by Hyakunichisou 13 (\u767e\u65e5\u8349 \u5341\u4e09)<\/p>\n
(mirrors http:\/\/s2b2.livejournal.com\/278290.html<\/a>)<\/p>\n So it’s one of them crystal mornings of early summer, and the sunlight coming in through the clerestory like it was poured from a pitcher. And I’m sort of thinking what to do about that one drainpipe on the eastern students\u2019 dormitory that keeps coming loose at the same damn spot, but mostly I’m thinking that Frael is a beautiful country but you\u2019d be hard-pressed the long and the wide of it to find someone don\u2019t make a cup of tea tastes like they waved the leaves over the pot and put them away again for later.<\/p>\n I miss the commotion of him running in, but then there\u2019s Master Caerel breathless at my elbow, saying, Goodman Stone, I don\u2019t mean to interrupt your breakfast, but there is a situation in the entry hall in which we could use the assistance of someone like yourself.<\/p>\n Right off I figure it\u2019s the damn cistern cracked again and they\u2019re ankle-deep in water like happened at Midwinter. But his eyes are kind of wide, and it ain\u2019t that far from the entry hall to the refectory so he must of really galloped to be out of breath. And when I stand up he takes off in a hurry, his master\u2019s robes flapping out like festival day flags because he never tied them shut yet this morning, so as I run I\u2019m still thinking something big broken or maybe somebody hurt bad, but if the second, why\u2019s he come for me?<\/p>\n The entry hall\u2019s meant to show how much they all know, if their knowing was made out of Rastary marble. It\u2019s bigger than most of the lecture halls, and the floor\u2019s all these little bits of stone making patterns, and there\u2019s coloured glass, and the place echoes like some of the corners were built just to throw voices back. Right now it\u2019s got to have thirty people in it, and so help me they\u2019re all still as the statue of Sheela of the Library that you got to creep past to get to the stairs. And they all got their eyes on the floor, and the big doors, and all that pretty glass, and everywhere but the middle of the hall. And I guess I lived here too long already, because it don\u2019t take me no time to see why they need me.<\/p>\n <\/a>In the middle of the hall there\u2019s this kid standing. I can hear him breathing before I even come out from the corridor, and he\u2019s shaking like he\u2019s climbed halfway to the top of Farthest Cliff and forgot it\u2019s a bad idea to look down. In one hand he\u2019s got a knife–the kind all the students keep to sharpen their nibs and carve their names wherever it\u2019s the most pain in the ass to sand them out–but that\u2019s not what\u2019s got everybody frozen, because in his other hand the poor mad kid is holding all his beads.<\/p>\n I guess I got to explain about Fraelians and their beads. It\u2019s a thing they all do, and I mean all of them. When I first came here I got some myself, just the thick plain ones they sell to foreigners by the river gates, because I got tired of people getting twitchy when I talked to them, like there was something nasty under my nose and they were trying not to reach for their own hankies. Then one day I saw–because you can\u2019t go five steps on a festival day without somebody selling beads, and they\u2019re pretty to look at–I saw a bead made out of grey polished stone with green through it, just the way Bron\u2019s eyes were, and I don\u2019t got nothing of his, and I wanted it. And after that I got a few more, not many, but enough to remember stuff I wanted to.<\/p>\n Anyway. So they got chains of beads, like the stories of who they are worn outside themselves. And then they got a heart bead, that they get given when they\u2019re born, and it goes on its own cord, and it rests in that bowl at the front of your throat where your pulse is. And the chains of beads, they don\u2019t take them off, I mean they do for bathing and sex and that, but you don\u2019t never see people without them out in the world. But the heart bead, I thought it never comes off.<\/p>\n And this kid\u2019s cut his off with his penknife.<\/p>\n And they can\u2019t look at him. He\u2019s shivering like a kitten pulled out of a millpond, and his teeth are clenched together and he\u2019s making a sound like he\u2019s hurting too bad to even cry, and they can\u2019t–even Master Caerel, who always treated me decent even before we really knew each other–they can\u2019t even act like he\u2019s in the same place as them. I can see a few of the masters wetting their lips and working their fingers, like they\u2019re turned to stone like in some fairy story, and their hearts are just about cracking in their chests because they know he\u2019s breaking in front of them, but he\u2019s got no beads now, and he\u2019s not some ratty foreigner who don\u2019t know no better, and they just can\u2019t.<\/i><\/p>\n I figure the first thing is to get him from here to a place where there\u2019s nobody to not look at him. So I step up to him and I use the voice Diggory used to use on the new horses, before we knew whether they were flinchy ones or solid ones. And he can\u2019t look at me neither, but I put my hand on his back and kind of steer him over to the stairs, and he goes like he don\u2019t care one way or the other. I keep talking, he keeps walking. And the only place I can think of to take him that\u2019s quiet and closed is my room, so that\u2019s where we go.<\/p>\n All the time I got one eye on that knife. But when I get him inside the room and sitting on the bed, I say as how we might both breathe more easier if there wasn\u2019t a blade around, and his knuckles go white on the hilt and I get ready to do something maybe stupid, and then his fingers soften and he lets me pull it out from his hand.<\/p>\n I don\u2019t even try to touch his beads.<\/p>\n I don\u2019t know what I should do next, but I don\u2019t think I should leave the kid alone, so I sit on the windowsill and wait to have an idea. While I\u2019m waiting, the kid just slowly goes limp and shrinks in on himself, like a garden after the first bad frost.<\/p>\n Then somebody knocks on the door, and I never been so grateful for anything in a long time. It\u2019s Master Caerel, and he tells me I have a visitor, like it\u2019s something that needs explaining.<\/p>\n And she walks in, looking at the kid like I\u2019m not there. They have some fancy name with lots of words, but even the Fraelians call them beadworkers. She\u2019s small and round, and wearing nothing but white. And beads. Beads in the braids of hair around her head, beads dripping down from around her neck, gauntlets of beads up her arms, a belt of beads with this overskirt of beads clacking as she moves.<\/p>\n I look at Caerel, and he tilts his head like he\u2019s inviting me out to the hallway. And I figure she\u2019s gonna make things all right, but I guess they got to talk first, and I mean, it\u2019s a good room, it\u2019s got a glass window and a door that bolts on the inside, but it\u2019s about twice the width of the bed, and it ain\u2019t a big bed.<\/p>\n So I come out to the hallway, and the beadworker shuts the door soon as I\u2019m out.<\/p>\n Master Caerel takes a breath and pushes it out again, and he presses his lips together and raises his eyebrows at me like he wants to say, How about that shit, except never \u2018til the end of time would he say that. And then he smiles and says, You are the only one of us who could have helped that way, thank you.<\/p>\n And they breed \u2018em lanky in Frael, and I never much went for the bony ones, but damn his smile fills out his face nice.<\/p>\n Then he says how he has students waiting for him, and he\u2019s off down the hallway.<\/p>\n I figure no use cooling my heels waiting for I don\u2019t know what, and I got stuff to do, so I go spend the morning rehanging this bastard of a door to one of the common rooms that somebody knocked off its hinges a few weeks back, don\u2019t even ask me how, thing near weighed more than I do.<\/p>\n I go back to my room before noon dinner, because I can\u2019t not. The kid\u2019s laying on the bed in a knot like he\u2019s trying to pull himself smaller into nothing, and he don\u2019t look up when I talk to him. There ain\u2019t nobody else around.<\/p>\n On my way down to the refectory I look out for the beadworker, but I don\u2019t see her. I\u2019m heading for my usual place with my bowl when Master Caerel puts his hand on my shoulder and says, Goodman Stone, do me the favour of sitting with me.<\/p>\n Which is good, because I got lots to ask, like where\u2019d the beadworker go, and when\u2019s she coming back, and what happens next, and why can\u2019t he just put the damn beads back on now. But I don\u2019t get the chance, because soon as we sit down, something weird starts happening.<\/p>\n Master Peirce comes up to the table, and he\u2019s got a folded blanket over his arm. And he says to me, Goodman Stone, these spring nights are still cool, perhaps you could find a use for this. And he puts it on the bench beside me and goes.<\/p>\n I look at Master Caerel, and he pulls up one shoulder and let it fall back down, and eats his soup.<\/p>\n Then one of the end-year students comes up and says, I brought this for you, and hands me a feather pillow, and walks away.<\/p>\n And then one of the middle students stumbles up and shoves another blanket at me and near runs in the other direction, and I hope it ain\u2019t from his own bed, because he\u2019s thin as straw and he probably needs it his own self.<\/p>\n They come one at a time, some of \u2018em blushing like it\u2019s their first Midsummer Night, some like, oh, I thought you could use this thing, some like they\u2019re returning something they borrowed. A couple more blankets, and a clean shirt, and a pair of socks, and a little cake of soap, and a comb, and candles, and I don\u2019t know what all.<\/p>\n When we get done our soup, Master Caerel puts down his spoon and says, Will you need some help carrying that? And I want to bring the kid some noon dinner too, so I say Sure and I load him up. On our way out the refectory we get a handkerchief and a pair of the gloves with no fingers the students think it makes \u2018em look smart to wear, and on our way up the stairs someone tries to give me a scarf as long as I\u2019m tall like all the students were wearing this last winter, but that\u2019s where I put my foot down.<\/p>\n The kid ain\u2019t moved.<\/p>\n I put the soup bowl down on the chest where I keep my clothes in, and I get Master Caerel to heap all the rest in the space between the end of the bed and the wall. I say, I brung you some soup, you don\u2019t got to eat it but I bet your head\u2019s busting, and eating\u2019ll help with that.<\/p>\n The kid\u2019s eyes look like somebody\u2019s rubbed sand in them, and his face is all blotchy and raw. I hand him the handkerchief. He sits up slowly, hunched over into himself. His beads are wrapped around one wrist, heart bead too, and tied there with red string. It looks all messy and wrong even to me.<\/p>\n Master Caerel touches me on the shoulder, and says quietly that he has to go. I think the kid relaxes a little once it\u2019s just me and him, and he eats a few mouthfuls of soup, even though his hand shakes so bad the spoon\u2019s half empty by the time he gets it up there.<\/p>\n I hear a noise behind me, and at first I think it\u2019s somebody else bringing a towel or a pair of shoes or whatever. But the kid goes the colour of tallow, and I swing around expecting I don\u2019t know what, but it\u2019s Raece, with eyes the size of full moons, staring back at the kid.<\/p>\n Raece is, I guess a friend of mine ain\u2019t exactly right. He\u2019s a end-year student, mother\u2019s in Parliament, father trades silk and whatnot, and they might as well all be made of solid silver. But he\u2019s a good<\/i> kid, bright and kind-hearted, one of them ones you know all the masters\u2019ll remember. I help him with his Northern, because the languages master here don\u2019t teach it like you could actually talk<\/i> it to somebody, and he helps me a bit with my Fraelian, and sometimes other stuff too. Like he\u2019s the one I was gonna ask about that damn drainpipe, and how maybe they could find another way out of their rooms after sundown \u2018til I fix it so somebody don\u2019t break their neck.<\/p>\n He\u2019s got a red blanket over his arm, and I can tell just by looking that it\u2019s a treasure, light and soft and warm. So I know he\u2019s heard about the kid. But knowing and seeing ain\u2019t the same thing, because you never know how a thing\u2019s gonna hit you, and all the blood drops out of his face and he looks like he\u2019s near about to fall over.<\/p>\n He shoves the blanket at me and fair runs out of the room. But I can hear he\u2019s still out there, so I follow him. He\u2019s leaning against the wall, head down, breathing like he\u2019s run all across the university from the entry hall to the top of Lindhorn\u2019s Broken Tower.<\/p>\n He looks at me, and then he looks down the hallway and up it, and his face goes red as the blanket. And he whispers, How is he really?<\/p>\n So I say, They got a beadworker come see him.<\/p>\n I don\u2019t want to say he\u2019s gonna be fine, because I don\u2019t know, but Raece presses his lips together and nods, and I guess he knows better than I do about this because his shoulders kind of soften and he stands up straighter.<\/p>\n If he needs something, he says, if he needs…silver, or anything, tell me.<\/p>\n Then somebody comes up the stairs at the end of the hallway, and he peels himself off the wall and heads the other way.<\/p>\n It\u2019s the beadworker, and though she says Good afternoon she don\u2019t have time to talk to me or answer any questions, and she goes into my room and shuts me out of it.<\/p>\n That\u2019s the way it is for the next bunch of days. She comes and goes, and Master Caerel comes by once or twice, and Raece brings a nice linen shirt and then a bowl of roasted nuts and a string of honeyed dried apples and some sticky buns from this bakery the students all keep in silver, because I tell him the kid ain\u2019t hardly eating. The kid don\u2019t say much, and nobody tells me nothing.<\/p>\n And look, that feeling of when your own life is so heavy you got to lay down under the weight of it–I know that feeling inside and out.<\/i> But it ain\u2019t so easy sitting beside somebody who\u2019s in that place. And I guess nobody thinks they should find the kid a different room, because Fraelians, who knows? So I don\u2019t spend more time in my room than I got to to sleep. Evenings, I go down to the refectory, like I used to do in the winter, because my room don\u2019t got a fireplace and I might be Northern and all but it ain\u2019t like we grow pelts like bears.<\/p>\n What different from the winter is, Master Caerel seems to be there a lot.<\/p>\n The first night, he\u2019s with a table of students, helping one side argue the other, and they all get hotted up and yelling and laughing, and I listen while I knit on my sock, because I like to keep my hands busy. Old Rose Grayling taught me that, knitting I mean. Spinning too, though I probably lost the knack of it by now. Lots of people taught me all kinds of things, because I never really fit neatly anywhere, so they tried to be sure I could fit anywhere I had to. That\u2019s how I know hanging a door, and sewing a wound, and stopping a leaking roof, and baking bread, and making turnings on a lathe, and all that. And the Lady had her daughters\u2019 tutor take me on too for a few years, I guess because she felt halfway liable for me, even though I was no blood of hers, because after all it was the husband she chose that got me on a woman he shouldn\u2019t have. So I got reading and figuring, and parts of history, and maps, and even some Fraelian, though pretty much the same as Raece\u2019s Northern, which is why I can tell you the first part of Lord Siel\u2019s address to the 236th Parliament but when I got here I couldn\u2019t ask how much for a room or tell nobody my name. And surprise, the people in the places I could pay to stay at then didn\u2019t give a rat\u2019s ass about how to talk fancy to Parliament. But after I got done learning the thing words and the doing words everybody knows by the time they\u2019re out of nappies, I guess I done okay.<\/p>\n Anyway. Master Caerel goes and gets himself a cup of the weakass tea they keep in a vat by the main fireplace to keep it warm, and then instead of going back to his students, he comes up to me and asks if he can sit. So I say Sure. And we talk a bit, and I want to ask him a few things about beads, but I kind of feel like I don\u2019t want him looking at me like I\u2019m soft in the head or one of his new-year students, so I don\u2019t.<\/p>\n The next night, the students ain\u2019t there but he is. He sits and nods at my knitting, and asks me how I learned. So I tell him about that, and then I tell him the funny story about Old Rose and the dye pots, and he tells me about how when he was a student him and some others coloured a sheep green and left it in the grand master\u2019s study.<\/p>\n So then I start looking for him when I go there, and he\u2019s not there all nights, but he is most, and we don\u2019t always talk for so long, but it\u2019s nice.<\/p>\n So things go on for a bit like this, and then it\u2019s coming up Midsummer Night.<\/p>\n I ain\u2019t done Midsummer for a few years. After the worst plague winter, there was some people seemed bound and determined to breed back the North all by their own selves. It took me the other way, and for a long while after losing Bron and the rest I never wanted no one to touch me at all, seeing as anyone ever had their hands on me was dead now, and knowing that took my mind bad places, and I wasn\u2019t right in the head for a long time after I left anyway.<\/p>\n And look, this is Frael.<\/i> They got the artists and the university and Court–except they call it Parliament–and because of the rivers everybody comes here. Westerners with skin like polished birchwood and this amazing hair stands out like halos, southerners who got cheekbones you could cut yourself on, far easterners with eyes and hair like houses on fire, even the Fraelians themselves, all pale winter sunlight. What I mean is, they\u2019re beautiful to each other,<\/i> and I\u2019m pretty much clover among roses.<\/p>\n Midsummer Night at the university is always a bag of cats. The ones who it\u2019s their first time are jumpier than fleas, and the ones who it\u2019s their second ain\u2019t much help with that, and there\u2019s a lot of not very well hid drinking. I sit around in the refectory for a while after evening dinner, in case of things getting spilled or busted. I still ain\u2019t decided whether I\u2019m going. I don\u2019t see Master Caerel, so I figure he either got the night to his own–the masters draw straws for that–or he\u2019s making sure the younger ones get put to bed and stay there. After a few hours things calm down for a while, the students are either going out or giving up, and it\u2019s too early for the straggling back and hooting and boasting, and nobody asks me to stay, so I head up to my room.<\/p>\n But when I get there I can\u2019t go in. Just the thought of it, laying down on all the folded blankets on the floor, because I been letting the kid have the bed, it just makes me feel low.<\/p>\n And it\u2019s Midsummer after all, the groves ain\u2019t the only place to go, there\u2019s players and fortune tellers and games, and people selling beads and fried cakes and everything down in the town. So I go.<\/p>\n But it looks like part of me is trying to fool another, \u2018cause a couple days earlier, I asked one of the cooks where there was a men\u2019s grove nearby, just in case. And I listen to the music and I look at the beads, but before I know what I\u2019m about I\u2019m spending silver on a cheap paper half-mask, and I\u2019m walking back to that grove.<\/p>\n They put up enough lanterns that you can see what you want but pretend not to see what you don\u2019t. It\u2019s a warm, clear night, and there\u2019s men there, though probably not as many as later. At home I never minded doing the choosing, but I\u2019m still not sure if I want to be here. Also I never done this in Frael, and maybe it\u2019s different. So I find a tree, a fair bit back of the gates, and I stand there in my mask and wait.<\/p>\n A couple men give me the eye as they step through on the paths, but I look away before they come too close, and they keep walking. I hear some moaning on the other side of my tree, and most times that would get me going, but tonight it ain\u2019t doing nothing. A few trees over, a Fraelian\u2019s untying an Easterner\u2019s pants. They\u2019re both in enough light I figure they don\u2019t mind being watched, so I do. When I notice I\u2019m looking more at how the Easterner\u2019s hair shines under the lantern than I am at his cock, I stop watching.<\/p>\n I\u2019m thinking, that\u2019s it, maybe I\u2019m broke for good, when I see him. I know right away it\u2019s him, because an eighth-silver\u2019s worth of paper don\u2019t make any real difference on nobody. He looks my way, and then he looks again. Then he\u2019s walking towards me, and I feel like I\u2019m dipped in icy water and hot wax at the same time. I can\u2019t look away, and I don\u2019t got enough thought left in my head to know if I want to.<\/p>\n Master Caerel stops in front of me. He puts his arm out, and touches me over my heart.<\/p>\n Of course I\u2019m supposed to put my hand over his, but I can\u2019t move, and all I hear is my own fool voice saying, Yeah.<\/i><\/p>\n He grins like I never seen him do before, and takes another step closer. He puts his other hand on the tree to hold him, and he leans in and kisses me like this ain\u2019t our first time.<\/p>\n Looks like I ain\u2019t broke after all, more like something inside me was bound up and it just got cut free. I grab him and drag him close, and he leans me against the tree with his whole body. My cock decides it\u2019s done with two years of nothing, and everything it missed it wants it all right now.<\/i> I make a noise in my throat like I\u2019m a kettle coming to a boil, and I don\u2019t even care.<\/p>\n Caerel pulls away, and I shiver. He puts his mouth close to my ear and says, We can honour Midsummer just as well in the comfort of my bed, if you like.<\/p>\n Lying down sounds real nice, but I don\u2019t think I can hardly walk to get there.<\/p>\n Caerel looks at me and hums a little, and then he kisses me on the neck and starts untying my pants with one hand, and if I ever again want to laugh how he\u2019s all polite and formal, I\u2019m gonna remind myself he knows how to do this too.<\/p>\n No cool drink I ever got on a hot day of work in my life felt as good as him putting his hand on my cock. He holds me firm, and strokes me steady, and leaves me enough room that I can move my hips how I need to. I don\u2019t last long, I don\u2019t even try, and when I come, the whole grove knows about it.<\/p>\n After I can breathe again, I tie my pants back up and put my hands on Caerel\u2019s hips. He\u2019s half-hard, and I\u2019m ready to get on my knees and give as good as I got. But he kisses me more, like he\u2019s making a little bit of time for something, so I say, You still want that bed?<\/p>\n Caerel\u2019s room is almost the size of one of the student common rooms. It\u2019s so big it\u2019s got parts, like the part where his desk is against the big windows, and the part with the two soft chairs beside the little iron stove. He\u2019s got one of them Fraelian beds that are like rooms, with doors, and low stools to climb up in them.<\/p>\n He lights a lantern, and we take off our masks, and there\u2019s a second where we just look at each other and kind of laugh, like Oh so this is what we\u2019re doing. Then I go right for his ties, and we pull each other\u2019s clothes off. His sheets are soft linen, and he\u2019s got a feather tick and about six pillows, and I\u2019m looking forward to messing it all up a little.<\/p>\n My favourite thing to do in bed was always use my hands, so I can watch. But some men don\u2019t want what they think they can do for their own selves, and I want to make Caerel as hard and hot as he made me. So I use my mouth, and I do him slow. He digs his fingers into his pretty white linen pillows and lets me. Near the end I get him to say Please, and we both like that. He makes hardly any noise, just this little broken sound when he comes, and it goes to my cock like the grove never even happened.<\/p>\n He ain\u2019t done panting when he grins at me again, and scoots down the bed, and takes me in his mouth. I don\u2019t go off so fast this time, but I hang on the edge for forever. When I\u2019m done all I can do is lay there like I got no bones left.<\/p>\n I don\u2019t mean to fall asleep. Just, when I\u2019m wondering how soon he wants me out, he puts his arm around my shoulder and kind of rolls me over closer to him. It ain\u2019t so warm this late at night, even at Midsummer, and he pulls the blankets up around us.<\/p>\n Next thing I know, I\u2019m waking up. Everything\u2019s got that quiet you can feel, when it\u2019s deepest in the night.<\/p>\n I sit up. Caerel makes a little jolt like I woke him up too.<\/p>\n I say, I guess I better go.<\/p>\n He puts his hand on my arm and says, Of course, if you wish, but you could stay.<\/p>\n I say, That\u2019s okay?<\/p>\n He says, I\u2019d like you to.<\/p>\n So I lay back down, and he settles his arm around me again.<\/p>\n I don\u2019t got another round in me tonight, but hey, looks like Caerel does. This time I get to use my hands. He tilts his neck and closes his eyes and says, Talk to me.<\/p>\n I say, Talk like how?<\/p>\n He says, Anything. Tell me what you\u2019re doing. I like to hear your voice.<\/p>\n It don\u2019t take much time to say how I\u2019m stroking him off. So I tell him what me and Bron and the weaver\u2019s nephew done up in the hayloft that time after we got caught in the thunderstorm. I don\u2019t know the polite words for any of that in Fraelian, but turns out that\u2019s just fine.<\/p>\n Couple days later, I\u2019m working on the cracked railing in the gallery that\u2019s over the entry hall when I see white in my eye. I look down and for a wonder it\u2019s the beadworker walking in on that fancy stone floor. I drop my mallet and run down the stairs. By the time I get there, Caerel\u2019s there too, come to meet her. The beadworker gives me the eye, like here\u2019s the guy fixes things nosing in on a talk with her and a master, but I don\u2019t care if it yanks her tail, \u2018cause it ain\u2019t her room the kid\u2019s lying in. Caerel gives me a little smile says and says, Goodman Stone, this is a convenient chance, it will save me from having to tell you this separately. So she shrugs and he gets on with it.<\/p>\n Seems like the grand master\u2019s wondering how long the kid\u2019s gonna be here, or as Caerel tells it, how the situation in Goodman Stone\u2019s quarters is progressing.<\/p>\n The beadworker presses her lips together and says how the kid\u2019s struggling and it\u2019s a hard thing. And she tells us some stuff that makes me think the kid\u2019s family\u2019s no great festival day prize, and maybe the crazy thing he done that brung him here was just the butt end of a lot of other stuff he didn\u2019t have no choice but to swallow, \u2018til he couldn\u2019t choke no more down.<\/p>\n Now I finally got the chance to ask why he don\u2019t just put his beads back on. Turns out he can\u2019t, it\u2019s complicated, there\u2019s ceremonies and that, some people even get new names.<\/i> So I ask, Don\u2019t he want to do that? And she says, like she can\u2019t believe how slow I am, He cut his heart bead off his throat while people watched,<\/i> right now there\u2019s as much chance of that as of one of his cousins doing a giving for him.<\/p>\n I heard Fraelians say this before, doing a giving,<\/i> but I never understood it. So I ask that too, and the beadworker looks at me like I\u2019m a chicken just walked up and talked to her, and even Caerel blinks, and he has students saying stupid shit at him every day.<\/p>\n When they try to explain it\u2019s like they don\u2019t really got the words so they\u2019re using ones that don\u2019t fit right, but it\u2019s something like this:<\/p>\n You can let a beadworker take your beads off you for someone else. It\u2019s not giving them to<\/i> them, it\u2019s more like you do it for<\/i> them, and when people get broken in their minds or their hearts, it\u2019s a thing that helps them heal. It\u2019s like how the railing\u2019s cracked, so I\u2019m fitting another piece of wood under it and pegging it in, and it don\u2019t make the crack go away, but now the railing\u2019s not gonna break clean through. Except it don\u2019t really happen much, because–they don\u2019t say it this way–to a Fraelian, it\u2019s pretty much like chopping your own hand off.<\/p>\n I ask, Does it have to be family?<\/p>\n No, she says.<\/p>\n I don\u2019t even think hard. I say, I could do it.<\/p>\n I hear Caerel pull in a breath, and the beadworker shakes her head and says, They have to be real<\/i> beads.<\/p>\n That ticks me off, because once I got started I picked my beads with as much care as any Fraelian, and I don\u2019t got a lot but they mean<\/i> something. I lift my chain up from where it\u2019s hanging against my shirt, and I tell them how this one is Bron\u2019s eyes, and this one is the blue threshold stone of the kitchen door all worn down with being walked on since the start of history, and–<\/p>\n Caerel clears his throat, and it looks like I\u2019m being a know-nothing foreigner again. He puts his hand on the hollow of my back, and he says, Stone, I believe you, but I don\u2019t know if you understand the implications of what you\u2019re offering to do.<\/p>\n I say, It means I give up my beads, and the kid can get himself feeling right again.<\/p>\n The beadworker looks at me for a few seconds like she\u2019s trying to push me over. I can feel my face going red, but I let her.<\/p>\n She says, It\u2019s not that simple, but it would help him.<\/p>\n I say, I want to do it.<\/p>\n Because it\u2019s like this: When I left home I brung pretty much the clothes on my back. I don\u2019t got a thing<\/i> from there, except for my own self. And the kid don\u2019t even got that.<\/p>\n The beadworker nods once and says, I will give you two days to think more on it.<\/p>\n I\u2019m about to say, I thought, I\u2019m doing it. But Caerel presses his hand on my back and says, Two days is traditional. So I know she\u2019s not making up stupid stuff just for me.<\/p>\n Then I go upstairs again and finish fixing that railing before somebody leans through it and breaks their fool head.<\/p>\n That night I look out for Caerel in the refectory. Because I still mean to do it, but I had a real nasty thought, and I got to ask him so I can get used to it.<\/p>\n He comes after a while and sits down. I\u2019m thinking how to start when he says, I\u2019d like to ask you something.<\/p>\n I say, Go ahead.<\/p>\n He says, Let\u2019s find somewhere with some privacy.<\/p>\n I figure he don\u2019t mean talking,<\/i> but that\u2019s fine. We go to his room. There\u2019s late sun coming in the windows, and I can see all the colours of his chair cushions and curtains, and it might as well be a different room from last time.<\/p>\n He offers me tea, and I say I don\u2019t want none, and then he puts his arms around me and kisses me.<\/p>\n When he lets me go, I say, because I can\u2019t wait, When the beadworker takes off my beads, does that mean nobody can see me or talk to me no more?<\/p>\n Caerel\u2019s eyes go wide. He puts his hands on the sides of my face and says, No.<\/i> No, of course not. A giving is an act of great courage and worthiness, and you will be treated with honour for it. Stone, do you mean to say we left you thinking–oh, forgive me, forgive me, I didn\u2019t think–<\/p>\n He pulls me close. I\u2019m so relieved I can\u2019t do nothing but stand and just breathe for a while.<\/p>\n After we\u2019re both steady again I kiss him back, and one thing and another we end up in his bed. Which ain\u2019t no big surprise, \u2018cause I done my share of Midsummer Nights, and me and Caerel, that<\/i> was honouring Midsummer.<\/p>\n After, he leans up on his elbow and says, May I ask you something?<\/p>\n I say, Sure.<\/p>\n He says like he\u2019s shy, which is funny with what he was doing to me a minute ago, I wouldn\u2019t ask so soon except I may not have another chance. Would you do me the privilege of telling me your beads?<\/p>\n I say, Yeah, of course.<\/p>\n I lift them down from the hook at the top of the bed where I hung them with Caerel\u2019s, and I move them one by one through my fingers and I tell him all about them, about Bron, and the kitchen stone, and Old Rose, and the sunset from the top of Farthest Cliff, and all of it. I never done this before with somebody else, and it\u2019s like all them things come to the front of my head, and they never been so clear.<\/p>\n When I\u2019m done, he kisses my chest over my heart, and he curls one of his hands into mine, where I\u2019m holding the beads wrapped around. He says, Are you sure you want to do this? It\u2019s not a small thing, doing a giving. You\u2019ll be losing a lot of your life.<\/p>\n I say, I lost my whole life once already, I ain\u2019t afraid of it.<\/p>\n Anyway. Two days later we\u2019re in one of the quiet rooms, me and Caerel and the beadworker and the kid. She\u2019s pushed the table and chair to the walls so it\u2019s all a clear space. She\u2019s got a bunch of stuff, a couple basins and a basket of tools and I don\u2019t know what all. She\u2019s lit candles, even though it\u2019s full daylight, and I can smell them sweet like honey.<\/p>\n We\u2019re standing side by side, me and the kid, not looking at each other. The beadworker says some things but I don\u2019t hardly hear them, it\u2019s all about sacrifice and things being new and whatnot. She takes some water on her finger and touches our hearts, and our lips, and between our eyes.<\/p>\n Then she takes this little knife with a white handle and a tiny blade, and she starts cutting the red threads that are keeping the kid\u2019s beads on his wrist. One cut at a time, pick, pick. I can see the strings getting looser and looser, until bits of red are dropping off him onto the floor. Then she starts to unravel the chain of his beads, the cord of his heart bead too. When she pulls them off him and his wrist\u2019s bare, the kid shudders once like a shade\u2019s walking over the earth where he\u2019ll be buried.<\/p>\n One of the basins on the table is made of white stone, so polished it almost has its own light. It\u2019s full of water. She lowers the kid\u2019s beads in there, slowly like she\u2019s resting them gently on the bottom, and when she comes to me, her hands are wet.<\/p>\n She\u2019s got a little pair of snips, and she lifts up my chain of beads, right near Bron\u2019s grey and green stone, and she puts those snips to a wire link. When she closes them, the wire sounds like a branch snapping after an ice storm.<\/p>\n I try to swallow but my mouth\u2019s dry as old bone. I tell myself, it\u2019s bits of stone and glass, just stone and glass, it ain\u2019t nothing more important than that.<\/p>\n She puts my beads in the basin. I think of them cool and pretty in the water, touching the kid\u2019s beads, and the kid\u2019s why I\u2019m doing this, so it\u2019s okay, it\u2019s a good thing, it\u2019s fine.<\/p>\n Then she comes back with the little knife. The white handle glows like the basin. She touches my heart bead, and when she lifts it up, the spot where it was on my skin goes cold. I can feel the back end of the blade where it touches my throat. There\u2019s a tug, and the ragged end of the cord drags across my skin as she takes it away from me.<\/p>\n I don\u2019t hardly got the words to talk about what happens next. It\u2019s like dropping something where you can\u2019t never get it back, down a well or off a boat into deep water, and you feel like the ground\u2019s gone from under you and you\u2019re what\u2019s falling. I pull in a breath like it\u2019s sand and ashes, and it feels like broken glass in my chest. I start crying and I can\u2019t stop. I cry like everybody I loved is dead, like I ain\u2019t got no home, like everything in the world ended but me. I fall down on my knees because I ain\u2019t got the strength to stand, and I sob and sob and sob until there ain\u2019t nothing left in me.<\/p>\n I don’t know how long I’m down there. When I come back to myself, Caerel\u2019s arms are around me. He\u2019s rocking me slowly and stroking my hair, and saying Shh, shh. I shake my head and wipe my face on my sleeve. He helps me stand, and he keeps at my back so close I can feel how warm he is.<\/p>\n The beadworker stands in front of me, and holds her hands so I can see what\u2019s across them: a white bead on a white cord, knotted in patterns. She says, From this day you start a new chain.<\/p>\n She ties it around my neck with three knots, and slides it so the heart bead stops in the little dent at the front of my throat, right where the old one was. Then she brings a chain, and lifts it over my head and around my neck. It\u2019s all made of the wire links that go between beads, but it ain\u2019t got no beads at all. It\u2019s all spaces for things I ain\u2019t found yet.<\/p>\n I ask, because I got to know, What happens to the old beads?<\/p>\n The beadworker says, I will take them to a fountain in my grove, and put them in the water there. And they will freeze and thaw, she says, and the metal will rust, and in time they\u2019ll join the sand of many colours in the bottom of the fountain.<\/p>\n So I guess that\u2019s okay. Bron always liked the water.<\/p>\n But I ain\u2019t never gonna forget him, beads or no beads.<\/p>\n When the beadworker steps away, the kid\u2019s in front of me. I ain\u2019t looked at him closely today, and he looks terrible. His eyes are red as mine probably are, and he\u2019s got circles under them the colour of twilight, and nobody should be that thin. But he\u2019s got a heart bead on, grey as a cloud on a grey cord, and an empty chain like mine.<\/p>\n He takes both my hands and holds them over his heart. He says, whispers almost, My first bead will be named for you, Goodman Stone, and every time I tell my beads, I will honour your giving.<\/p>\n I say, I guess I need a bead for you too, but I don\u2019t know your name.<\/p>\n Leicis, he says. He lets my hands go, and takes a breath and says it again. My name is Leicis.<\/p>\n Turns out the beadworker\u2019s done with me. Caerel puts his arm around me and opens the door and walks us out to the hallway. And there\u2019s Raece chewing on his thumb. He hardly looks our way. He goes up to the door like he ain\u2019t sure he\u2019ll see what he wants to. Leicis looks over and I can tell when they first see each other, it\u2019s like somebody pokes them both with a sharp stick at the same time. And Raece is walking in, and Leicis takes a step towards him, and they get slower, not faster, as they get closer. Then Raece reaches out and they\u2019re wrapping their arms around each other like a gale\u2019s trying to whirl them apart. The beadworker smiles a little, and Caerel makes a sound like it\u2019s the end of a play, and I guess I been more scattered in my head than I thought because I just never seen that coming at all.<\/p>\n Caerel takes me up to his room and sits me down in one of his big soft chairs. He makes tea, even though I say I don\u2019t want none, and he brews it \u2018til it tastes like something, and puts in a big spoon of honey, and hands it to me. He\u2019s got some little fried cakes from that bakery the students go to, and he sits in the other chair with his own tea and eats three cakes, so I eat some too, and after a while I feel like I\u2019m not made of wet paper no more.<\/p>\n Caerel goes over to his desk and opens a drawer and takes something out. Then he comes and sits down again. He\u2019s looking at the thing in his hand, and he says, The first beads on a new chain usually come from people the wearer is close to. I don\u2019t wish to presume, but I saw this, and it made me think of you.<\/p>\n He holds it out. It\u2019s fancy paper, folded all in on itself the way Fraelians like to give presents in.<\/p>\n I take it and fold all the points out. The bead\u2019s like a little burning coal against the white paper. It\u2019s about the size of my smallest finger to the first knuckle, and when I lift it up I can see through the red glass, and in the middle there\u2019s swirls of gold and darker red like they\u2019re bits of fire that got caught there.<\/p>\n I can\u2019t even say anything, because nobody never gave me something so beautiful, and I ain\u2019t gonna slap him down by telling him how I ain\u2019t like that at all, but it makes it hard to breathe for a minute.<\/p>\n Caerel clears his throat. He says, If it\u2019s not a bead that fits on your chain, I won\u2019t be offended.<\/p>\n No, I say, I want it on here. I want to think of you when I look at it.<\/p>\n He twists a link open so I can fit it on. When it\u2019s ready I move my chain so I can look down and see that piece of red hanging there under my heart bead.<\/p>\n Caerel runs his hand down my chain, and touches the bead like it\u2019s something alive. I can feel the heat of his fingers through my shirt.<\/p>\n He smiles. First bead, he says.<\/p>\n Yeah, I say, yeah, it\u2019s a good start.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n \u2013
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\nsee this piece’s entry on the Shousetsu Bang*Bang wiki.<\/a><\/p>\n