201d<\/p>\n

Suhayl wondered what Cecilio\u2019s parents must be like to discourage independence rather than fostering it. And what it meant that Cecilio would rather live alone than with them. Suhayl had made his own path as had been expected, but he would have been welcome, would have been comfortable even, if he had returned home instead of choosing to keep going farther. \u201cActually,\u201d he said, thoughts shifting to apartments, \u201cthere are openings where I live, although I am not sure if they would meet your family\u2019s standards.\u201d He had the impression that they were well off, overprotective to the point of being stifling, and distant from the things Cecilio had mentioned.<\/p>\n

\u201cThey\u2019re not the ones living there, I am.\u201d Cecilio dismissed. \u201cTell me about them.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cIt is a three-story apartment building. Most of the apartments are single rooms with a bathroom and closet. There is a laundry room in the basement that is shared. The building is old, so it is\u2026drafty in the winter.\u201d Suhayl used as little heat as possible to save costs as well, which made an accurate description hard. \u201cThe landlord is fair though, and can be quite kind.\u201d Suhayl was certain that the man was barely making a profit from the building. He had gifted Suhayl a pair of thick socks last winter after a conversation about the radiators that had somehow become a discussion on the history of Abrahamic religions. Felix was an interesting person.<\/p>\n

\u201cStudio, hmm? I can do that.\u201d He tugged his laptop closer and poised his fingers at the keys. \u201cCan I have his number?\u201d<\/p>\n

Suhayl passed along Felix\u2019s phone number and the address of the building. \u201cWould you like me to keep an eye open for other places?\u201d he offered.<\/p>\n

Cecilio smiled and waved him away. \u201cI can handle it. Just figured I\u2019d ask. Thanks. Now I have an essay to get back to, and I know you have that thing you started Tuesday to finish, so study on, table buddy.\u201d<\/p>\n

o*O*o<\/p>\n

Suhayl stares, hands on his belt as \u00c9tienne removed the last of his clothing. There is a world of difference between seeing the naked bodies of men in day to day routine, and seeing the body of his lover fully for the first time, knowing that that nudity is for him. \u00c9tienne smiles, one eyebrow lifted in both question and challenge. In all his twenty years, Suhayl is sure he has never removed his clothing as fast as he does then.<\/p>\n

He stops, nude and suddenly terribly aware of it, but the feeling is set aside when he sees \u00c9tienne\u2019s parted lips and pupil-dark eyes. \u00c9tienne wants this, wants it as much as Suhayl does and that takes all the pressure off. They have touched before; this is not so different from what they have experienced together already.<\/p>\n

\u201cEnjoying the view?\u201d Suhayl teases.<\/p>\n

\u00c9tienne\u2019s mouth snaps closed. \u201cAbout as much as you are,\u201d he snipes back, nodding at the growing interest between Suhayl\u2019s legs. He steps forward until they are thigh to thigh, each small patch of bare skin that brushes against Suhayl\u2019s own is like a brand, heightening his awareness and leaving bright-sharp sensation lingering behind it in his mind. \u00c9tienne pulls Suhayl down into a kiss. He kisses slowly, drawing Suhayl into it as slowly and inescapably as the moon pulls the tide. \u201cWhat do you want to do?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cAnything,\u201d Suhayl says. \u201cSo long as it means I can touch every centimeter of you.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u00c9tienne\u2019s smile squints his eyes along well-worn folds. \u201cFunny, I was thinking the same.\u201d He puts one hand in the center of Suhayl\u2019s chest and pushes lightly. Suhayl goes willingly. The bed hits the back of his legs and he falls against it. \u00c9tienne follows slowly, appreciating the sight of Suhayl sprawled against the sheets. \u201cI could spend all night just looking,\u201d he says, running one hand up the outside of Suhayl\u2019s thigh.<\/p>\n

Suhayl shivers, cock twitching with a rush of blood south. \u201cI sincerely hope you are not going to spend the whole time staring.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI can look and touch.\u201d \u00c9tienne leans down and licks a line along Suhayl\u2019s collarbone. \u201cAnd taste.\u201d He looks at Suhayl behind his lashes. Suhayl pulls him up into a kiss. Suhayl wants slow, wants to savor, but at the same time he wants everything at once. Everything and anything that \u00c9tienne is willing to give.<\/p>\n

Suhayl runs his hands across the soft skin of \u00c9tienne\u2019s belly and up to the curl of hair on his chest. He feels the bump of each rib and the flex of muscles in \u00c9tienne\u2019s arms as he holds himself up, braced against the mattress. His thighs are soft with fine hairs and firm muscle and his ass, when Suhayl cups it, pushes back into his hands, filling his palms. There is just enough give to it that Suhayl feels some primal satisfaction in kneading it.<\/p>\n

\u00c9tienne groans against his lips. His hips twitch forward. His cock skims along Suhayl\u2019s hip, hard and leaving a bit of sticky wetness where their skin brushes. \u00c9tienne\u2019s pale skin blushes past his neck when he is aroused and the contrast of his white thighs against the brown of Suhayl\u2019s hips might be one of the most beautiful things Suhayl has ever seen. \u201cLet me explore?\u201d he breathes against Suhayl\u2019s ear. Suhayl lets go of his ass with some reluctance; it would be so easy to use that hold to pull their hips into alignment and build friction between them.<\/p>\n

\u00c9tienne\u2019s lips follow the curve of his ear, the tendon along his neck, leaving wet, openmouthed kisses and enough soft suction to stimulate. It isn\u2019t enough to mark him, though Suhayl wants him to. As \u00c9tienne scrapes teeth against his collarbone, fingers pressing hard into Suhayl\u2019s biceps, he cannot help picturing those teeth pressing a bit harder and the dull ring of bruises they would leave behind. Suhayl breathes, but his lungs cannot seem to keep up with the rapid pace of his heart.<\/p>\n

\u201cYou taste good,\u201d \u00c9tienne murmurs as he licks sweat from the hollow of Suhayl\u2019s throat. \u201cFeel good.\u201d His hips rock down and Suhayl arches up in reflex, almost bucking \u00c9tienne out of his lap in reflex. It is so much and \u00c9tienne has barely touched him. He closes his eyes, trembles as \u00c9tienne\u2019s wicked tongue moves to his chest. His nipples are drawn as tight and hard as his cock, and half as sensitive. Suhayl gasps at \u00c9tienne\u2019s mouth there, pictures it going lower.<\/p>\n

\u201c\u00c9tienne.\u201d He isn\u2019t sure if it\u2019s a plea, a statement, or a demand, but he knows that he needs more of something.<\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019ve got you.\u201d \u00c9tienne\u2019s rough thumbs make circles on his sides. He slides between Suhayl\u2019s legs, half off the bed, then lower. There is warm, damp breath against Suhayl\u2019s navel. Those same hands move to Suhayl\u2019s inner thighs. Rough against smooth sensitive skin, up, up, to the crease of his pelvis and down again.<\/p>\n

Suhayl intended to let him explore in peace, but his control breaks. With a moan he cannot recognize as coming from his own throat, he curls forward, catching \u00c9tienne by the back of his neck to kiss him as if they can merge their bodies that way.<\/p>\n

\u201cI was going,\u201d \u00c9tienne gasps between deep kisses, \u201cto suck you off.\u201d<\/p>\n

Suhayl grinds his hips forward into the soft flesh over muscle of \u00c9tienne\u2019s stomach. \u201cAnother time,\u201d he says. \u201cAnother time, I need…\u201d His hands are shaking. He needs with his very being and he doesn\u2019t know how \u00c9tienne can look as calm as he does smiling nose to nose with Suhayl as their breath mingles. It is like Suhayl is back to their first fumbling touches over clothes only it isn\u2019t nerves making his hands shake but the intensity of emotion.<\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019ve got you,\u201d \u00c9tienne says again, moving back up Suhayl\u2019s body until he is in his lap. Suhayl clutches his hips on instinct. \u00c9tienne cups Suhayl\u2019s face in both hands. He is still smiling so gently it almost hurts. His hips cant down against Suhayl\u2019s and Suhayl\u2019s eyes snap closed. His hands tighten and pull \u00c9tienne closer, with more force. Their erections grind together, cocks trapped between the crush of their bodies.<\/p>\n

It could have been a minute or an age that Suhayl rocks against him, his world a shattered matrix of pressure, sticky-slick stutters of cock along cock, lips at his throat and the give of flesh under his fingertips. He drags \u00c9tienne down hard as his hips jerk up, and he is coming, his breath choked in his throat and \u00c9tienne\u2019s sweat on his tongue.<\/article>\n<\/div>\n

<\/article>\n
o*O*o<\/article>\n
<\/article>\n
With Cecilio, after the high of sex often came a crash, and Suhayl never knew what form that would take. This time, touch and reassurance did not pull him from wherever his mind went at these times, and Cecilio turned inward and remote in Suhayl\u2019s arms. He counted breaths, waiting. Staying because Cecilio admitted that it helped even if he didn\u2019t always acknowledge it at the time.<\/p>\n

When Cecilio finally stirred it was with a shaky inhale that sounded loud in the stillness between them.<\/p>\n

\u201cWhen I was fifteen I ran away from home,\u201d Cecilio confessed after dozens of breaths. \u201cI was so sick of everything. Of my room being the only place I was allowed to be alone, of Father\u2019s smothering and Mother pretending I didn\u2019t exist. I hated my four-year-old brother just for existing. I didn\u2019t get caught for almost a year.\u201d<\/p>\n

Suhayl listened to the pause between breaths. Like Cecilio hovered on the edge of his personal void.<\/p>\n

\u201cI met a guy on the streets a little older than me. He took me in.\u201d Cecilio licked his lips. \u201cEveryone thinks he dragged me into shady shit, but wasn\u2019t like that. We were friends and he was some hotshot teen playing at being tougher than he really was. He needed to be needed and back then I knew shit about how the world worked. He would get me audiobooks from the library and showed me how to throw a punch without breaking my hand. I helped him keep track of money and helped him read better\u2014could see more back then\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n

Suhayl could feel where this was going and his heart ached. He held Cecilio closer still, and Cecilio curled into him.<\/p>\n

\u201cI loved him, and I think he loved me back even if we didn\u2019t say it. He was stupid and got involved with bad shit. Illegal shit. Didn\u2019t bring it home, but he kept taking bigger risks. We argued about it and I started following just to know how deep it went and he hated that. We fought the day it went to shit. Gang war stuff, I never really got it, I was just his boyfriend, the moon to his sun, you know?\u201d<\/p>\n

Cecilio had a crude tattoo of a sun on his hip that made much more sense after that sentence. Suhayl rubbed tension from his neck and shoulders.<\/p>\n

\u201cHe got shot and died, and I got caught by the police for not running and it\u2019s only because everyone knew I was just the boyfriend that I got off without a criminal record. Was sent back home since I was a runaway and shoved into therapy and shit right back into feeling trapped and traumatized on top of that.\u201d Suhayl knew that feeling. Not the same one Cecilio had, but forced to finish infantry life after watching his world fall to pieces was close enough. \u201cI still hate that we never made up,\u201d Cecilio said.<\/p>\n

\u201cI never told the man I loved that I loved him,\u201d Suhayl said, letting his soul bare in return. \u201cI saw him die and will forever regret never saying it out loud.\u201d<\/p>\n

Cecilio sniffed. Suhayl didn\u2019t look to see if he was crying or not. \u201cWe\u2019re both fucked up a bit aren\u2019t we?\u201d<\/p>\n

Suhayl thought of sleepless nights and how the smallest thing could lead to reliving his worst moments. \u201cRegrets haunt the longest,\u201d Suhayl agreed softly. \u201cThank you for trusting me with that.\u201d<\/p>\n

Cecilio pressed his face against Suhayl\u2019s chest. \u201cThank you for listening.\u201d<\/p>\n

o*O*o<\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019ve been fine,\u201d Suhayl says into the phone receiver. The wall is cool against his back as he leans against it, sun from the window warm on his face. His eyes are closed. It is just a moment, a moment of stillness in which he can feel the aches of the months of training. The aches are not as acute as they had been at the start though. He is a soldier now. There is pride in that, of excelling in it even if it is a feeling he tries not to indulge in. He isn\u2019t doing this for personal pride but because it is right. He smiles at his father\u2019s voice on the other end. \u201cTruly. I feel like I am doing my part already.\u201d<\/p>\n

He has had some problems integrating with his unit. He doesn\u2019t tell his father that though. There is mutual respect between him and the other unit members and that is enough at this point. He trusts them to have his back and they trust him in return.<\/p>\n

\u201cI have made a friend.\u201d Friend. He has not had much luck making many so far here, but \u00c9tienne is quickly becoming someone Suhayl cannot help but seek out every free moment they share. There are other emotions there that he will not look at yet. It is too new, too precious to let any other emotions ruin it. \u201cHe is from France. His Hebrew is awful, but he is improving. I am helping him with Hebrew and he is teaching me French. French resembles English in some ways and is nonsensically different at others.\u201d<\/p>\n

He laughs as his father points out that of course he sounds happier about having someone to practice languages with than anything else he is accomplishing in his military time. \u201cTrue. I will have to work on that.\u201d It was his life choice to become a soldier so he supposes he should put more of himself into it. He has never liked doing anything half ways anyway. Why put a minimum of effort when he can put his best effort in at all times? There is no point in doing less. \u201cStill, I am getting a lot of English practice out of it. I think I am better at speaking it than you are now.\u201d Suhayl has been helping with English since halfway through high school whenever his father\u2019s shop requires it. He probably passed his father\u2019s skill a while back. He misses practicing with his father on tourists though. Misses all of his family fiercely. Sitting like this with his father\u2019s voice in his ear, he could almost be back at home hearing his father go about his day and his sister and brothers in the background. Or perhaps in the shop with the creak of the front door every time it opens. \u201cGive Mother and the others my love. I will call again soon.\u201d<\/p>\n

How soon depends on what he is assigned. They know this though.<\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019ll do my best.\u201d<\/p>\n

Suhayl hangs up the call and opens his eyes. He is in a hallway and far from the comforts of home.<\/p>\n

There is still time left before he has to get back to work. He uses it to find \u00c9tienne.<\/p>\n

\u00c9tienne is restocking bandages and checking over an inventory in the medical building. He smiles when he sees Suhayl.<\/p>\n

\u201cI hope you are not hurt?\u201d he says in his improving Hebrew.<\/p>\n

\u201cI am just visiting.\u201d The list is shoved into Suhayl\u2019s hands.<\/p>\n

\u201cGreat,\u201d \u00c9tienne says switching to English. \u201cHelp me go through this list? Another pair of eyes are welcome.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cSure.\u201d Suhayl reads items off the list and \u00c9tienne checks their status one by one. It is a companionable way to spend the afternoon. Suhayl thinks that homesickness aside, he has made the right choice to be there in the military.<\/p>\n

o*O*o<\/p>\n

\u201cI don\u2019t know if you celebrate it, but here, merry Christmas.\u201d Cecilio plopped a crookedly wrapped gift in Suhayl\u2019s lap, narrowly missing his cup of tea. \u201cIt\u2019s kind of early but\u2014\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019m Jewish.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cEh?\u201d<\/p>\n

Suhayl picked up the gift, torn between laughing at Cecilio\u2019s blank confusion and sighing at yet another assumption that everyone celebrated Christmas. It was something that took a bit of getting used to when he first got to America. \u201cI\u2019m Jewish,\u201d he said again. \u201cSo I do not celebrate Christmas. I do celebrate Hanukkah however, which begins on the same day this year.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cO…kay…\u201d Cecilio tilted his head. \u201cWait. You\u2019re Jewish. I\u2019ve been dating you for a while, how has this never come up?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI did say I was from Israel,\u201d Suhayl said, amusement winning over. \u201cAnd you did not ask. I also have not been practicing my religion much since I came to America. It is harder to manage when work or classes interrupt the times I would do so at home.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cHuh. I\u2019d been leaning toward maybe Muslim, but even that was kind of…eh…\u201d He tilted his head the other direction. \u201cIt\u2019s your name I guess.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYou would have been partially correct. I came from a Jewish-Muslim background. My mother is Jewish, my father is Muslim.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cHow did that work?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cVery carefully,\u201d Suhayl said, \u201cwith each respecting each other\u2019s beliefs and being inclusive of their practices and holy days without expecting the other to do the same.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cAnd, this is why you don\u2019t eat bacon,\u201d Cecilio said standing straight with sudden epiphany. \u201cThat makes so much more sense. I thought you had a pork allergy or something. I knew someone like that once. For the record, I was raised Catholic.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI know.\u201d Suhayl smiled as Cecilio\u2019s mouth hung open again. \u201cYou cross yourself sometimes when you are startled.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI do?\u201d He blinked. \u201cShit. I do. Wow, turns out that was ingrained in me a lot deeper than I thought.\u201d<\/p>\n

Suhayl laughed. \u201cReligion does that.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cGuess that can\u2019t be a Christmas gift then. It can be a Hanukkah gift? Early birthday gift? Late birthday gift?\u201d Cecilio buried his face in his hands. \u201cOh my god, I just realized I never asked you when your birthday is either.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cApril twelfth,\u201d Suhayl said. \u201cI will be twenty-six.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cOh. Great, good to know. Also good to know your age. Which I should have asked about. Like a normal person.\u201d He muffled a groan into his palms. \u201cMine is\u2014\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cAugust seventeenth and you are twenty-three,\u201d Suhayl said, smiling so wide his face hurt. \u201cYou mentioned it off-hand before we started dating.\u201d<\/p>\n

Cecilio groaned again before launching himself in Suhayl\u2019s direction. \u201cOh my god, how do you even remember that?\u201d<\/p>\n

Suhayl slid out of his way easily down the length of the couch, laughter slipping past his lips. Cecilio tripped face first over the armrest. He sputtered, coming back up looking affronted and about as threatening as a half drowned cat.<\/p>\n

\u201cStop being the perfect boyfriend!\u201d he yelled, fishing around the couch for a pillow before trying very inaccurately to smother Suhayl with it. Suhayl laughed so hard he fell off the couch. The pillow glanced harmlessly off his elbow as Cecilio threw it in a fit of disgust.<\/p>\n

\u201cI hate you,\u201d Cecilio announced from on top of the couch. Suhayl wheezed. His ribs hurt from laughing.<\/p>\n

\u201cNo. No you don\u2019t,\u201d he gasped. He got his laughter under control and dragged Cecilio off the couch and onto him. Cecilio yelped as Suhayl trapped him in a hug. \u201cYou love me.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI feel something, and at the moment it wouldn\u2019t be called love,\u201d Cecilio grumbled. He stopped squirming and relaxed against Suhayl\u2019s chest. \u201cSo are you going to open your gift?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYou still want to give it?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWell I already went to the trouble of getting it and you don\u2019t really have to have reasons to give people gifts… It\u2019s just less awkward when there\u2019s culturally sanctioned reasons.\u201d He wiggled his shoulders. \u201cAre you going to let go and open it or not?\u201d<\/p>\n

Suhayl let go reluctantly. It was nice to hold him, but Cecilio was not one for prolonged physical contact out of the blue. The gift had miraculously escaped getting squashed in their tussle, ending up on the other side of the couch. Suhayl plucked at the taped edges.<\/p>\n

Cecilio made an impatient sound in the back of his throat. \u201cJust rip it. It\u2019s not like it\u2019s fancy paper.\u201d<\/p>\n

He\u2019d used pages from that week\u2019s advertisements. Suhayl had wondered where the grocery ads had gone. He pulled back the paper and pulled out…a bag of bamba.<\/i><\/p>\n

Cecilio had his arms crossed, waiting to hear his reaction. Apparently he was taking too long as Cecilio babbled, \u201cYou mentioned you missed eating certain things, so I tried finding them online. Only wow were those websites not friendly to my software. And I tried to find…hashar? Hasachar? I don\u2019t know. Either way I couldn\u2019t remember it or spell it so it was kind of a lost cause with that one. I could probably get it if you wanted me to.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cHashahar,\u201d<\/i> Suhayl said, pulling Cecilio down into another hug. \u201cYou did not have to find this.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cOof. I take it you like it.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cVery much.\u201d<\/p>\n

Cecilio finally smiled, all his angles softened for the moment. \u201cI\u2019m glad.\u201d Suhayl let his hug loosen so Cecilio could get comfortable. He propped his head on crossed arms like Suhayl was a cushion, his smile lost somewhere in his elbows. \u201cYou\u2019ve been talking about home a lot lately. It sounded like you were homesick so maybe a taste of home would help.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cThank you.\u201d He did get homesick from time to time, but moments like this were what made him sure that he was where he should be.<\/p>\n

\u201cYou\u2019re welcome.\u201d Cecilio leaned over and gave him a quick kiss. \u201cYou know, this whole thing means we\u2019re going to have to talk about what you do and don\u2019t celebrate and stuff so I don\u2019t do something stupid like buying a Christmas gift for my Jewish boyfriend again. Or maybe how we handle holidays if we\u2019re sharing them?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWe can do that.\u201d A bit later though. \u201cFirst you need to try bamba<\/i>.\u201d<\/p>\n

o*O*o<\/p>\n

It is hot in the apartment even though the sun has long since gone down. It is hotter still with \u00c9tienne\u2019s warm, sweat-sticky body alongside him, but there is nowhere else Suhayl would rather be. Night is the space between reality and dreams or duty and desire. Here, like this, there is nothing else but their shared breaths and shared bodies. The night goes on in the city outside their open windows, but they have long since tuned it out.<\/p>\n

\u00c9tienne hums, head against Suhayl\u2019s chest lifting to stare at him in the dim light. \u201cSuhayl, after this, what will you do?\u201d he asks, in English because even after his Hebrew has improved, it is English that they have built their bond in, and English that Suhayl has become fond of because of it.<\/p>\n

\u2018This,\u2019 meaning his conscription. He is nearing its end, less than six months away. It is not the first time \u00c9tienne has asked, but it is the first time Suhayl has thought enough to give an answer. \u201cA year ago, I thought I would stay on and make the military my career,\u201d he says.<\/p>\n

\u00c9tienne\u2019s smile in the dark is sad because he knows why that is no longer the case. \u201cAnd now?\u201d
\nSuhayl is silent. \u00c9tienne shifts, propping himself up and taking Suhayl\u2019s hand in his own.<\/p>\n

\u201cYou have good hands, you know,\u201d he says, thumbs rubbing against Suhayl\u2019s palm. \u201cI thought that when I met you and I thought it even more as I got to know you.\u201d He is indistinct in the dark, but Suhayl can see him smile. \u201cThey\u2019re very strong hands, but they\u2019re gentle. I\u2019ve seen you calm hurting men with these hands.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYou have seen me kill with them too,\u201d Suhayl says.<\/p>\n

\u00c9tienne is quiet, tracing each finger and turning the hand over to commit the skin of his knuckles to memory. \u201cYour hands are not meant for war,\u201d he says softly. \u201cAnd you know that.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI do not think anyone\u2019s hands are truly meant for war,\u201d Suhayl says. He closes his eyes against \u00c9tienne\u2019s earnest stare. \u201cI am not sure where they would serve me best,\u201d he admits. He has considered returning home to help his father and sister run their business, but while he could be content there, he does not think it is the right choice for him.<\/p>\n

\u201cYou need purpose,\u201d \u00c9tienne says. \u201cFind a path that helps people.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cBecome a doctor like you?\u201d Suhayl asks drily, pulling his hand away. \u201cI think it\u2019s better suited for you than me.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u00c9tienne laughs softly. \u201cI don\u2019t know. I think you\u2019d make a good doctor though. Or perhaps a scholar. You said once you considered studying the Torah, and I know you spend every free moment you have without me reading things. Books and knowledge suit you better than guns and bloodshed.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI wanted to serve my country. But serving it has only made me question what I am serving for.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYou can love a country without loving what it does.\u201d<\/p>\n

Suhayl is not sure he believes that. And yet it fits the divide he feels, so perhaps \u00c9tienne is right.<\/p>\n

\u201cThere is more than one way to support Israel,\u201d \u00c9tienne says. \u201cAnd breaking yourself in the military does not have to be that way.\u201d He took Suhayl\u2019s hand again, twining their fingers together. When \u00c9tienne says it, Suhayl can almost believe it. He pictures helping the sick or teaching in a school or reading the writings of scholars deep into the night. None fits quite right, but they all fit better than leveling a gun at yet another human being.<\/p>\n

\u201cYou will figure it out,\u201d \u00c9tienne says, \u201cand I will be a doctor in a hospital and we will figure our world out from there.\u201d<\/p>\n

In the night it feels like a dream that can become a reality. Suhayl tucks the dream close to his heart.<\/p>\n

o*O*o<\/p>\n

\u201cYou know,\u201d Cecilio said one day, oversize coffee switched out for what appears to be some sort of melting, frozen concoction\u2014possibly still with coffee. \u201cWe\u2019ve been talking twice a week for ages now and I realized the other day that I still have no idea what the heck you\u2019re studying.\u201d He waved a hand in the general direction of Suhayl\u2019s pile of books and notes and half written research paper. \u201cAnd you\u2019re only ever taking notes or reading so it has to be studying something.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cExcept when I am talking to you,\u201d Suhayl said.<\/p>\n

Cecilio grinned. \u201cYeah. You like talking to me though or you\u2019d\u2019ve told me to shut up by this point. Politely. Because you\u2019re weird that way.\u201d He leaned forward. \u201cSo, what career are you selling your soul to?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI am studying pre-medical at the moment,\u201d Suhayl said. \u201cMay I ask what you are doing on your laptop at all times?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cHmm, it\u2019s fifty-fifty if I\u2019m studying or goofing off,\u201d Cecilio said. \u201cAudio books and text-to-voice software are my friends. More seriously though, I\u2019m trying to get a degree to become a social worker.\u201d He shifted, playing with the cord of his headphones. \u201cReal slow going though. I only got my GED a year and a half ago. My own fault for blowing off school when I was younger, but I really do want to do something with my life. Why not help people?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cAn admirable goal.\u201d<\/p>\n

Cecilio ducked his head a bit, cheeks tinged pink. \u201cI don\u2019t even know if it\u2019s really possible since I\u2019m legally blind and all, but I figured I\u2019d give it a shot. What made you choose med track?\u201d<\/p>\n

Suhayl looked away from Cecilio\u2019s honest curiosity. His essay, painstakingly written between work hours all but looked back at him. \u201cI suppose I wanted to see if my hands could help someone after all,\u201d he said finally.<\/p>\n

\u201cDon\u2019t see why they couldn\u2019t,\u201d Cecilio said. \u201cThere\u2019s a lot worse people than you who become doctors every day.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYou barely know me,\u201d Suhayl pointed out.<\/p>\n

\u201cI know enough,\u201d Cecilio said. \u201cYou care about people. Or did I imagine you mothering me about my caffeine intake half a dozen times?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cThat much caffeine is bad for anyone,\u201d Suhayl said.<\/p>\n

\u201cSee?\u201d Cecilio grinned. \u201cI consider you a friend now, so you\u2019re not going to convince me otherwise.\u201d<\/p>\n

Suhayl paused. \u201cAre we friends now?\u201d<\/p>\n

Cecilio shrugged. \u201cWell, besides you, my only friends are a couple homeless people, so yeah, good to have another friend. I mean maybe you can consider the one nosy asshole from yoga a friend. Does someone count as a friend if you want to punch them ninety percent of the time?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI would not consider that friendly.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cThere you go then.\u201d He nodded. \u201cThere\u2019s you and two people who love to talk with me and hold up the food line when I\u2019m a server.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI have not made many friends here.\u201d He was friendly with coworkers. Outside of them… \u201cI suppose I have something of a friendship with my landlord and one of my neighbors.\u201d Felix found time to talk whenever he checked in on the building to the point where Suhayl knew about his family life enough to get asked advice, though why he would be asked still confused him a bit. He and his neighbor Viktorei regularly exchanged recipes and used paperback novels picked up from secondhand shops. She was a mother of two and somehow ran a mail order candle business out of her one bedroom apartment.<\/p>\n

\u201cGlad to join their number. Speaking of numbers, do you have a cell phone?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYes?\u201d The phone was one luxury he allowed himself for the sole purpose of keeping in contact with his family on a regular basis.<\/p>\n

\u201cWant to trade phone numbers? Or are you not really a phone person?\u201d Cecilio whipped out his phone, pressing through buttons with far more ease than Suhayl had ever felt when faced with technology. He tilted his head expectantly.<\/p>\n

\u201cI use it. I do not have much data access on it currently though.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cThat\u2019s fine. Not like I\u2019d be sending pictures.\u201d<\/p>\n

Suhayl told him his number. Cecilio entered it with a grin.<\/p>\n

\u201cNice. You\u2019re in my contacts as \u2018Table Buddy,\u2019 by the way. I\u2019ll send you a text with my number.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cThank you.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cThank you. Now I\u2019ll stop distracting you.\u201d<\/p>\n

Suhayl extracted Cecilio\u2019s number from the text, smiling to himself. Feeling whimsical, he entered the contact as \u2018Distraction.\u2019<\/p>\n

o*O*o<\/p>\n

There is a letter tucked into the bottom of his clothes drawer that he will never send. It is addressed to a certain house in a certain town in northern France, painstakingly handwritten in French, each word crisp and neat along the page. Suhayl realized as he wrote it that he didn\u2019t know the recipients\u2019 first names. He knew about their family trips, the color of roses in their backyard, the trouble their children gave them in their teen years, and how they celebrated the holidays. He knew their son\u2019s favorite food and things he had never told them about his college years. He knew what their son looked like when he was thirty-two hours without sleep and running off caffeine. Or how he looked when he laughed so hard he cried. How he looked in the throes of passion. How he looked running triage.<\/p>\n

Suhayl knew how their son looked dead and he knew when he wrote it that he would never get to meet them or grieve with them.<\/p>\n

The letter isn\u2019t really a letter. He has all the dreams he and \u00c9tienne shared in there that had been cut short and little moments that had meant the world. It is a chronicle full of the \u00c9tienne he knew and how empty the space is without him. He wrote it and addressed it to \u00c9tienne\u2019s family name and added the house address \u00c9tienne once typed into Google maps to compare what their homes looked like. It sat for a while under Suhayl\u2019s pillow to be mailed, but he never does mail it.<\/p>\n

In the end he can only feel that it isn\u2019t his place to send it. He never met them, never spoke to them, and doesn\u2019t know how much \u00c9tienne ever shared with them despite their dreams of showing each other their hometowns.<\/p>\n

He can\u2019t throw it away either, though.<\/p>\n

He takes it with him when he leaves Israel. It\u2019s one last piece of what could have been that he allows himself to not let go.<\/p>\n

o*O*o<\/p>\n

Suhayl checked the clock, seeing it was almost noon. \u201cCecilio, do you have a moment?\u201d<\/p>\n

Cecilio unhooked the other half of the headphones from his ear. \u201cYeah? What\u2019s up?\u201d<\/p>\n

Suhayl sat next to him. \u201cI promised I would Skype-call my family today. If you wanted, you could meet them. They have been asking to meet you.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWait. Meet your family. Meet your family as in Skype right now meet your family?\u201d Cecilio\u2019s eyes went huge.<\/p>\n

\u201cYes?\u201d Suhayl put a hand on his shoulder. \u201cAre you alright?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cMeeting your boyfriend\u2019s family isn\u2019t something you just drop on a guy.\u201d Cecilio tossed his headphones on the coffee table. \u201cI am not dressed for this. I\u2019m wearing\u2014what am I wearing? Sweats and a shirt that I\u2019m pretty sure was given to me at some event so who knows what\u2019s on it.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cIt is an \u2018I Love NY\u2019 shirt.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWhere did I even get that? Doesn\u2019t matter. Also, find me a hairbrush; I misplaced it again.\u201d<\/p>\n

Suhayl watched him rush to his closet and rifle through his clothes, checking the stitching on the tags for whatever one he wanted. The hairbrush in question had been left on the back corner of the kitchen counter by some chance. Suhayl fetched it and watched Cecilio debate over two shirts.<\/p>\n

\u201cBe honest, which one looks better? Because I have no idea what either one is beyond green or blue, but I remember I got complimented in them before.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cThe green one,\u201d Suhayl said. The t-shirt went up and over Cecilio\u2019s head in exchange for the green shirt. \u201cIt is not so big of an occasion. They are not going to judge you.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cSuhayl, families always judge their relatives\u2019 significant others, they just usually do it out of earshot.\u201d He held out a hand. \u201cHairbrush.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cMay I?\u201d Suhayl said instead, touching Cecilio\u2019s shoulder. Cecilio liked when Suhayl brushed his hair. It put him to sleep once, and he seemed to need the calm at the moment. Cecilio nodded, and Suhayl went to work, gently removing the tangles that seemed to crop up as soon as Cecilio did anything. Cecilio relaxed into the touch as intended, a long sigh forced from his chest. Suhayl looped a hair elastic around it once he was done, tying it back neatly. \u201cIf it is too uncomfortable, you do not have to meet them now,\u201d he said, running the brush through the ends of Cecilio\u2019s hair one last time.<\/p>\n

\u201cI want to meet them,\u201d Cecilio said. \u201cI\u2019m just nervous they won\u2019t like me.\u201d He reached out, following Suhayl\u2019s arm to his hand and squeezing it. Suhayl squeezed back. \u201cUse my laptop? The camera and screen are better than your phone.\u201d<\/p>\n

Cecilio fidgeted the whole time Suhayl connected to skype, worrying at the ends of his ponytail. He twitched when Suhayl\u2019s sister started the call, and his face went all but blank when Suhayl answered. Suhayl squeezed his hand reassuringly as he was greeted by his sister\u2019s face.<\/p>\n

Desta grinned as the image settled, her hair pulled back in a puff on top of her head the way she preferred it when she was home and relaxed. \u201cThere you are,\u201d she said, familiar Hebrew falling from her lips. \u201cYou\u2019re late. Amram was worried.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWas not!\u201d Suhayl\u2019s youngest brother said somewhere in the background. Desta moved and must have set her phone down since he could see his whole family crowded around, Desta in the center with his father, Amram and Errai off to one side with his mother. Suhayl grinned as Amram asked in a loud whisper, \u201cIs the person with him the guy?\u201d at the same time Cecilio whispered much quieter, \u201cAre they there? Can they see me?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cThey are there,\u201d Suhayl said to Cecilio in English. To his family he said, \u201cI needed to see if Cecilio was up to meeting you today.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cOoh, so that is him!\u201d Amram said, getting Errai\u2019s elbow in his ribs. \u201cOw.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cCecilio, this is my family.\u201d He switched to Hebrew for a second. \u201cSay something when I introduce you, please.\u201d Cecilio had a nervous smile on his face, Suhayl\u2019s hand in all but a death grip. \u201cMy father and mother.\u201d They both said hello in thickly accented English. \u201cMy sister Desta\u2014\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cHe looks like we\u2019re going to eat him,\u201d she said, knowing Cecilio wouldn\u2019t understand a word she said.<\/p>\n

\u201c…And my brothers, Errai and Amram.\u201d Both his brothers said hello in Hebrew, which worked well enough. \u201cAnd this is Cecilio,\u201d Suhayl said to them, nudging Cecilio gently.<\/p>\n

Cecilio froze before bobbing his head. \u201cUh. Hi? I\u2019m Cecilio. I\u2019d say nice to see you but, uh, since I\u2019m pretty much blind, I\u2019ll have to say, nice to hear you instead. Good to meet you?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cHe\u2019s shy,\u201d Desta said, teeth glinting white over the blurry camera image. \u201cHe is interesting looking. I don\u2019t think you have a type. He is really blind then?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cDesta,\u201d their father sighed.<\/p>\n

\u201cI am kidding, he looks cute. I suppose.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cHe looks like he needs a good meal,\u201d Errai muttered. \u201cI think his type is people who need looked after.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI am sure he gets plenty of looking after,\u201d Desta teased.<\/p>\n

Suhayl felt his cheeks go warm despite himself.<\/p>\n

\u201cWhat are they saying?\u201d Cecilio hissed.<\/p>\n

\u201cI am being teased,\u201d he said.<\/p>\n

Cecilio blinked, then laughed. It was a bit shaky, releasing most of his tension. \u201cWell you are pretty easy to tease.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cOh!\u201d Desta said. \u201cI have a question! Does he want to marry you? Suhayl, ask him if he wants to marry you.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI am not asking him that,\u201d Suhayl said, face even warmer.<\/p>\n

Desta looked back at Errai. \u201cYou\u2019re better at English. How do you say it?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cSomething like, \u2018Will you marry?\u2019\u201d Errai asked.<\/p>\n

\u201cYes! You, Cecilio, will you marry?\u201d Desta asked in English.<\/p>\n

\u201cWhat?\u201d Cecilio was blushing too now.<\/p>\n

\u201cWe haven\u2019t talked about that,\u201d Suhayl cut in.<\/p>\n

\u201cBut you are thinking about it,\u201d she said, smiling. \u201cHe does want children, yes?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cDesta,\u201d their father said again. He sighed. Their mother set her hand on his shoulder and they both looked at the camera for a moment. \u201cWe are glad you are happy,\u201d his father said. He had said that when Suhayl joined the defense force and when he told them about \u00c9tienne years ago. They were a family that followed their hearts first, no matter what the rest of the world thought. His happiness for Suhayl\u2019s happiness was genuine, and it warmed Suhayl every time it was reaffirmed. \u201cTranslate for us, please?\u201d he asked, because while Suhayl\u2019s siblings and his father could all speak English in varying amounts, Suhayl had always been the one most interested and dedicated to learning languages.<\/p>\n

As his father steered the conversation away from embarrassing overly personal questions and on to day to day life, Cecilio relaxed more and more against Suhayl\u2019s side until he was laughing at the occasional English comment Suhayl\u2019s siblings would add in and passing along stories of his own. When the call ended almost an hour later, Cecilio leaned his head against Suhayl\u2019s shoulder, smiling.<\/p>\n

\u201cThey seem nice,\u201d he said. \u201cYou miss them.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI do.\u201d He loved them. But Suhayl also knew that he had needed to leave Israel to find himself, and he couldn\u2019t regret that choice. \u201cThey love me as I am. They accepted me before I could accept myself, and have taught me to see the world in broader ways than I would have if they were anyone else.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI want to meet them in person someday,\u201d Cecilio said. \u201cWe\u2019ll have to start saving for that trip.\u201d<\/p>\n

The inclusion, the assumption of moving forward together that Cecilio did more and more often always set Suhayl\u2019s heart spinning into new depths of gratitude that he had this. That the emotions went both ways and he did not have to be alone.<\/p>\n

Cecilio sighed suddenly. Suhayl turned to him, waiting. \u201cThis means you should probably meet my parents,\u201d he said, like he would rather peel his own skin off than actually go through with the thought.<\/p>\n

\u201cIn your own time,\u201d Suhayl said.<\/p>\n

\u201cYou\u2019ve met my counsellor,\u201d Cecilio said. \u201cYou don\u2019t get more intimate than meeting someone who knows the inner workings of my mind. I\u2019m a little worried they\u2019d scare you away though.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI have no intention of going anywhere.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019ll start with my dad,\u201d Cecilio said after a moment. \u201cHe\u2019s safe. We can work up to anyone else.\u201d<\/p>\n

Suhayl pulled him into a hug and they tipped sideways on the couch, comfortable together. He could get used to this. If he had the choice, he would stay like this forever.<\/p>\n

o*O*o<\/p>\n

The world is shattered glass. Each breath feels like knives in his throat and his eyes burn from tears shed. Suhayl thinks that for the first time he understands why grief is often depicted as a violent thing. There is nothing muted in how it has ripped through him or how he wants to yell the world quiet for one lasting moment of acknowledgement for what has been lost. He has been taught that grief is okay, but grief in excess is not, and he can only see this as excess as he has never felt this much from the loss of any other life.<\/p>\n

\u00c9tienne does not have his parents close to mourn him, but his aunt and uncle have come to mourn him and see his body buried. Suhayl is not a relative, is not a spouse and able to follow the mourning practices he wants to, and that adds a whole new wave of grief to the storm inside him.<\/p>\n

He wants to go home to his family and take comfort in them. He wants to tear apart the apartment he shared with Etienne. He wants never to touch it. He wants to run and never stop running. He wants to never move again.<\/p>\n

\u00c9tienne was good. He died helping injured men, died doing what he believed in and that is something to take comfort in. He will be at peace in death and yet that is not enough.<\/p>\n

\u00c9tienne was good, but Suhayl does not know if he himself is good enough.<\/p>\n

Something in him is broken without \u00c9tienne already and the world that felt full of possibilities a day ago is nothing but shadows.<\/p>\n

They planned to visit Suhayl\u2019s parents in a week.<\/p>\n

Suhayl stares at hands \u00c9tienne loved and does not know how to move forward from here.<\/p>\n

o*O*o<\/p>\n

If Suhayl had one bad habit, it was leaving books spread across his space. It was one that had carried over into Cecilio\u2019s apartment the more he spent time here. His text books took up residence on the end of Cecilio\u2019s coffee table. Suhayl\u2019s notebook found itself often at the kitchen table, and whatever novel he was reading ended up on Cecilio\u2019s bedtable more often than not. Thankfully it was something that Cecilio did not seem to mind despite being a fastidiously organized person by necessity.<\/p>\n

\u201cWhat are you reading now?\u201d Cecilio asked. He turned the paperback over in his hands, feeling the wear in the cover.<\/p>\n

\u201cVoyage au centre de la Terre,<\/i>\u201d Suhayl said. He looked at the book with a twist of his lips that didn\u2019t quite reach a smile. \u201cThe Voyage to the Center of the Earth.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cIn French?\u201d Cecilio asked, impressed. \u201cHow many languages do you even know? I know English isn\u2019t your first.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cFour,\u201d Suhayl said. \u201cHebrew, Arabic, English near fluently. French I am still learning, but have competency in. I also speak some Amharic.\u201d<\/p>\n

Cecilio whistled and set the book back down. \u201cAs someone who can understand a lot of Italian by ear, but can barely speak a word of it, I\u2019m really impressed.\u201d He touched the book cover one last time. \u201cCan I ask why French? I know the others are because of family, right?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cSomeone I loved started teaching me the language.\u201d Suhayl crossed the room, picking up the book to flip through the pages. The margins were full of his notes as he tried to muddle his way through translations. Each time he tried it got a little easier. \u201cHe mentioned this book once. I thought I would try to read it in its original language.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cHuh.\u201d Cecilio tilted his head to the side. He knew there was more to it than that, but he didn\u2019t press. He often didn\u2019t press when Suhayl didn\u2019t feel like sharing too deeply, and it conversely made Suhayl want to share more. They each had things that were hard for them to talk about.<\/p>\n

\u201cA lover,\u201d Suhayl clarified, \u201cwho died unexpectedly.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cOh.\u201d Cecilio reached out until he found Suhayl\u2019s elbow and then pulled him in for a hug. \u201cIs the book good?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cIt is. It is a sort of science fiction adventure story.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019m glad.\u201d He bit his lip. \u201cRead some to me sometime?\u201d he asked. \u201cIt doesn\u2019t have to be that book, but I\u2019d like to hear you read.\u201d<\/p>\n

It could have felt strange to consider reading a book \u00c9tienne loved to Cecilio, but it felt oddly fitting, piecing one part of his life back around into the present in a way that made it whole. He didn\u2019t think \u00c9tienne would have minded. \u201cI would love to.\u201d<\/p>\n

o*O*o<\/p>\n

\u201cYou\u2019re wearing too many clothes,\u201d Cecilio said. He had his arms crossed behind his head as he laid across his bed in only a pair of briefs preserving his modesty.<\/p>\n

\u201cAm I?\u201d Suhayl asked, ducking out of his shirt.<\/p>\n

\u201cI haven\u2019t heard your pants hit the floor yet, so yes, too many clothes.\u201d<\/p>\n

Suhayl unbuttoned his pants and let them slide off his legs. Cecilio grinned as he waited, head tilting just the slightest bit to better hear Suhayl\u2019s movements. Suhayl slid his underwear off as well. The bed dipped as Suhayl settled on its edge. \u201cBetter?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cHmm…\u201d Cecilio reached out, finding Suhayl\u2019s knee first and running his hand up it to Suhayl\u2019s bare hip. His grin widened. \u201cMuch better.\u201d<\/p>\n

Suhayl snorted and leaned down for a kiss. Cecilio responded with a hum of approval. Cecilio would be happy to spend the evening doing nothing but chasing the breath in each-others\u2019 mouths; they had done it before, but tonight he would take Cecilio up on the offer for more.<\/p>\n

\u201cYou missed a spot shaving,\u201d Suhayl said when they pulled apart. Cecilio had missed several spots, a few places frequently enough for the hair to have gained a bit of length. It was something that was equally endearing and amusing and never failed to get a reaction if he brought it up.<\/p>\n

Cecilio swatted his shoulder. \u201cYou try shaving by touch alone. Who the hell wants to put a sharp object on their face anyway?\u201d He pinched at Suhayl\u2019s clean shaven cheeks. \u201cI should just have you shave it for me.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI could.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cHmm, but do I trust you with a razor at my throat?\u201d<\/p>\n

Suhayl nipped the throat in question. \u201cDo you?\u201d<\/p>\n

Cecilio huffed. \u201cFuck me, yeah, I do.\u201d He wrapped his arms as far around Suhayl as he could manage and buried his face in the nearest patch of skin so he could hide his face as he added, \u201cIf I trust you with doing things like this, I\u2019d trust you with pretty much anything.\u201d<\/p>\n

He was surely blushing. Suhayl let him hide for a moment before coaxing him back into a kiss. \u201cThank you. I trust you as well. Although perhaps not with a razor at my neck.\u201d<\/p>\n

Cecilio\u2019s laugh came out strangled with a groan. He shoved at Suhayl\u2019s shoulder lightly. \u201cReally?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI like to hear you laugh.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYou\u2019ve ruined the moment.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cHave I?\u201d Suhayl teased, pressing his hips against Cecilio\u2019s. A soft gasp was answer enough, as was finding Cecilio half hard already. He ground them together, relishing the friction and the way Cecilio\u2019s breath sped up and got less even.<\/p>\n

\u201cNo.\u201d Cecilio licked his lips. \u201cNo you haven\u2019t. Please keep doing that.\u201d<\/p>\n

Suhayl moved slower, more a hint of what it could be than actual grinding and Cecilio actually groaned out loud in frustration. He was usually quiet when they did this, full of words before the clothes came off, but barely making a sound past heavy breathing when things got heated. It made Suhayl want to push further, to hear Cecilio\u2019s voice in pleasure as his control broke down. He wanted to see all the sides Cecilio had to offer in all moments. Some days it was alarming how much he wanted that.<\/p>\n

Cecilio arched up and grabbed at Suhayl\u2019s face until he could force him back down into a kiss. It was messy as it often was when Cecilio was the one initiating it, lips catching his upper lip before they corrected a fraction lower. Suhayl kissed back readily. Misaligned kisses or not, Cecilio\u2019s enthusiasm was rewarding enough. Cecilio parted his lips, inviting the kiss deeper. The slick press of mouth and brief swipes of tongue had Suhayl\u2019s control fraying as well. He slid his thumbs into the waistband of Cecilio\u2019s briefs.<\/p>\n

\u201cMay I?\u201d he asked.<\/p>\n

\u201cYes.\u201d Cecilio looked halfway gone already, pupils blown wide and lips red and spit-slick from kissing. He lifted his hips to help Suhayl slide them off. \u201cGod, just touch me already.\u201d<\/p>\n

Suhayl did, sliding one hand around Cecilio\u2019s cock. It was long and as proportionally narrow as Cecilio was thin. He was uncircumcised, which had caught Suhayl off guard the first time. Now though, he knew just how to twist his grip so the slide of foreskin gave more pleasure. Suhayl watched the red head slide in and out of his palm and at the tense line of Cecilio\u2019s body and the arch of his neck as he threw his head back. He could come like this, panting and writing between Suhayl\u2019s thighs, wrung out from Suhayl\u2019s hand alone. It wasn\u2019t what Suhayl wanted that night though. He rubbed his thumb under the head of Cecilio\u2019s cock and getting a soft moan that was as good as if Cecilio had touched Suhayl back. Then he stopped.<\/p>\n

Cecilio gave a much louder groan from frustration. \u201cPlease don\u2019t tell me it\u2019s one of those times you want to build up and go so slow I want to punch you.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cNo.\u201d Suhayl stroked his side and Cecilio twitched, ticklish along his lower ribs. \u201cI wanted to try something different.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cDifferent how?\u201d Cecilio propped himself on his elbows.<\/p>\n

\u201cNot what you are thinking,\u201d Suhayl said because Cecilio had the start of the same uncomfortable look he\u2019d had the one time they discussed their feelings on anal sex. He touched the soft skin high on Cecilio\u2019s inner thigh. \u201cLike this.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cLike…? Oh! Oh.\u201d Comprehension came with obvious relief. \u201cHow…?\u201d<\/p>\n

Suhayl grabbed the lotion bottle Cecilio kept on his bedside table. \u201cLike this…\u201d Cecilio repositioned himself at Suhayl\u2019s light touches until he was on his side with Suhayl spooned up behind him. Suhayl took a dollop of lotion and slicked Cecilio\u2019s inner thighs. Cecilio\u2019s breath hitched. His heart was beating fast under Suhayl\u2019s palm when he placed one hand across Cecilio\u2019s chest. \u201cOkay?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYeah.\u201d Cecilio licked his lips. His head tilted back against Suhayl\u2019s chest, hair all over in a tangle of black strands. He shivered as Suhayl pushed his hips forward and his cock settled between Cecilio\u2019s thighs. \u201cOh. Wow, thighs are a lot more sensitive than I thought,\u201d Cecilio babbled, one hand moving down to rest on Suhayl\u2019s hip behind him. \u201cStill okay. This just feels different.\u201d<\/p>\n

Suhayl shifted, bending to press open mouthed kisses along the back of Cecilio\u2019s neck. Cecilio shivered and his grip on Suhayl\u2019s hip tightened with the bite of fingernails. Suhayl rocked his hips experimentally and Cecilio gasped softly.<\/p>\n

He moved again, feeling the smooth, slick slide of skin around him. Suhayl kept one hand on Cecilio\u2019s chest feeling each stutter of breath and uptick in heart rate beneath his palm. Cecilio\u2019s thighs clamped tighter around him as Cecilio pushed back against him. Suhayl could feel the head of his cock brush up against the back of Cecilio\u2019s balls on each thrust and felt each punctuation of breath that came with it.<\/p>\n

Cecilio\u2019s body rocked with Suhayl\u2019s, his fingernails scrabbling at Suhayl\u2019s hip and thigh trying to hold on and bring him closer. \u201cOh, god,\u201d he gasped, deep and breathy and much louder than he ordinarily let himself be. \u201cThis is… this is…\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYes.\u201d Suhayl wrapped one arm around Cecilio\u2019s side, anchoring him close, and the other left his chest to reach for his erection where it tapped against his stomach after every thrust of Suhayl\u2019s hips. Cecilio actually let out a sharp cry as Suhayl wrapped his hand around his length. It was quickly muffled into the mattress. Cecilio\u2019s free hand gripped Suhayl\u2019s hand against his chest. Their bodies moved in tandem, each thrust of Suhayl\u2019s hips pushing Cecilio\u2019s cock through the tunnel of Suhayl\u2019s hand in a further spiral of pleasure.<\/p>\n

When Suhayl heard the tight whine of Cecilio\u2019s voice in his ear and the tension building in his frame, he knew how close Cecilio was to coming. He twisted his hand, rubbing a thumb along the slick head of Cecilio\u2019s cock, and he was gone, cresting the edge of orgasm with a sound that broke halfway through leaving his throat. Wetness spattered against Suhayl\u2019s hand. Between it and the tight grip of Cecilio\u2019s thighs, Suhayl came with only a few more thrusts, a grunt rumbling through the depths of his chest.<\/p>\n

They stayed curled together, unmoving as they caught their breaths.<\/p>\n

\u201cHoly fuck,\u201d Cecilio said after a few moments. \u201cThat was intense.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cMm.\u201d Suhayl wasn\u2019t inclined to move, warm and thoroughly sated. He buried his face in Cecilio\u2019s hair.<\/p>\n

\u201cNo, seriously. I have never come that hard ever.\u201d Cecilio\u2019s breaths slowed bit by bit no a more normal rate, his heart beat returning to its usual pace a bit faster than Suhayl\u2019s own. \u201cI know we need to clean up, but can we not move? For a while? I think I kind of need…\u201d<\/p>\n

Suhayl pulled Cecilio into a full body hug, not really caring what bodily fluids smeared where at the moment. Things could always be washed. \u201cI have no plan to go anywhere,\u201d he said against the top of Cecilio\u2019s head.<\/p>\n

Cecilio turned in his arms until he was facing Suhayl\u2019s chest and he could tuck himself as close as their bodies would allow. \u201cGood.\u201d<\/p>\n

o*O*o<\/p>\n

Suhayl was halfway through brushing his teeth, one hand absently wiping a streak off the bathroom mirror when it occurred to him that this was the third night in a row that he had stayed over at Cecilio\u2019s apartment. He had a toothbrush here. He had several sets of clothes among Cecilio\u2019s things, and Cecilio had taken to stocking Suhayl\u2019s favorite teas and snacks in his cupboard. Truthfully, he spent more time in Cecilio\u2019s apartment than his own these days despite being only a floor apart.<\/p>\n

\u201cAre you done in the bathroom yet?\u201d Cecilio asked. \u201cDon\u2019t tell me you\u2019re making faces in the mirror or something.\u201d He had one of Suhayl\u2019s shirts on, one shoulder almost slipping free and the hem halfway down his thighs. He didn\u2019t have anything else on either; Cecilio wore as few clothes as he could get away with in the summer months as Suhayl had come to know. He also was very much not a morning person. That he was talking at all meant he had already finished his first cup of coffee.<\/p>\n

Suhayl spat out his mouthful of toothpaste. \u201cI was contemplating how normal it is to wake up here.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWell you do practically live here.\u201d Cecilio yawned, rubbing remnants of sleep from his right eye. He walked into the bathroom and straight into Suhayl\u2019s side. Rather than backing away or bouncing off, he decided to just stay there, face mushed against Suhayl\u2019s armpit. He muttered something into it.<\/p>\n

Suhayl patted his back and pulled him upright. \u201cWhat was that?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI said you could just move in,\u201d Cecilio said. He was still half asleep, but it sounded sincere. \u201cYou spend most of your time here and it would save us both money.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYou want me to move in for finances,\u201d Suhayl said, amused.<\/p>\n

\u201cI want you to move in because you\u2019re a space heater and I like warming my toes on your legs,\u201d Cecilio said. He reached around Suhayl for the toothpaste and his electric toothbrush. He squeezed a bit too much onto the side of the bristles. \u201cI just figure you\u2019d appreciate the financial aspect.\u201d He stuck the toothbrush in his mouth.<\/p>\n

\u201cOf course.\u201d Suhayl put his brush away. It had nothing to do with how they slept better when they shared a bed than sleeping alone, or how it was happening on its own anyway.<\/p>\n

Cecilio finished brushing his teeth still using Suhayl as support. \u201cThere\u2019s also the fact,\u201d he said in a carefully light voice as he washed the foam from his lips, \u201cthat I love you and want you near me.\u201d His cheeks were a dusky pink though his expression was neutral.<\/p>\n

Suhayl stared for the space of a breath before he wrapped Cecilio in a hug. Cecilio squirmed, blush deepening as he tried to get free.<\/p>\n

\u201cNope. Too early for this. Off. Too much emotional mushiness.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cThere is nothing to be embarrassed about,\u201d Suhayl said. \u201cI love you too.\u201d It was different saying the words when it wasn\u2019t teasing back and forth or in the heat of the moment. The meant more in the domesticity now than whispered in the dark.<\/p>\n

Cecilio stopped squirming. \u201cI\u2019m not allowed to say it and just walk away, am I?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cNo.\u201d Suhayl held him tighter. If Suhayl had been sparing on the words, still having trouble saying them, Cecilio talked around them, never denying the implication that he loved Suhayl, but almost never acknowledging it either.<\/p>\n

In the mirror, Cecilio worried at his bottom lip with his teeth. \u201cI do love you,\u201d he mumbled. \u201cAnd I\u2019m not saying it just because I want you to move in. I\u2019m saying it now because I know I\u2019m shit at saying these things and I want it to be clear.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI know.\u201d Suhayl was used to reading actions rather than words. That didn\u2019t mean the words were less valuable though.<\/p>\n

\u201cWell. Good.\u201d Cecilio let out a heavy breath. \u201cWhile I feel better after saying that, this is all too heavy for this early. I don\u2019t know what my brain is thinking.\u201d<\/p>\n

Suhayl laughed softly. \u201cI think I\u2019d like to move in.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYeah?\u201d Cecilio relaxed back in his arms.<\/p>\n

\u201cYes.\u201d He took a breath. Live with no regrets,<\/i> he thought. \u201cI would like to stay as long as you will have me.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cThat might be a long time,\u201d Cecilio said.<\/p>\n

\u201cI think I would be okay with a lifetime.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cToo early for this,\u201d Cecilio repeated leaning back with his eyes shut. He was smiling though.<\/p>\n

\u201cYou just need your second cup of coffee.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cMake it for me and I might just propose.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cIs that a promise?\u201d Suhayl teased.<\/p>\n

\u201cMm.\u201d Cecilio cupped a hand around Suhayl\u2019s. \u201cYou\u2019ll have to stick around and find out.\u201d<\/p>\n

Not today, Suhayl knew, but the tilt of his head and the smile on his lips said someday. Suhayl could do someday. Someday and every day after and in between.<\/p>\n

Read this piece’s entry on the Shousetsu Bang*Bang wiki.<\/a><\/article>\n

<\/div>\n<\/i>Love1<\/span><\/span>","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

by aohime (\u9752\u59eb) The soft press of lips is grounding, centering amid the scents of stale sweat and remnants of chemical cleaner. Suhayl touches rough cloth, under to smooth skin damp from the heat. \u00c9tienne gasps, arching closer, head tilted up to catch Suhayl\u2019s lips in his own, hand pulling Suhayl down to his level. […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[638,425],"tags":[639],"class_list":["post-6688","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-bangbang-no-66","category-text","tag-aohime"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.shousetsubangbang.com\/mirror\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/6688","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.shousetsubangbang.com\/mirror\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.shousetsubangbang.com\/mirror\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.shousetsubangbang.com\/mirror\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.shousetsubangbang.com\/mirror\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=6688"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/www.shousetsubangbang.com\/mirror\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/6688\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":6689,"href":"https:\/\/www.shousetsubangbang.com\/mirror\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/6688\/revisions\/6689"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.shousetsubangbang.com\/mirror\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=6688"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.shousetsubangbang.com\/mirror\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=6688"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.shousetsubangbang.com\/mirror\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=6688"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}