The Stimulating Adventures of Captain Dick Phallus

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Captain Phallus Thrusts Into the Brown Eye Nebula
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True North

by SeishinNoUwagi (精神の上着)
illustrated by Enkaiein

Listen, little one: In the beginning times, before the true dawn, the Gods made a man and a woman out of mud. They were the first people, and the man was sent to work the earth and the woman to weave thread and spin cotton robes. But mud is stupid, and the mud people could neither fulfill their tasks nor raise their eyes from the ground. They were imperfect beings, and so the Gods destroyed them.

The next people were made of wood. They were a race of giants, much larger than you or me. They towered like the trees that had sacrificed themselves for the Gods’ creation. The wooden people multiplied and filled every corner of the land. Wood is strong, but it is also forgetful. The new people forgot the Gods and did not pay them homage. They were destroyed with fire and flood.

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Reap What You Sow

Dark Ash checks the download bar: 92% complete and 7.3 minutes remaining. His eyes flick up to the analog display in the upper right corner of the screen. Yep, still got plenty of time. Puta tiempo es todo lo que tengo esta noche…

Ash maximizes his solitaire window and squints at the messy spread that still defies the imposed order of his adjudicating cursor. He cycles through the stockpile, ready to pounce hawk-like on any opportunity that presents itself, but by the third time through he’s forced to accept he’s been dealt a cat’s game. This means there are only two options remaining to him: surrender with grace, or cheat and reshuffle. It’s anybody’s guess what infinite arms of possibility and consequence hinge on this one fundamental decision. The fate of the entire world could very well rest in his hands. He considers his menu options with all due gravity.